tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82739614524681666912024-02-19T08:29:08.279-05:00Being Marie TomeokiBeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.comBlogger196125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-65065967033037202252018-11-17T10:02:00.002-05:002018-11-17T10:03:23.678-05:00Dear XY<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">There is a lot of male-bashing in the world, but the fact is men are struggling to cope with life too, as reflected by research conducted by CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably); there is "A Crisis of Masculinity". CALM is an award-winning charity dedicated to preventing male suicide: </span></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/">https://www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/</a> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">I can already hear the sighs of some feminists and women, and I am not dismissing their case and hear them clearly. I am no foreigner to their thoughts, but I am also critically knowledgeable, often deconstructing and analyzing the social construction of gender, its history, and the psychological and social implications on the individual as well as the systemic dimensions. This is also coming from a cisgender female perspective. I acknowledge and do truly celebrate LGBTQ2. But I'm not here to write some research paper or argue with anyone. I just want to state a candid, honest and genuine truth of how I feel about men.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">I love the way </span><span style="color: #666666;">men </span><span style="color: orange;">smell</span><span style="color: #666666;">, after a shower, a workout, or an evening out, it makes me want to nuzzle in even closer. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They have these large and thick </span><span style="color: orange;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">man spade</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">s</span></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">, that when they take your hand in theirs, it feels so </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">reassuring, warm, and strong</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I can't get enough of that feeling of resting my head against their </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">strong beating heart</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. Somehow my head fits perfectly on their </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">chest</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I love that men are physically stronger than me, taller and can squish me in their arms if they wanted to, but they don't, holding you with </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">care and gentleness</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They know how to </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">touch you in just the right places</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> and ways to give you goosebumps, giggles, and mmmm (although sometimes they need a guiding hand). </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They are so hairy and rough, I totally dig it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They act as radiators when its cold, hehe sorry for my icy feet in bed. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">When I'm attracted to them they </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">give me butterflies</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> and it drives me crazy that it's difficult to be composed in their presence; can't help that I turn red, become super cerebral or I don't know ~ odd. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I feel so </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">protected and safe</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> in those arms and especially walking in the evenings downtown. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Chivalry</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> is not dead, and it warms my heart when they are such gentlemen. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It's so sexy, and </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">such a turn on</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> to see a man in his element, focused and doing his thing, they are so</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">capable</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> in different ways than me. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They save the day and are </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">heroes</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> by getting rid of the spider in the room, or </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(102, 102, 102); color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">when they offer to carry the groceries and make it look so light and effortless.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The way they speak of and treasure their </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">moms</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> is so sweet and beautiful. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I can't help but smile fondly when you are </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">unashamedly yourself</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I love that they</span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> come across as so tough and in charge exteriorly but on the inside, so sensitive and probably more easily scared and hurt than they let on.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">They have a capacity of the </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">heart</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> and </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">pure dedication </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">that ceases to amaze.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">You don't always have to be so composed as social pressures have conditioned you to be since you were little - its okay, and will be okay, no judgments here. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I can't tell you how much I appreciate and value the good men in my life. I have so much </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">respect</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> for you. I feel extremely grateful in their presence.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span> <span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We need each other. I'd like to be there to reciprocate and give as much as I can, explore new perspectives and be with/for the love of my life. I miss it.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-76217781341700186292018-08-24T17:24:00.001-04:002018-08-24T17:43:24.938-04:00Clover's Eulogy <div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
August 20, 2018<o:p></o:p></div>
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Clover, I knew you before you were born, you came from a lineage of quality pedigree that takes you back to the Isle of Skye. The breeder’s house in Lindsay, Ontario had a yellow brick road that lead to her house, where you chose us and nestled in my lap with whispy puppy hair and warmth.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I named you Clover, after the lucky four-leaf shamrock, as at the time I was still in the process of healing and recovering from a very dark illness and you were such pure light and hope. It was meant to be. A few weeks after bringing you home, my boyfriend of 7 years told me he no longer loved me and left both of us in a cold Toronto winter during Christmas and New Years as he went on a cruise in Hawaii. Remember those cold concrete floors in the loft? It wasn’t an easy start, but you were there to fill my heart with laughter, pure unconditional love, and joy.<br />
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We started puppy training, you were apprehensive at first, especially those older rough-housing puppies in class, but you always held your own and never lost character. You moved all the way up to agility and loved the fun challenges.<o:p></o:p><br />
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The first of many moves was living at home for a few months learning the ropes from Maple (the family Golden Retriever), while I was deciding on the next course of action post-relationship. I received an emergency phone call one day from the concierge when you and Maple broke out of the unit (she learned how to open the front door) and both of you ended up frolicking the hallways and entering the elevator, they caught you on surveillance, you were too an accomplice! <o:p></o:p></div>
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We moved to a condo at College and Bay where you ended up peeing on an Englishman neighbor’s brand-new suede shoes. The apology card that I had to write, on your behalf, began a soulful relationship of 6 or so years. <o:p></o:p></div>
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You made friends with everyone and whoever came in contact with you fell in love with your coquettish adorable charm, personality, and wonderful manners.<o:p></o:p><br />
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We wanted to give you more space to explore so we decided on renting a house at Lawrence and Yonge. That was a total flop, as the place flooded the day before we were to move in, with all of our belongings in boxes that had already been transferred previously, floating in the water, getting completely drenched. Followed with a dick-head of a landlord who got greedy and started stealing our mail when we said we would take this to small claims court; subsequently, changing the locks without telling us, with all of our belongings still in the house! Those were my full-time artist days, and many of my paintings were destroyed. I was in shock from the flood, the landlord’s immoral actions, legal case, losing many of my art pieces, and ending up having to take refuge at my parent’s place. My little brother was also going through the fight of his life, and I was always so afraid for his well-being and worried, but you solidly heeled next to me through the journey, licking my tears away and greeting me with a waggie tail and furry cuddles.</div>
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Then the shock of losing Maple, at 9, when her heart filled with fluid and died at home surrounded by family. You kept your respectful distance but checked in often to see that everyone was alright. We said our goodbyes to Maple.<o:p></o:p><br />
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We found a house! We moved in and chased rodents living under the deck, greeting masked bandit raccoons and exploring the area for a few years on Hillsdale Ave. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My family moved to Marina Del Rey, Los Angeles, and needed us to look after their condo in Toronto when they were away, and you became close friends with literally everyone in the condo. They always brought you treats, and you couldn’t get enough of those tummy rubs - you big suck!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was offered a lucrative job and an amazing opportunity in Tokyo and I had to ask the boyfriend to look after you while he stayed behind in Toronto. I came to visit you, but I felt like such a bad mommy for having to leave you behind, but it was for your well-being as you would’ve been too overwhelmed in Tokyo. The distance and difference in the trajectory of our life paths ended the relationship between him and me, and he moved back to the UK, but coincidentally my family moved back from L.A. to Toronto, so you transitioned again to live with them. Was I selfish to leave you behind while I was working in Tokyo? The guilt is one I’ve dealt with and come to terms with but still, I apologize for not being by your side. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Then the family moved to the suburbs of Detroit, MI, initially in a posh too large estate where you helped Mom with her back problems by taking her on walks and keeping her active, finally settling into a more manageable house with a beautiful backyard overlooking a lake, golf course, and lush green forests. You were happy there.<br />
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I moved back from Tokyo to Toronto after some difficult and significant life decisions, but the condo that I could find at the time was in the thick of downtown Toronto, and the landlord didn’t allow your four-legged kind. By now you’ve already been through so many transitions that I felt it best to let you settle in and live out your senior years surrounded by quiet, nature, and space in Michigan, although you had to share the spotlight with my brother’s big ol’ cat Ty. Even being stateside, you were still there to lick up my sad and happy tears through life’s difficulties and happenings, three career transitions, the dating disappointments, and heartbreaks.<br />
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We thought you had allergies, so we took you in for a check-up, and they did a scan, which came back showing a large and aggressive cancerous metastatic tumor in your nasal cavity. They gave you weeks, but you gave us months. Early this morning, around 5am, you came to my bedroom and you let me know that it is time. I knew looking into your eyes, listening to your breathing, and intuition. I laid next to you and cried; sadness, pure gratitude, appreciation, deep compassion, and love. I’ll be celebrating you, Clover, as you gave me hope and light when times were dark, and when I needed you most. You were one of my only constants in our 14 years, thank you for your devotion and commitment. My four-leaf Clover. We journeyed, fought, overcame life’s obstacles and you lived an epic full life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We’re going to take you in tonight, and you’ll gently fall asleep, for the last time, surrounded by love and warmth in my arms.<br />
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Love and Hugs Clover my girl,<o:p></o:p></div>
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Marie <o:p></o:p></div>
BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-25897462922931704402017-12-13T12:28:00.001-05:002017-12-13T13:01:13.901-05:00Another Milestone to Celebrate Facing Fears<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="fir5g" data-offset-key="8qdk4-0-0" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I DID IT!!! </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Another milestone to celebrate. As I finish my first semester back at University; truth - I never thought it was possible until I actually did it. To be averaging 85-90 on a full course load, whilst working in the contemporary arts, is a cherry on top, as to me, the grades are just that, alphabets and numbers. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Many don't know and would hardly be able to imagine this, but, in my early years I suffered from debilitating anxiety; where, I wasn't able to step out the door, and face the world outside for days on end. I don't know how many times I begged my mom to drive me back home in the morning, after sitting on the curb for god knows how long, due to my extreme phobia of school in the states, and in Tokyo, I used to faint in the subway on my way to school, etc (mainly discrimination, bullying, and abuse from those who were supposed to support and foster a child's growth in the education systems, mostly ignorance on behalf of some of the teachers and parents, the silent microagressions that also added up) it was a physical terror, and I avoided it for over ten years, </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">until now. </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Don't talk about me being back at school in front of my mom, as she'll burst out in tears; she's just happy I'm 1. alive and 2. can't believe I'm back at school.</span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Anxiety takes on many forms, many of which I had the delight of experiencing first hand (along with other diagnoses) and took high doses of medications for over 15 years, all of which I came off of last year (although surprisingly never experienced panic attacks or stage fright before ballet performances). </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">An excellent and heartfelt poetry session, on anxiety, by Jae Nichelle that a friend of mine recently shared with me. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; text-align: center;">"So, my anxiety and I have what some people might call a friends-with-benefits relationship. We have no love for each other, but she still just like fucks with me sometimes." - Jae Nichelle</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; text-align: left;">To lead a life free of debilitating anxiety is possible, with healthy coping strategies and management, through self-awareness, and perseverance. </span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-67436577103267726862017-08-02T20:28:00.001-04:002017-08-02T22:58:34.123-04:00UNIVERSAL AUTHENTICITY: The Value We Bring Into the World<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">What a life! We lead such amazing lives irrespective of location, race, class, or circumstance. I am constantly awestruck by our uniqueness and gifts. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As I was working and studying, I had this video streaming in the background, and Oprah couldn't have described my sentiments more accurately:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I left Tokyo two years ago with solid goals and promises in mind, and I recently realized I have done exactly what I set out to do and then some. I wanted to update you on the adventure:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">I have returned to University to pursue a calling and dream of mine and I will be completing my first course next week. I have been accepted into the Social Work program at Ryerson University in Toronto, and my first summer course ends next week.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">I am currently working with the Detroit Institute of Arts on behalf of The Japan Business Association of Detroit on a new venture to promote and increase exposure of Japanese contemporary artists in the North American/International art arena. We've recently sent out a call to contemporary artists, and of the proposals submitted, the DIA/JBAD executive committee will be jurying and accepting a Japanese contemporary artist and their work to be exhibited at the Detroit Institute of Arts along with the launch of their new permanent Japan Gallery installation. I am working remotely, often taking business trips across the border.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #444444; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There are many opportunities to work with arts organizations locally and internationally to help those struggling with life's challenges, and/or mental illnesses through the medium of (contemporary) art and creativity, which I have been contacted and plan to get involved. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">Quietly, but consistently gaining inspiration, structure, and momentum on a project I hold dear to my heart; the next steps in making a greater difference in the world. Watch this space, it will evolve and grow with us all. I will begin pursuing my efforts and goals in business as a student of social work. I may not be able to practice officially, yet, but I can still make a difference in other creative ways. A little peek below.</span></span></li>
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Back to what Oprah was saying, and the value that each one of us brings to the universe. I firmly believe there is a reason that I am still alive today and there is a greater purpose in my existence. There is no explanation, but I hand that over to the powers of God, the Universe, in spirituality. These life experiences only make us stronger and better for it. It's not about me, it is a responsibility to the world, and part of a promise I made to myself when I chose <i>life</i>. I'm always figuring ways to influence and make a difference for the better. As difficult and as challenging the road has been, and I'm sure with many more obstacles to overcome, and being a total work in progress... This is my purpose, and I am living my dreams.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We each bring a unique value to the world and other people's lives. The fact that we are, MATTERS. Be with your "authentic power", the rest (power, money, looks) passes and will fade. None of that matters except being true to yourself, and who we are BEING in the world. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I am so grateful!</span></div>
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-<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Late night studying, always a student of life. </span> </div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-84406105692209691912017-06-01T14:54:00.000-04:002017-06-01T14:54:00.837-04:00A post long forgotten: A Life Unscripted<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">*I put my blog on ice for long enough I think... There have been many changes and developments since I last posted. I've decided to unprivatize my blog in the hopes that my life and our vulnerabilities can be met with courage and openness.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A post I didn't publish:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Every time I revisit J.K. Rowling's commencement speech video, I am moved, but more recently:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Some failure in life is inevitable, it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all and in which case you've failed by default."</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from set backs mean that you are ever after secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself or the strength of your relationships until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I've earned."</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Human empathy saves lives."</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Last year, I did not know that choosing to put a pause on my career to focus on getting off pharmaceuticals would mean financial and societal castration; from an external perspective I have failed, and a part of me feels much like a failure. I am smart enough to know that I am in no way a failure from a personal stance where the breadth of my life is concerned, but I can not deny my experience.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yes, we have all been put through the wringer in our lives at one time or rather; my physical, psychological, and emotional capacities have been pushed to its limits, and I've been tested by life lessons this year (*2015~16). </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I find myself pondering about fate, and destiny. I believe we create our own destinies, but there are those 'out of left field' instances too.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Piles of drawing journals and written materials for a future book.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Years of my life in my late teens and early 20's were vacant due to severe illness.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The beauty and gift of life is in our ability to </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">persevere, </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">evaluate, get back up, and rebuild. The learning process never ends! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thank you truly, for <i>being</i> through thick and thin,</span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-60585464493763002672016-02-17T13:08:00.000-05:002016-02-17T13:08:15.354-05:00How to Not Die<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A statement really hit deep today:</span><div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Marie you're not dead today because of your refusal to ever stop trying or give up. Its directly connected to your resilience, tenacity, determination, work ethic, strength, and spirit."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The depth and wisdom that comes with life's trials and tribulations. The constant learning never stops. Recently learning to muster the strength and courage to move on and let go of those, despite love respect and being amazing individuals and a best friend, will hinder your journey to what you want and need in your life. That loss is tragic, one which hurts beyond belief and need to grieve accordingly.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An inner strength and knowing, a commitment to your own life and integrity to step up for your personal growth. Tough lessons, and many tears, but a gumption in believing in your own inner self and being. You forge forwards, exploring the unknown, with support but ultimately on your own; it can be lonely, but your strong on your drive and intuition. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My need for living completely and wholly; the full experience without fillers, distractions or inconsistencies. Recently coming back from a 2 week visit to Tokyo, I began to paint again. Returning to that pure authentic space within is no easy task; being awash with all of my emotions, and psychological states, to face the truth on the canvas is intimate and vulnerable, uncomfortable. The best work can arise from the depths of reflection, and time off, we'll see.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I realise that becoming pharmaceutical free is only another challenge amongst the many I've had to face and overcome, and every day I am surprised and delighted to be here, in existence. It's not easy, but you become better for it and that heart space within, and depths of wisdom never ceases to expand and empower. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My recent out of the ordinary read has introduced me to a new brand of shapeshifting super intelligent blue colour; Hooloovoo, I imagine something magical in my favourite colour. And the number 42, from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, eye opening and fascinating.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How life unfolds, what a journey. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">w/Love and Hugs,</span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-68932459563326378702016-01-12T15:47:00.000-05:002016-01-12T15:47:22.508-05:002016<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starting off the new year, the epilogue of Jenny Lawson's book FURIOUSLY HAPPY can't be any more true to me:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"</span><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Deep in the Trenches </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">To all who walk the dark path, and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us:</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Brighter days are coming.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Clearer sight will arrive.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">And you will arrive too.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">... The bright moments might be for a few days at a time, but hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">In the dark you find yourself, all bones and exhaustion and helplessness. In the dark you find your basest self... You will see things that no normal person will ever see... fearsome monsters, you know they aren't real but when you're in that black watery hole with them they are the realest thing there is. And they want us dead.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">And sometimes they succeed.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">But not always. And not with you. You are alive. You have fought and battled them, You are scarred and worn and sometimes exhausted and were perhaps even close to giving up, but you did not.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">You have won many battles... you learn how to fight.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">And in the deepest, night-blind fathoms you're certain that you're alone. You aren't. I'm there with you. And I'm not alone... Painfully stretching their souls so that they can learn to breathe underwater... so that they can do what the monsters say is impossible. So that they can live... So that they can dry themselves in the warm light that shines so brightly and easily for those above the surface. So that they can walk with others in the sunlight but with different eyes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Ground zero is where the normal people live their lives, but not us... Life when the sun shines should be lived full throttle, soaring. The invisible tether that binds the normal people on their steady course doesn't hold us in the same way. Sometimes we walk in sunlight with everyone else. Sometimes we live underwater and fight and grow.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">And sometimes... sometimes we fly.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It rarely feels like it, and I probably need to acknowledge it more often, but I am flying exuberantly. For that I am infinitely grateful. I shall keep on living, loving, caring, and believing in the possibilities. 2016 biiitches!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Love and Hugs,</span><br />
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-29091845931482020912015-10-05T23:45:00.000-04:002015-10-05T23:53:42.805-04:00NOMADIC CONTEMPORARIES <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lives today are as mobile as they have ever been, in a flux of activity wether on our phones or lifestyles, more and more of us will lead transient lives that span countries and oceans, making the world a smaller place.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been on the move since I could remember; my first move was at 1 from Tokyo to Nagoya, I only have recollection of vague memories, and familiar sensations. I have lived a nomadic life, where all appears so seamless and borderless, where international moves are done in less than a month; reality feels a bit warped and there are those pangs in space and time where I so long for stable ground to call home. Home for me has never been a destination or place, but wherever I am within, and the safe space I temporarily create for myself.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Life is constantly ebbing and flowing, but it would be nice to be able to snuggle up to a reliable significant other, a doggie companion, preferably in a place that is not a rental, to feel safe and to belong. Is this even possible or a figment of my imagination? I wonder what life is like to live in one place for longer than a few years without chunks of life missing to illness or other life lessons that are now distant memories. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These moves have brought our family closer together (although this too was a turbulent path to get to where we are today), as who else would have our backs? Teaching us (my brother and I) the value of complete trust and loyalty to the death, with an honesty and openness that is uncommon; something I treasure and have infinite gratitude. Maybe home will be wherever I end up creating my own family? It makes me wonder of the adventures to come, although I am getting very tired of doing international moves, not to mention cost and stamina required. The only thing that could possibly move me at this point in my life is for love/to support someone I love.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinZExi41NL2Wo9Sxfuh7lE4D1_bHLDLVSYewI8liX1cmV7jFC3JdkReYtZilI55A9hUOzhyphenhyphensOXfK4mps68YE4w3jOdsA19t2RltzC65Vvf3V4h3_vRNVVv-CHgIJ3puyUgqu25XC3mlGI/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-10-05+at+23.29.03.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="85" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinZExi41NL2Wo9Sxfuh7lE4D1_bHLDLVSYewI8liX1cmV7jFC3JdkReYtZilI55A9hUOzhyphenhyphensOXfK4mps68YE4w3jOdsA19t2RltzC65Vvf3V4h3_vRNVVv-CHgIJ3puyUgqu25XC3mlGI/s320/Screen+Shot+2015-10-05+at+23.29.03.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sometimes I think that having moved so much, has kept me extremely pure at heart, uncluttered, and truly appreciating the simple things in life; actually, that's probably not travel related but a host of life experiences, values, and character? Who knows~ I'm just thinking aloud... </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Where is the future of modern society going with such nomadic contemporaries? How will individuals and people adapt and learn to transition, or will there be an influx of instability and some sort of transition/transient/displacement disorder? Will families look after one another and get closer or disintegrate? I don't know of the trends to come but curious to see how we evolve with the times.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the time being, focusing on the task at hand; an anchor for when I float off into the stratosphere is an irreplaceable lifeline. I'm steadily getting there, 300 (originally 475 at my highest) to 187.5 is remarkable progress:) </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span>BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-7139284182320275022015-09-27T22:52:00.000-04:002015-09-27T22:52:19.619-04:00A Little Encouragement<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some days you just don't know how you can possibly get through another day. The weight of life is heavy. Right now frustration abounds, and I am trying to tame my serial overachieving multitasking inhuman nature. How to quiet the mind while synapses are being tampered with and juggling an international move, two jobs, reconnecting with social aspects, concerns and worries, etc etc etc. Such is life. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You do the best you can, and focus on the simple pleasures of life, the good (or you try to), and get through the rough patches, one unstable sand dune step at a time. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You know you'll live, but sometimes you want to believe in something bigger than yourself; the hopes and possibilities keep you motivated, sheer gut strength, and commitment to live life fully without fear, regret, close-mindedness, and a vast undying compassionate heart keeps me afloat. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Forgiveness, tolerance, and a malleable core also helps in seeing various perspectives and embodying empathy. After a collision, some beeline for the phone to call 911, others react however way, and I knee-jerk react straight to the individual who needs emotional/psychological support. We're all wired differently, some can see it, and appreciate it, others oblivious, most pass judgement. Thats all right, we all have our past experiences and scars unresolved, easily aggravated, its all a learning experience and we're all evolving on the journey. After a while you're just grateful for every experience, good, bad, the completely ugly. You love every bit of it, as you've lived a life where in an instant it can be taken away from you, changed, void.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Might I add, who you are, 'being', also makes the world of difference. We are not only what we do, but whom we embody.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-1508984878284725462015-08-20T14:32:00.000-04:002015-08-20T17:18:05.556-04:00INTERNATIONAL DATELINES APPLY: Extensive Honest Shpeal on Dating. Love. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I recently came across this article on TINDER AND THE DAWN OF THE 'DATING APOCALYPSE' in the 2015 September issue of Vanity Fair Magazine, and I was lost for words... this is the saddest thing I've come across in a while, in unison with the state to Japan's lack of sex drive and/or desire for relationships. Here is the article here: </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating">http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">Reading the article got me to thinking of recent concerns of female and male friends, as well as the realities I've had to face, dating on one side of the planet to the other; international date lines are in effect up in here~ I'm no dating/relationship expert and I can't say what is right or wrong, but only what I know is true to me and my own opinions. I will try to be as gender neutral as possible and offer varying perspectives (although no matter what it will end up being biased as I'm female and can't speak for being a man). This is my lengthy, probably the first and last shpeal on the subject. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">Dating in one side of the globe and the other has some differences due to cultural and surrounding environments but the premise is the same. Everyone is looking for human connection; in the realm of dating, a romantic/intimate partnership or hook up (if you're like these guys going after girls/women like they appear on the NASDAQ). </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">If I must, I can go into further detail; for example in Tokyo, being in a Japanese environment and a culture that is a bit misguided (</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">勘違</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">いしてる)focusing on the more superficial, puts those with 'gaijin' or foreign/western/anglo saxon features on a pedestal, giving them false sense of pride/power/superiority. I have encountered on numerous occasions whilst dating where the other individual would casually say: 'don't worry the cab drivers will stop as I'm white' or 'they will stop for a foreigner', as I instinctually try to stop them from jaywalking across the street as cars were approaching, and didn't want them to get hit. My comment was, (mainly at the start of my time in Tokyo as you get desensitised to these quips after a while); 'you've been here way too long, and you're more "Japanese" than I am'... my facial expression; <i>did I really hear you correctly?!</i> But this is a reality, that just is, and although I think it to be sad, it is one that both foreign and Japanese are responsible.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I need to state the fact that I am Japanese, although in Japan probably more foreign than some of the foreigners, and I have experienced both sides of the double edged sword as well as the rainbow-and-unicorn-on-a-bed-of-pink-clouds treatment of being 'different' (and confidently so in my own unique way). So I believe I have a good inside out/outside in perspective. I have also experienced the reverse, of being in a completely American environment where I was the only asian in the whole school. Culture shock on varying degrees throughout my life existed. I've also been in two major long term relationships (of 7 years and 5 with my ex boyfriends), been single for the last two years, and at 33 I do date. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In Toronto it is more; we're all human, anything goes, and a mishmash of multiculturalism, amidst the other aspects like socio-economic status, age, and other factors that go into one finding a mate. But still complicated none the less as one has to be vigilant or sensitive to the cultural backgrounds, customs, language differences of the other you are meeting, etc. I've only been here since May this year, and when I lived here before, I was in a committed long term relationship, so I can't provide as much insight into the realities of dating here, although I do get asked out on coffee and dinner dates often. Wether it goes anywhere beyond that, well, when you know yourself, needs, and wants... I'm very discerning and selective to whom I give my time, energy, and self. I am also currently going through a lot medically that requires my attention, but I'm trying my best not to let that get in the way of leading the greatest possible life (under the circumstances). </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is going to be quite a generalised post on this topic, but a few things I've learned along the way and some words of advice that may or may not help or apply.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As you mature, perspectives, priorities, non-negotiable's, standards, and values also evolve. Constantly learning as you go, tweaking what it is that you want and need in yourself, your future, your significant other. Only you know yourself best, and you trust that the other individual does themselves, and will respectfully act accordingly without taking advantage or being a douchebagasswipe dick/batshitcrazy bitch. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have had the fortunate experience of meeting those whom were extremely respectful (intentional or not), and genuine individuals who had my best interests at heart who have had the courage, despite their 'liking' 'desiring' me, let me go, breaking my heart. If you've invested your time and energy, had reasonable expectations and believed in the other persons actions and advances accordingly, you feel shattered, disappointed, sometimes feeling mislead, mind-fucked, and the hurricane of emotions and thoughts, depending on the situation. But thinking of it now I realise that they probably knew themselves best and if they believed they could not be a/the man in my life, then it wasn't meant to be. I also have to add, breaking another persons heart can be the hardest thing one can do, and one that takes a lot of courage. It just sucks, and there is a shitload of hurt on both sides (dating and more so in relationships).</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dating, exposing your heart, allowing someone else into your world, risking rejection, all requires vulnerability; something we don't do well in the modern age. Especially if you end up dating someone like me who goes straight to the heart of reality or truth, of pure depth and are challenged to face one self, and to be the best they can be, yes, it must be extremely scary (especially as guys/men don't do emotions and 'psychological' stuff very well). Those you date or attract usually in some part reflect your current state of being and where you are in your life. The universe has a funny way of presenting what you put out. You never really know if the individual you meet and date, in the present, are meant to be or not, only time will tell. And dating in the 21st century where everyone is mobile and where distance can happen; you become creative and push comfort zones, wether through Skype, FaceTime, phone calls, emails, FB, plane ride~ you work it out. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You learn from your past, face shortcomings, create new strategies, evolve and grow from mistakes. Change is possible no matter how old you are, its just a question of being brave enough to face your own demons, being flexible and adapting to new circumstances. I mean I'm head strong and stubborn as heck, but bring on a challenge and you bet I'll be roughin' it head on, determined to overcome any obstacle and ready to step up completely. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And standards; as long as they are realistic and reflects who you are and the life you've lead, and you personally would be able to uphold them yourself, do not ever lower. For example; I've had men older than I am, take flights to come see me (although I've only known them shortly and have met them a few times), flash their matte black, millionaire, high flying Master Card, and after dinner invite me over to their place expecting to get jiggy with me, at which point I tell them 'no, while you're high flying around the world, you haven't shown me concrete proof of who you are and what it is that you do, you don't know where you are going to end up, and are in the process of looking for the next investment/project/venture, a bit iffy on the commitment front, not much stability, expecting me to trust you completely?' Nope, no can do. I've no qualms, regardless of CEO status, earning power, profession, savant level mind, drop dead gorgeous looks, or anything other than value, respect, honesty, integrity, rationale, I WILL speak my mind, and/or stand up and leave, go catch the next bus/train/drive/take a flight/walk away, being polite and respectful, all the smooth while with concern for the other individuals feelings and ego, while I firmly stand up for myself, values, and standards.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Women and men alike; </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Its just a self sabotaging cycle where if neither stands up for their standards or operates on values, without respect for one another; it becomes a fuck fest re: Tinder, where individuals are objectified, hot or not?! That is very animalistic and a low radar to be operating, not to mention risk of STDs and safety... although I am sure there are a minority who are on Tinder innocently enough who do end up in relationships.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Know yourself well enough to trust you'll make the right choices when they come about.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the case of confrontation and conflict where rationale and actions don't match words, you speak your mind. I rarely get mad, but if you anger me, I fight like a drunk psychiatrist in a bar brawl; conflict resolution like bullet points, put it all out on the table, and work everything out. See, some are outliers in programming or sport, but I am an outlier in the realm of psycho analysis and kicking with the punches. Grow with me, explore and adventure with me. Please step up and be down for an amazing life! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So this thing we chase after called love, is sensitive, messy, riddled with hurt, rejection, tears, anxiety and uncertainty, but something worth fighting for and finding, as there is no other sensation greater than being in love and being loved by another, knowing that no matter what, someone else will have your back, as you traverse through this crazy adventure that is life. So to find this significant other, you date. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What do successful women (not girls) want and what are they attracted to?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An alpha male, who takes charge of his life, takes care of himself, and what he wants, with drive and ambition for his purpose, and future vision. A man (not a boy or guy, but a man) that takes full responsibility for his actions and aspects in life, who has the ability to be fierce when in need. Reliable, responsible, trustworthy, and dependable, a leader, who will protect and make one feel safe to be a feminine woman, and potential to be the provider and protector and the head of the household. That is a HUGE! responsibility, and it must be daunting to even consider for many, but in return a woman will bring with her a whole set of skills and gifts that makes a man's life that much better and easier (regardless of all the complaining and things you often hear about). Hey we need one another! For the commitment phobic guys out there, research seems to show benefits to improved health and higher earning for those who are in successful long term relationships. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">(a few examples: <a href="http://web.stanford.edu/group/scspi/_media/pdf/Reference%20Media/Antonovics_2004_Lifecourse.pdf" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">http://web.stanford.edu/group/scspi/_media/pdf/Reference%20Media/Antonovics_2004_Lifecourse.pdf</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/08/upshot/study-finds-more-reasons-to-get-and-stay-married.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=0">http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/08/upshot/study-finds-more-reasons-to-get-and-stay-married.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=0</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/marriage-and-mens-health">http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/marriage-and-mens-health</a><span style="color: #666666;"> )</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some go into dating with the end goal and neon sign of </span><span style="color: cyan; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ring</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, </span><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">marriage</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, </span><span style="color: lime;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">wedding</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">,</span></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">happily ever after</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> (don't you love the garish colours I used there;), or god forbid to fill a void in their lives... then you miss the mark completely, the true meaning of a partnership and loving another for who they are and for the life that you respect and care for, as the beautiful whole individual you chose to allow into your life, and fallen in love. I personally think weddings are taken out of proportion and ridiculous in their materialism and cost, but its a nice staged performance to attend and see~ Who knows, I may think differently if I ever get to that place. I believe commitment is extremely important, and how you show or express that is up to you, but a 'contract' I'm still on the fence; when in doubt get a prenup, I guess...? This is one that needs to be discussed with whomever you are seriously considering being with. But what I'm saying is marriage/commitment is not the end game in dating; its only the very beginning of a new adventure, with another individual by your side. Enjoy the process of getting to know them and totally suss them out as they will you! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the mean time enjoy your life!, your single life, embrace and learn about who you are, at your core. Be the best individual you can be, assess the dating situations you find yourself, and those you encounter in your life (dating or otherwise!). Destiny, fate, meant to be's; believe it. Being in love will bring out aspects of yourself you never thought imaginable, challenging your deepest darkest hidden fears, but empowering you to step up, be present for another, and to be your best possible self.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don't you love being human!? I love it, I think life is fascinating in all its facets, regardless of the darkest deepest crevices you may have to endure.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span>BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-27853087861304027732015-08-16T16:40:00.004-04:002015-08-17T07:32:40.674-04:00a SURVIVOR and/or a THRIVER?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Waking up this very warm and sunny Sunday morning to Andrea Bocelli singing in Portofino Italy was such a joy, even if it was only on TV, it was beautiful, and instantly transported me to a soulful place.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Earlier in the week being full of doubts, and re-strategising the course of action, coming up with a detailed day by day plan for the rest of 2015 in milligrams; completely humbling and disturbing, but necessary, I was able to find some resolve. A direction, some clarity within the muck! You realise your strength, and then an empowered drive bubbles up from within; you're not only a </span><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">survivor</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">but a </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">thriver</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">. You've known this, but until you can own the sensation, can you appreciate its full weight.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Throughout life you are faced with a mine field of aspects that challenge your value, worth, belief, gumption, and truth, questioning reason and wondering of perspectives outside of your own, but after a while you realise this is a futile process, and only through personal experience and actualising the place that you are standing can you embody a life well lived, and are reminded to never underestimate yourself.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Things may not happen right way, as you wanted them to, but all seems to unfold in time as they should. If it is meant to be, it will be. There is only so much you can control, a concept difficult for <i>this one</i> to swallow; lack of patience and highly self critical nature is a double edged sword, but a characteristic that drives us to be better and thrive in any situation we are placed. And fear, amplified by knowing all can be lost in an instant (and then some), you treasure and live every moment fully. Learning as you go, EXUBERANTLY. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Coming back to Toronto, I'm not sure what it is but the comment; 'you are glowing' has been a pattern I haven't really heard people say to me before, <i>why thank you</i>... maybe it is my suuuper healthy lifestyle that I am sticking to while I go through the shit of getting off meds, but I'd like to think I'm evolving from within and that growth/enlightenment/wisdom/whatever-ya-wanna-call-it glow, </span><span style="color: #ea9999; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">feminine beauty</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> (Haha!LOL!) emanates from within! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well I've got until Friday to enjoy the bit of stability, then another 37.5 down *wink*. New strategy to rip off the duct tape (so to speak) has been motivating; week of Nov. 4th is the new target. What's to come of this, so help me god~ but it's ok, I'll always be better off than the 'liver guy' (Prometheus):) </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span>BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-44701977555679545062015-07-26T05:26:00.001-04:002015-07-26T05:26:49.295-04:00A Sleepless Night<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There is an eerie quiet that befalls the city, a completely sleepless night, in the dim of adjacent office building lights; that all too familiar feeling, in Toronto, memories of past.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: center;">How much we all change over time.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some days are harder than others, battle wounds difficult to mend. But you pick up the shattered pieces, reminding ourselves that time will heal, and the sun will rise again in the morning.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-67775216240804598412015-07-02T17:26:00.000-04:002015-07-03T09:33:40.875-04:00FIGHT FOR THE LIFE YOU WANT: Pharmaceutical Withdrawal<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am going to share this as I believe the process I am going through will help those in similar situations and may gain some insight, comfort and support in knowing that they are not alone. This maybe a bit lengthy, I apologise, but it is important that I accurately and honestly describe.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We all have our personal journeys, experiences explored, a life full of challenges; wether it be a one time excruciating blip, or a recurring pattern of hardship. They are the myriad of life's adventures, that walk along side the beautiful joys and exuberance of what is life. In a post prior I believe I mentioned that I'd refocus my attention on reasons I moved countries in the first place, and so I've proceeded to do just that.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I knew what I was facing and getting into, I was scared (and there isn't much that ever stops me in life, but this took A LOT more guts than I had imagined). But a decision making process of over many months in Tokyo, to leave wonderful opportunities and career prospects/offers, amazing individuals, and a piece of my heart were made; not only physical, and emotional implications of leaving and making life changing choices, but the financial implications of such a move/decision is fear at its worst, and the uncertainty, completely unsettling. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">June 18th I 'jumped' and started this gruelling process that if ever experienced, those can relate, and others I can only try to explain and beg for understanding, respect, and patience. But there is only so much you can do to describe to those who are not in your intimate inner circle or are not yet comfortable divulging your personal mission; ultimately life is often a lonely path as we are all independently traversing our unpaved paths. We have our own individual battles and fights to fight. And in my weakness (or so society has conditioned us to believe) I can't tell you how much I miss having a significant other in my life whom I can trust completely, to rely and lean on while going through this, but that is where true friends come into play, and just knowing that they are there, wherever they are in the world, has offered more support and strength than they would ever know. Sometimes a word or two are all you need to get through the moments. Pure gratitude, and that 'knowing look' without words is all you need. And those you've only recently met or gotten to know; try to explain and tell them: </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Please know that I am usually much more outgoing, and not this out of it or exhausted, appearance or otherwise", "I am just doing battle with life's hiccups, and it's only temporary", "if you are indeed someone who is worth my time and have a warm heart, please don't stigmatise or judge me too harshly, and stick around" (well, I dunno if you'd say that out loud, but don't we all silently think and would like to scream that at times). </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What is your Fidozac? Going through medical files with the professionals here in Toronto, I've been on mine for over twelve years. I have my opinions about pharmaceutical companies; both favourable and extremely unfavourable, but don't we all. They can save your life, but there is also much they don't disclose; especially the younger medications without solid research or evidence needed over time. Definitely what they don't tell you about is the hell you will endure trying to get off of them (IF you do ever try); WITHDRAWAL when your body has been on a high dosage of powerful pharmaceuticals for over a decade is REAL.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No, this is a completely different process than getting off or ending your cough meds, as many often associate, but a lengthy process of a complete reshuffling of brain chemistry. This affects the core of your physiology, psychology, emotionality, mentality, strategy and life style (social or otherwise), through months and maybe even years. But my life is one I don't squander lightly and as I succeed in tapering off these medications, other opportunities will open in my life; the length of the rest of my life, my future, and who knows, 'if' I do decide to have kids, first, I would be able to, and second, another generation. But for me the ease of being able to travel or relocate without the worry, strategic planning, or hassle of a hoard of prescription medications are the simple joys I hold on to.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PMS on crack; check. Drug addict going cold turkey; check. A sweaty hairless cat outside in minus 30 degree Canadian weather; check. A defective firecracker; check. A weepy three year old kid; check. A three day all nighter; check. Chronic insomniac; check. A <i>flat</i> 'carbonated' drink; check. Check, check, check~ These are some metaphors that reflect a few of the <u>completely unpredictable</u> effects and scary uncertain situations I can find myself. So yes, I am being EXTREMELY GENTLE with myself, and not being so available is more due to 'self preservation'. I am doing everything in my power to make this process as least sucky as possible.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This means; going about my day as <i>normal</i> as possible, finding a job that is satisfactory and can keep me afloat, going out despite my anxieties around the uncertainties I can't control, utilising ALL of the resources I have available within myself to cope and deal with the onslaught of unstable emotional/psychological states, keep speaking, expressing, creating, sharing, staying connected with especially those I feel comfortable and can trust wherever they are in the world, and not giving into my usual nature to 'be strong' and not reach out when in need, living as healthy a life as possible, allowing myself to be in this completely vulnerable and helpless state and being forced to be OK with it as I don't have much choice.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every day, every moment is a new or different state of being. Hyper awareness of all levels of condition(s) at all times, keeping a detailed document of symptoms; physical, psychological, emotional, etc. being in very close touch with medical professional support networks is top priority (in person, through Skype, any means necessary, esp if you have histories such as mine). Then hold on to your social support networks for dear life when things get impossible, and breathe through the sensations and situations. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To those who are going through similar struggles, know that you are not alone (although it may at times feel convincingly so), and literally one moment at a time. BE EXTREMELY GENTLE WITH YOURSELF, lean on the goodness/positives of humanity, and when it gets really downright sucky, just focus on the breath, or try distractions such as music, candle light, bath, or even South Park... (*wink*), an alternate option is to dive into the discomfort and allow yourself to ride the waves; all are appropriate depending on each and every circumstance.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(note: I have purposefully kept out specifics of medication or condition for which I am on the medications, as to not deter from objectifying or diffusing the importance of that very human gift of empathy and understanding; we can all relate to experiences like these, whatever our struggle or medical condition. Free of borders, wearing blinders, or discrimination). </span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-59362002238879473092015-06-15T10:45:00.001-04:002015-06-15T10:45:35.623-04:00ANCHOR in ROUGH SEAS, NEW ART, BOOKS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The books I am currently enjoying (minus Outliers as I just finished it a few days ago); I am starting to think I may be better off getting a kindle, but I can't help letting go of the tactile... I also like the visual aspect of being able to reach one I'm in the mood for as I usually have more than three books I read at a time. But when I think of my lifestyle, the weight and volume of books are counterintuitive. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The other day I was at the St. Lawrence Market area, out on the patio having a nice tea break before heading off to an exhibit gathering, having the most lovely conversation online with someone in Tokyo, making faces unable to keep from smiling and chuckling, the lady with a stroller next to me looking at me as if I were crazy, I was grateful for advancements in technology keeping me connected to those from all over the world. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The last week has been particularly difficult with much on my mind; of sorting out priorities, calculating and planning. Oftentimes we become so busy and caught up in 'doing' and 'going', 'achieving' and 'defying' that the plot gets lost. Amidst such stormy seas, an anchor to keep you from straying too far off; in heart, care, love, and reassurance, it can be a family member, relative, best friend, significant other, someone whom you can connect and provide perspective. You'd be surprised who steps up to the plate in times of need; in Chicago I found it in a store clerk who was extremely generous! but usually a list of individuals you can count, in one or two hands, are those you treasure with all of your heart.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am focusing on my priorities and the reason I moved countries in the first place. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the time being, a reflection from earlier this week:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBdv0awnxyEA-rvVi20xQVNXLbhpP-P0NC-T9934XhA3G1liJIfXB8YBNDTC7zOT7zpnV3YDYcwBzcyFI683rQN-mMZzkWZkUDYi7yvlfshyhftc3Hxq6YVJQ5ub6tlx4gfK746JnAsW0/s1600/IMG_0210.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBdv0awnxyEA-rvVi20xQVNXLbhpP-P0NC-T9934XhA3G1liJIfXB8YBNDTC7zOT7zpnV3YDYcwBzcyFI683rQN-mMZzkWZkUDYi7yvlfshyhftc3Hxq6YVJQ5ub6tlx4gfK746JnAsW0/s320/IMG_0210.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">OF COWARDS AND MEN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">2015, 16 x 12 x 1.5 in., acrylic on braced birch diptych</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The presence of the duality within all of us; in the face of fear; flight or fight? What is it that brings the best and most courageous out of that which we didn't even know existed? A metaphor: boys vs. men, girl vs. woman? What is it to be human; its a Rorschach minefield, adventure, and/or amazing gift? It can be interpreted however you see fit, I know the layers of meaning this has for me (detail: you can see the various layers of colour on the edges of the dancing line).</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CERTAIN UNCERTAINTY will be the title of the one above when it is complete.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sunnybrook (hospital) please get me through this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-M </span></div>
BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-65627981940416228212015-06-07T15:52:00.002-04:002015-06-07T16:06:58.205-04:00SEARCHING in MYSTERIOUS times<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While I go about searching and applying for possible work opportunities of good fit, many questions come to light allowing discoveries and new found ease in being (which is separate from lacking worry or anxiety due to the uncertainty of security; but over the years you learn to feel them as they come, and let them go, as focusing on it will only intensify stress and wont help matters). </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I find myself in a different place where I am not sharing too much of myself; instead focusing on nurturing and protecting this odd gift of pure authenticity, compassion and a powerful way about me that seems to influence and move individuals to be their best selves (good or bad), an encouraging spirit where I share a piece of my soul and heart, that when tampered with can affect equilibrium.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I never thought of myself as 'mysterious', but there have been a few instances here in Toronto where others have commented that they find me mysterious. It is not my intention, this is just how I'm being in the present, but I'd say I'm more cautious, careful, and discerning. You protect that which can get hurt or are fragile. Whilst to the outer world, physically, things seem settled and its as if I haven't even left traveling the world at all, internally is another story and I know from experience that time and patience are the only antidote. I'm carefully processing, observing, listening, and being selective as everything percolates.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In times like these I tend to resort back to creating; there are a few things on the table that I am considering and working on. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been exploring and getting to know Toronto all over again, enjoying the summer weather and finding footing.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Searching, discovering, recalibrating. </span><br />
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-66813267660434942792015-05-13T20:23:00.002-04:002015-05-13T20:23:45.330-04:00In The Murky Waters of Transition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdy6I44VVc-W2aGLaBgwX6HwRUiu1PhKBpbxwhTX5FK4JgbRSQ7hDMflDOKqrV5jtj5LSZcZVsUASOaYqkQQaZ6JPpTaUSZbqaA3W9l7-UC6AaO3lNoT26w1UMZNw5rqEMDm95PwBxfqM/s1600/IMG_0042.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdy6I44VVc-W2aGLaBgwX6HwRUiu1PhKBpbxwhTX5FK4JgbRSQ7hDMflDOKqrV5jtj5LSZcZVsUASOaYqkQQaZ6JPpTaUSZbqaA3W9l7-UC6AaO3lNoT26w1UMZNw5rqEMDm95PwBxfqM/s320/IMG_0042.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The view outside my balcony in my new Toronto place, with the sunshine peaking through downtown's forest of buildings, I hear a sparrow singing its heart out; he has a family under the rafters to protect. There is life in every corner, even amongst concrete, I find fascinating and warms my heart. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With transitions comes trying to grab onto anything that feels substantial/solid/trustworthy, where murky waters make visibility low. You'd think that after a lifetime of moving and transitions that one would start getting used to the process; this isn't so, and the day I do I will be a lesser being. The more meaning, connection, dedication, and loyalty you create, the harder the separation and longer the grieving process. Last time I left Toronto, I not only left the city, but also a relationship of 5 years. Now I'm back in Toronto where I left the city and all that was; my ex now in a different country, both in a completely different place in our lives than before; new mindsets, perceptions, more scars, and notches on the belt buckle of life. I am glad and proud of being on my own and having traversed the path I have chosen for myself; no regrets, but one not without struggles and a lot of heart ache. That's the thing; the bigger the risks, and decisions, the greater the loss, consequences, the emotions and sensations that ripple. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Where am I now? What does Toronto mean to me, at this point in my life? I sit here in a unit on the top floor of this older intimate building, where the ceiling height makes me feel a bit small, but I've designed the interiors to have a cozy homey familiarity, with reused furniture from my old studio, with paint splatters all over, and that I had replaced with smooth natural stone handles (I only bought new bookshelves and a couch as the ones I did own lasted way beyond their investment; over ten years of early IKEA furniture, YUP, FOR SURE!); but like my works of art, my space is full of texture, layers, and so much meaning in every piece/object. There is a reason it is there, a story that goes along, with a special place in my memory and heart. So yes, there is soul, wherever I go and whatever I touch.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Looking in on the present, and forward, I still can not shake those I miss, the pangs of sadness that remain in the moments of stillness, along with the beautiful sweet aftertaste, that is the gratitude someone/something/someplace worth missing exists. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What do you have in store for me this time around Toronto? I will make the most of it, in my own time, at my own pace, in my unconventional and unique ways. I do appreciate all facets of life; ecstatic, good, bad, and/or downright ugly. What a breadth of experience and adventure; curious of the countless possibilities.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As I returned from a meeting today, there sat a gurney and body bag; apparently someone on my floor passed away. *Life* is happening all around, even in death.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Grateful, and contemplative, I. am. here. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-M</span></div>
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<br />BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-58501936738948609492015-04-30T21:14:00.000-04:002015-05-01T18:57:13.246-04:00DARING GREATLY and COMFORTABLE UNCERTAINTY<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">How am I supposed to start packing for Toronto when I've got this face staring at me...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9K7WjG2Qe5dxLWsiKiGXoYyQhDtlHnC5kY0pSjztnIsxjE8uoPupsgx2YwL2twBz5s57_3r3QlnVcWhyphenhyphenFH7ZzaTfTTYvERmAaiYwLxMJjka4zEdqw3BWWsy6JejWFBR4teMglNb718nA/s1600/IMG_3521.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9K7WjG2Qe5dxLWsiKiGXoYyQhDtlHnC5kY0pSjztnIsxjE8uoPupsgx2YwL2twBz5s57_3r3QlnVcWhyphenhyphenFH7ZzaTfTTYvERmAaiYwLxMJjka4zEdqw3BWWsy6JejWFBR4teMglNb718nA/s1600/IMG_3521.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can't take her with me as my new place doesn't allow animals(;_;) she knows when the suit cases start coming out that I will be leaving, and it breaks my heart every time. Next place I move will have to permit pets (before she gets too old as she is already 10), shall miss her terribly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There were a few points I wanted to discuss; about uncertainty and fear, also what brought me back from the dire situation I was in during my late teens and into my twenties, as well as what it is that drives me to constantly be better, and leading an exuberant, truly remarkable life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjm1-rZ6TNic3CZ_Ai7bSUC6nkNN3ck_DZyp7q5mQb4fIQICcEdV3LfX_CQ7pUQX0S_xS14ylzJn7ycd4MkfmVTZQ5rFKcsaNJFr_QyH5ep6_fcUVYqzrfXMUCHu-7N1iKnOS5nLTrWcg/s1600/funny-pictures-scientists-cry-eureka-comic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjm1-rZ6TNic3CZ_Ai7bSUC6nkNN3ck_DZyp7q5mQb4fIQICcEdV3LfX_CQ7pUQX0S_xS14ylzJn7ycd4MkfmVTZQ5rFKcsaNJFr_QyH5ep6_fcUVYqzrfXMUCHu-7N1iKnOS5nLTrWcg/s1600/funny-pictures-scientists-cry-eureka-comic.jpg" height="320" width="227" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is true, scientist or otherwise, but that initial step to wonder, uncovering curiosity by taking the risk to make experiments happen, and to discover their results, takes a huge amount of gumption and courage. The following is an amazing quote that I love:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: orange; font-size: small;">“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” </span></span></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">Along the lines of <i>daring greatly</i>, I've recently been working on this ad nauseam, and one that is extremely challenging:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">"The quality of you life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">-Tony Robbins</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">Regardless, I charge forwards fighting my battles as they arise on this journey I call life. I don't think I can explain or describe in words how scary it is to be in these situations of uncertainty and not knowing. I am afraid, but then again this immense fear is one of the main factors responsible for where I am now and that propels me further. I have large dreams, but my fears are that much bigger.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiukz6xPs5zn1h-OfAQaGRi_aMO9oZ7RkFdbZHa5H70_D8ouBmnTqoB6VsgjeoyMc7Yx6L1Pof3RqFIICYacnr5i18mMRjbq11dWRlnpvzbFvt-TFC_XhAhbm3YmvuML67TqecyxibfVkY/s1600/DSCN0107.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiukz6xPs5zn1h-OfAQaGRi_aMO9oZ7RkFdbZHa5H70_D8ouBmnTqoB6VsgjeoyMc7Yx6L1Pof3RqFIICYacnr5i18mMRjbq11dWRlnpvzbFvt-TFC_XhAhbm3YmvuML67TqecyxibfVkY/s1600/DSCN0107.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">The fears that keep me going? What I fear more than not trying?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666;"><b>-</b>I am more afraid of living with regrets, and the should've/could've/would've/ifs and buts.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #666666;"><b>-</b>I am more afraid of the depths of depression and my experience of hell. (here's a piece I did when I wasn't so well, from over 12 years ago...</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPogHNRQ0uzt5r6ILzag7DbQw3Ugqc-5dWbrzpbNK4nDUvnZMf7n0-V067kXUMkRu-BBswrXkwuiXuc51-Y8ttbUppJLtK7ydPRU8y2LwVJcEXcW0lRXCUjlTQxh8mEyZiuaMDW3dxoPA/s1600/IMG_3536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPogHNRQ0uzt5r6ILzag7DbQw3Ugqc-5dWbrzpbNK4nDUvnZMf7n0-V067kXUMkRu-BBswrXkwuiXuc51-Y8ttbUppJLtK7ydPRU8y2LwVJcEXcW0lRXCUjlTQxh8mEyZiuaMDW3dxoPA/s1600/IMG_3536.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvVXNxkC4-nc58qOOhZ4wBJXl_DdZdVmyGSXzTTjwET3tnPrlR6ELlZ0usZdjuqsy1guxGFXfrHWchrhnSve8J5bYTE1Zkt2VKrSTcVATBNceCUnBpdgaKnsvCUnVYfIiNwuPqVRcyWLE/s1600/IMG_3538.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvVXNxkC4-nc58qOOhZ4wBJXl_DdZdVmyGSXzTTjwET3tnPrlR6ELlZ0usZdjuqsy1guxGFXfrHWchrhnSve8J5bYTE1Zkt2VKrSTcVATBNceCUnBpdgaKnsvCUnVYfIiNwuPqVRcyWLE/s1600/IMG_3538.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">...</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666;">one piece I have never shared publicly, and to this day difficult to look at, but my experience of true hell is even more sinister and darker still, existing on the other side of death).</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;"><b>-</b>I am more afraid of lacking sensations, not feeling, and the inability to think; this happens when you are so starved of nutrition and so far gone in the throws of illness/disorder that you literally lose your mind, and your body starts cannibalising</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666;"> its own organs.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666;"><b>-</b>I am more afraid of inaction, complacence, and mediocrity.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;"><b>-</b>I am more afraid of the unforgiving nature, and inner critic that will haunt my consciousness for being dishonest, inauthentic, and not facing challenges head on.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">Those are a few things I am more afraid of than the fears of <i>daring greatly, </i>and being outside my comfort zones. What are yours? </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPiZ8OP1-DfyVxXfMeIPmC74Lpl5zrCcYuAv83d8QwnsccrYRIObzd2F6GJcex0Ro6TWD1G6iPfrmMZf8ulNvqvMIS23ck6lHaaCX-7OzWE419CHtGaQHPWvn8ChMj0VQCTq2nLO-Ai3I/s1600/+authentic+selves.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPiZ8OP1-DfyVxXfMeIPmC74Lpl5zrCcYuAv83d8QwnsccrYRIObzd2F6GJcex0Ro6TWD1G6iPfrmMZf8ulNvqvMIS23ck6lHaaCX-7OzWE419CHtGaQHPWvn8ChMj0VQCTq2nLO-Ai3I/s1600/+authentic+selves.jpeg" height="320" width="212" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">Along with that, prepare for and put in gut-wrenching hard work; as I was packing up my books, I realised the sheer NUMBER and amount of studying I did in order to get myself better, and the process it took to get my life back. The extent of effort was not of this world! I'm going to have an unconventional library along my new living room wall. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #666666;">Sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves, acknowledge the strides we've made, and the fact that our <i>being</i> is near miraculous. The potential within us all is far greater than we can comprehend. The strength to endure, to get through hellish circumstances and hardships, to succeed in marked progress are deep within us; we just need to promise ourselves to never give up, and keep trying. When in need reach out and ask for help (professional or otherwise), believe in possibilities, and <i>lean on love</i>.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1CWxzESsi-zk5LLhnd6SrdJri6SDclbgkNks9ZkaXtdUS8D7uAo0KVmpPSvAhSnAWfiiXsBmJlcEVg_X2OBceNGzuPhrAzdXASEg9a_UjxPQppr_pWDG3xlArFW54eqdi_xSmXybe8ok/s1600/thor8858.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1CWxzESsi-zk5LLhnd6SrdJri6SDclbgkNks9ZkaXtdUS8D7uAo0KVmpPSvAhSnAWfiiXsBmJlcEVg_X2OBceNGzuPhrAzdXASEg9a_UjxPQppr_pWDG3xlArFW54eqdi_xSmXybe8ok/s1600/thor8858.jpg" height="320" width="261" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">LEAN ON LOVE by Mackenzie Thorpe </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(I'd like to one day own an original of his, images of this piece along with others in a leaflet has hung above my work area since I first encountered them in a Sausalito, CA gallery a decade ago, it has such meaning and significance to me)</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: orange; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BELIEVE. </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">IMAGINE IT. </span></b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>HOLD ONTO YOUR DREAMS.</b> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They do and will come true, I can say this from experience.</span><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-56518154334701303782015-04-13T18:11:00.001-04:002015-04-14T11:06:05.150-04:00Down Memory Lane: Uncovered Notes from a First Love<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As I was sorting out and packing up all of the books for my move, I came across two somewhat neatly folded pieces of notebook paper shoved into the pages; a walk down memory lane, of my first </span><i style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">love</i><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcC4kpx_aMyTKPjBjX2S3qQetNikMD30FWN4QtuC4x6_nKYUz-SJ8z0AHw2SJdNFfIa9qFxgDWWJsHScABzoKc20CwUjs3r3H0Vp8UpJXapLsJrYOVPN9bq2F9Ca5CUSM0F7yEKGZpC3M/s1600/IMG_3031.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcC4kpx_aMyTKPjBjX2S3qQetNikMD30FWN4QtuC4x6_nKYUz-SJ8z0AHw2SJdNFfIa9qFxgDWWJsHScABzoKc20CwUjs3r3H0Vp8UpJXapLsJrYOVPN9bq2F9Ca5CUSM0F7yEKGZpC3M/s1600/IMG_3031.jpg" height="320" width="295" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The sophistication and detail of the letters, of a 6th grader (so around 11/12, although I think he may have been 13) is quite impressive! He must have gotten a lot of his English class writing practice from these notes; I can say this, as I remember he was the most popular boy in the grade, with a black belt in karate too(!), whoa, hahaha (yeah right... in the middle of the cornfields in Indiana, highly unlikely), and a smooth operator with the girls, before he got in with the not-so-great, monster truck loving, pill popping, smoking, high/stoned crowds later on as we became teenagers. I was the new kid on the block, moving in from the suburbs of Detroit MI, I looked different in a predominantly caucasian environment, and from an apparently stable home life (to put the situation into context; the headquarters of the KKK were in the county or township adjacent to ours, and the area was well known for having the earliest and highest percentage of pre-teen/teenage pregnancies, and my hand was one of the only ones in the class raised, as we were asked about parents whom were still together).</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was oblivious to any of the realities of life, I was still a kid who was maybe only beginning to get out of the 'boys have cooties' phase; I remember to this day, as he was 'asking me out' during recess, out on the school field/playground, my response was 'ummm, I'm not sure if I can, I have to ask my mom first, I'll let you know later', and the group of boys and girls stood and stared at me like I was from another planet... I mean how was I supposed to know!? And back then, I used to turn literally bright red in the face when put in embarrassing or 'on the spot' situations, so you could imagine the caliber of red I was turning! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But there is such innocence, and honesty in the letters, it warms your heart, with even a bit of drama, that I find so adorable! </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> I mean you'd be hard pressed to find a man these days putting his whole heart on the line in this manner; well, such is growing up and becoming adults with responsibilities and other aspects to consider. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I do remember the soul crushing heart break I was in after the umpteenth phone conversation when we 'broke up'; I cried, like the little girl that I was. I didn't go out with anyone after that until I was 16 as I focused on my classical ballet career goals, another move back to a completely different environment that was an all girls Catholic private international school in Tokyo; a 180 from the public school system in the county an hour south of Indianapolis.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe this will conjure up your experience of firsts in love, down memory lane.</span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-53968086729436398082015-04-10T23:31:00.000-04:002015-04-10T23:31:26.206-04:00Not Knowing, Holding Patterns and Feeling Perplexed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This year has been one full of transitions, uncertainties, and circumstances that have challenged my patience (I am extremely tolerant, but patient; not so much...), and as I prepare to move to Toronto I am at once excited, apprehensive, and curious. Where to next, life?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BRING IT ON!!! Am all in. Which brings me to another point I've been wondering about recently... I have never done things half way, or 'just cuz', and as I approach a place in my life where I do like the comforts of life, I am faced with a looming 'will I have to back off on an area of passion to compensate for the other as we only have 24 hours a day and 7 days a week' in order to maintain this 'comfort(s) in life'? The Gemini in me stirs as I am faced with limitations; I weigh out the options as I begin scheduling the many meetings that will take place once moved into my new 'home base', from May 1st. Having been cooped up in Detroit suburbia, I am more than ready to be back in the city and continue moving forwards, making things happen. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For me personally, there is significance in</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...wether it be in the arts, mental healthcare, or wherever else.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But there will always be that uncertainty, that fear that creeps back in, or the</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and/or</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAYS</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">by living each and every moment authentically without regrets. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Honestly, right now I am feeling; perplexed~ That's where I'm at, again, a</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">*SMILE*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-M </span></div>
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<br />BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-27745050979411092452015-03-25T07:26:00.000-04:002015-03-25T07:26:04.658-04:00CURATE YOUR OWN TRUTH- SOCIETY'S UNFORTUNATE OBSESSION WITH BODY IMAGE<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I came across this unfortunate article today: </span><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-205285/90-teens-unhappy-body-shape.html" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-205285/90-teens-unhappy-body-shape.html</a><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> which got me thinking about society's epidemic of relentless, subconscious conditioning to pursue the 'ideal' body image.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The article and survey done by BLISS Magazine sites mothers being responsible for guiding their teenagers to being dissatisfied with their body image; in reality, the causation of ones dissatisfaction with body image comes from a multitude of factors. Although I am partial to this survey, overall stats do paint a bleak picture regarding the prevalence of body image obsession in society.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">This article hit home recently being an individual who is in her 30's, recovered for almost a decade from Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa, and facing the truth that is being in her 30's (with a body no longer in her 20's) thinking about future generations and ageing gracefully, all the while shouldering a history with recovery from eating disorders. I find myself having to create my own alternate path that is separate from convention. For example, if I am feeling a bit sluggish and out of shape (hypothetically speaking), a simple statement such as; go join a fitness class or just go to the gym, is actually not that straight forward to someone like myself. 1+1 does not = 2 so to speak. The </span><span style="color: orange;">MOTIVATION</span><span style="color: #666666;"> for such action needs to be taken into consideration, as for us it doesn't just mean 'I feel sluggish, therefor I should go work out', but 'what are my motives for this need to work out, and feeling sluggish', as the motives could be a detriment to our mentalities; such statements as 'I feel fat', or 'I want to look a certain way', 'achieve a certain number', 'burn off calories', are all 'trigger' happy phrases to a person who has had experience with eating disorders, that should not be acted upon as they may escalate further into unhealthy behaviours (especially if your purging behaviour was once over exercising, in this example). This is so difficult to explain as it is such a fine fine balance. I have had to reinvent an ulterior definition of what 'fitness' 'working out' 'health' means to me, regardless of the fact I am recovered, proud of, and am grateful for my body. And to professionals I pose a question as to how you would guide your former RECOVERED eating disorder patients to traverse through the reality that is: society's obsession with body image, and a 'drug/substance' we've no choice but constantly face; in food, in media, in the <i>many stages of life</i>, in indirect messages, and masses? (<i>fine tune all the way?) </i> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">As I go about experiencing life, I am discovering many aspects I am having to redefine and create for myself that oppose societal, stereotypical, or 'usual' </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">ways. To operate on different, often invisible dimensions. Having been touched with mental illness you are made to improvise and invent the ways that work best, at any given time, wherever you are at that moment. It is at times a mind-f***, but one that keeps me on my toes and constantly adapting, flexible to change (which can be a benefit in this unpredictable uncertain journey we call life, as well as an added level of complexity). One thing I do know for certain is how I would go about raising future generations to be best equipped to face the illusory challenges that society presents. If I were to respond to the Bliss article, I'd say '</span><span style="color: orange;">don't keep repeating history, but learn and recreate a better set of standards and practices that positively encourage future generations into healthier well rounded individuals</span><span style="color: #666666;">', also '</span><span style="color: #3d85c6;">to take responsibility for your own shortcomings and deal with them first before/or to not transplant them down generations</span><span style="color: #666666;">', and '</span><span style="color: #6aa84f;">have the courage and awareness to learn, change, and teach healthier patterns for the better</span><span style="color: #666666;">'.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: WE MUST BE OUR OWN BEFORE WE CAN BE ANOTHER'S</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">I am grateful for being. I haven't owned a weighing scale for over ten years (I literally threw the lot out the window), I will never weigh myself, and will probably forever have a habit of getting on the scale at doctors offices <i>backwards</i>. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eating disorders such as Bulimia Nervosa and Anorexia Nervosa are the number one killers amongst psychiatric illnesses; </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">more info at sites such as </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/">http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/</a> <span style="color: #666666;">and support through organisations such as</span> <a href="http://nied.ca/">http://nied.ca</a><span style="color: #666666;"> </span></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For a more comprehensive update on recent biological, scientific research regarding Eating Disorders, see such publications as <a href="http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/issue/S0006-3223(15)X0003-5">http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/issue/S0006-3223(15)X0003-5</a> which will have a whole issue dedicated to Eating Disorders coming in April, as well as major university publications, amongst many others.</span><br />
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-66588082022551779972015-03-16T11:32:00.001-04:002015-03-16T11:39:28.773-04:00DISCIPLINE and MAKING SHIT HAPPEN<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since I have been back in Detroit MI having said my farewells in Tokyo, and the best send off I've ever experienced, here I am, once again putting my mind/nose to the grind.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of my greatest strengths is finding energy, heart, resources, and motivation where none would usually exist. The same determination and discipline that made me walk out of my week long stay in the ICU (forget that the head of psychiatry was a complete jerk), the concentration it takes to overcome the pain of a broken foot while dancing as the lead in Swan Lake (hey the show had to go on), the hell that was, the fight of my life to live again; functioning, thriving, giving back, and embracing the exuberance of life. My decision to move to Tokyo, and having done so, setting up, starting work, within a month of the job offer and interview. Or deciding at age 12 to pursue a career in ballet, and actually doing so, recruited by a company in Tokyo at 16 whilst going to high school. Making my visual art career happen from scratch, when my vehicle for self expression in dancing retired, completely self taught (</span><a href="http://www.marietomeoki.com/" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">http://www.marietomeoki.com</span></a><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">). The same drive that pushed for a business trip from HK-NRT-SF-LAX-YYZ via Denver-back to NRT happen, starting from Art Basel HK, doing artist studio, and gallery visits throughout. And now, I find myself much like a high performance athlete, restructuring my mindset to focus on that which needs progress, yet again. I don't play or sit around, I make things happen in/for my life, unafraid to take calculated risks and achieve what I want and need. I have to admit, I am relentless, and a bit abnormal in that sense...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I gave myself enough time to SLEEP (the dinners, events, parties, get togethers, up to literally the morning of my departure probably resulted in more all-nighters than I had since my high school/university days), returning back to healthy eating patterns (I'm a veggie lover, although I like my lean meats too, lots of fruit, fluids, and detox off all alcohol spare a few sips of wine here or there), quiet time and space to process EVERYTHING in my own way, to remember, to truly embrace memories significant to me, so that they shall remain forever, never forgotten or taken for grated. I gave myself yesterday to grieve, miss, and cry about the temporary losses that come with any move/transition. Halved the already halved dosage of sleepy meds I've been taking at night, put myself on a sleep schedule, with a little help from Clover who lets me know she's hungry and needs walkies:) Jet lag is practically gone.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ready to strategically plan out my next move to Toronto Canada (helps that I know the city somewhat) . Finding a rental property; location/$/variables. Finding work to support living costs. Looking into transferring university credits, and options. Creating social networks from scratch, where I am, now (who is at a completely different place than I was when I left for Tokyo 2 years ago). Setting up medical supports, and plan a course as I see fit with professionals. Those are just the major things, amongst the paperwork, logistics, and everything that needs updating/renewing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And what am I listening to while I go about all this?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN? (Don Juan DeMarco soundtrack version) by Bryan Adams</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONQUEROR by Estelle</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ONLY ONE by Kanye West</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BED OF LIES feat. Skylar Grey by Nicki Minaj</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">POCKET FULL OF DREAMS by Hedley</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'M AN ALBATRAOZ by AronChupa</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I CHOOSE YOU by Sara Bareilles</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE by Sam Smith</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">TOO LONG by Charlie Winston</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">are recent songs... all amongst the other oldie but goodies on my playlists:)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Right now, I'm feeling vulnerable; but strengthened by love and quiet knowing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We'll see where this adventure takes us!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">*SMILE*</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-M </span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-49456877575916164802015-02-25T19:09:00.001-05:002015-02-26T20:10:48.319-05:00Vulnerabilities in Transition, Love, and Life's Journey<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A month shy of the date I chose to move out of Tokyo, I received a 'dream' job offer, as an executive personal assistant to a famous international music producer; I made a bold move and opted to forgo this 'once-in-a-lifetime, out-of-the-blue' opportunity, for reasons that resonated to the depths of who I am, what I stand for and believe.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The week of interviews were agonising as I literally wracked my brain exhausted, thinking and rethinking, reflecting, allowing the thoughts and sensations to wash over me as I went about my days. I wrote more than I did in the last year trying to compile all data to make the best decision possible. I literally laid out my life and future in chronological order and dissected the pros and cons, of all possibilities. Aside from points mentioned in a prior post, my foremost concern is my own health, and to be moving towards the vision I have for my future; health, love, family, professional growth, making a difference, etc.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are fewer times in our lives that expose the soft, mushy, underbellies of our vulnerabilities than in times of transition and/or falling in love. I am not one to shy away from either of the above, and I've experienced some extraordinary things in life that seem to only exist in dreams, but this transition will bring new dimension to facing truths outside of my control leaving me completely exposed; which I've subconsciously feared accepting, as well as life/timing have kept me from facing. The weight and responsibility of/for life is heavy, but all will unfold with careful progress. A kin to falling in love, transitions force us to face that which lay buried deep within, making us reflect on aspects of ourselves that can be unfavourable, unloved, or unresolved. Who am I, where, do I find myself, where is home, where am I going, how do I go about, and deal with the whole, as well as those lives I have touched along the way.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will miss, and be missed; this grieving is inevitable in this journey we call life, but to those who move/have moved often, or have been on the receiving end of saying numerous farewells to those traversing or transiting, believe on some level that anything is possible and challenge is game(!) to further (self)knowledge and perspective. I keep telling myself the world is small, and I've lived a life hopping onto flights as we do subway trains; yet, my heart breaks, tears well up, and I am overcome with </span><i style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">that</i><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> tug within... every time (when we are younger, developmentally speaking, we are the centre of the universe, but as we gain years we naturally begin thinking of others and perceiving from multiple facets; or/well, at least I have), but I go extending love, holding treasured memories of experiences close to my heart, with the sweetest basil scented, pulpes de fruits tasting, send off. (...ok, maybe a few drinks too:)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Recently I've had the wonderful opportunity to get to know, and work with the Producer of Actrs Inc. </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.actrs.co.jp/index.html" style="font-size: small;">http://www.actrs.co.jp/index.html</a><span style="color: #666666;">)</span></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> and Director of Film, Yusuke Hayamizu; who took these still shots, from MY LIFE IN TOKYO. You maybe more familiar with his work for the likes of NHK to Independent Films, and VICE. He was able to capture a more real and vulnerable side of me, compared to the usual 'happy'/'funny' images, and one I'll cherish as I move through yet another transition in life. Forever grateful for the experiences and amazing encounters with such skilled and creative individuals.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The doors will stay open, as I feel Japan isn't done with me just yet, and vice versa. I just have some things to take care of in Canada; my CNS will be on fire~! (grrr.) Along with love, making fun of my own being through humour keeps me positive and brave. I've got the effects of getting off these:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">whilst working full time to earn a living. Withdrawal from pharmaceuticals is no joke and I am sure I will have many sleepless nights on the bathroom floor. Further studies in Clinical Psychology; I shall balance and adjust accordingly. But one thing at a time~</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have never experienced so much love and support from so many people in such a short time frame; my heart overflows with gratitude, moved beyond my capacity to express. Who knows, I may call Tokyo home in the near future; wherever I am, I will be at home and connected internationally. This summer you'll be sure to see me bringin' it to the Greater Toronto Area in my own unique style:) I go forth with a full heart, of love and warmth. If you ever need a great big hug, I am here, so please do come for a visit; I might let you crash on my couch *BIG SMILE*! Embracing vulnerabilities during times of transition and/or in love, we'll see where the journey takes us.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="font-size: x-large;">"Wake butterfly, it's late and we've miles to go together" </i>-Basho</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Joji Shimamoto</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Low res screen grab of photography piece I bought from Bob and Hitoshi at Tobin Ohashi Gallery </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://tobinohashi.com/">http://tobinohashi.com</a></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> to commemorate this milestone in my life (details will be mentioned in a future post regarding the piece). </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Always with Love,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Marie</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span>BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-86039760035790813312015-01-19T04:30:00.002-05:002015-01-19T04:35:26.268-05:00SUCH IS LIFE!!! Another Move, and Life Perspective<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 15 is my move out date. I will probably be out of my apartment by the 10th.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">BLUE SUITCASES by Zoe Leonard, 1961-Ongoing</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last Monday as I returned to work at the new position and company, it was made clear to me that my time in Tokyo has come to an end. Things happen for a reason and are meant to be. I believe it takes more courage to acknowledge realities and decide to leave; emotionally it is excruciating, more so than taking the jump and deciding to return to live in Tokyo. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will probably be a weepy faucet, a happy one, as the time spent in Tokyo has been profoundly life and soul changing. I have never; worked so hard, faced and taken countless challenges and risks, overcome obstacles, learned SO much, grown as a person/woman, truly LIVED, faced so many past demons, felt in danger and scared shitless, caught every cold and flu that was new to my body, met the most genuine and generous individuals, and loved, to the extent I have the last year and a half in Tokyo. If I can just share with you the overwhelmingly full sensation I have in my heart right now; it is unbelievable, and reason for the torrential downpour of happy tears. Thankful, grateful, and appreciative, doesn't even touch the surface of the depths of gratitude for the experiences, and the amazing, gifted, and beautiful individuals I have had the opportunity to encounter and share moments with in our journey.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">HAVING THE APPRENTICE IN THE SUN/AVOIR L'APPRENTI DANS LE SOLEIL by Marcel Duchamps, 1914</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Most do not know my personal past, and the reasons for the enormity and weight of these experiences; I will be writing an autobiography when I am ready, along with other books. </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've probably done my best writing whilst in Tokyo; my past blog posts are full of insight. BUT gosh, how time flies. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Never take life and the moments for granted; it just passes you by, and before you know it, complacency and 'just doing' set in. I encourage each individual to discover, embrace, and satisfy their potential; I live my life by example as truthfully and fully as I can, and hope that it provides proof and inspires others. </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here is the conclusion I have come to:</span></div>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">From the variables present I have my own standards, needs and wants in my life which I believe we all need to carve out a niche for ourselves independent of stereotypes and social expectations. I've always defied convention, and it has been the way forwards for me. What I know are true to me and what I want and need in my life:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-to stay in touch with my empathic sensitive gifts</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-come from a place of love, compassion and truth</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-be in an awesome relationship, being in love</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-a chance to have a family of my own</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-an enriching and mind stimulating career</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Call me gluttonous, but I want it all... especially made obvious to me (being female), in Tokyo, you have to make major compromises; if I wanted to excel in one, something else had to suffer. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Being in corporate, I was in my masculine, totally driven, and controlled, directive oriented, very sharp around the edges, and tough. I looked like a mini-ceo. I liked parts of myself within that role, but began losing that radiance, the essence of who I am; something on a soulful, heartfelt, feminine level, the sensitive connection dimmed. We all need to earn a living to live, but I've been brought up with the values of 身分相応 ('mibunsouo') or living within your means and being grateful for where you're at financially. So capitalistic drive has never been <i>that</i> important to me; I can't take it with me when I die. I just need enough to get by comfortably, and am quite low maintenance and simplistic in that way. I hate "clutter". BUT, what I <i>do</i> know require high maintenance is self awareness, knowledge, the drive to be better, to be the best one can be, and never backing down from life's challenges, your truths, being true to your heart, and self, to grow with and in partnership with whomever I do end up with (to support the others development independently as well as a couple, it is a simultaneous multifaceted evolution forwards), the other values in life that make up the rooted foundations of being. Those aspects of meaning, purpose and value. One's well being and health, life!; ALL IN!!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">STEP UP by Stephen Felton, 2014</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Utilising all of my skills and experiences to my advantage I have decided to go after my purpose/calling in clinical psychology. I figure if I have qualifications to go forth in a career of private clinical practice, I can/will have my own business, work from wherever (like a home office), as well as be in a solid relationship, have the opportunity to have kids, and be able to have time and space for a family whilst my brain being intellectually stimulated professionally. The world is a small yet vast place; I will also remain forever international.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">MAPPA by Alighiero Boetti, 1983 (upcoming Sothey's Contemporary Evening Auction in February, London) </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is where my head and heart are at: this day and age, at this point in my life, at 32, being a woman. Everyone has their own life path and choices to traverse respectively; this is just mine, and everyone's journey is one of unique and special significance, not to be compared.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But funny how we grow into our being; I never thought I would be the domestically inclined, nor did I believe I ever wanted to get married (I was on the fence for many years disputing and debating the institution of being wed), and marriage is still to this day, like a unicorn to me; I think I'd be speechless and dumbfounded if anyone got on one knee... LOL, who knows, maybe one day, and similarly in regards to kids. I mean I was the one who's first drawing was of Blue Three (I think its the same as a Blue Power Ranger), as I wanted to be him when I grew up~ And now, I am here... I guess such is life! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span>BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-86038567598697994342014-12-29T13:06:00.000-05:002014-12-29T13:08:47.519-05:00Gut Instinct in the New Year<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How many of us are going about our days without awareness or connection to our ultimate truth? What then to follow when our gut contradicts truths in reality? Is our ultimate truth, the same as gut instinct? I believe it is a balance of all factors taken into consideration; it doesn't make it any simpler, but a necessity whilst making major life decisions.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>get in there!!! </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I don't know why but this piece by Lucio Fontana hit home.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My gut instinct, accurate as a sharp shooter, (spot on!), has faltered less than that can be counted on one hand; but HAS faltered. Probability is low, but I am always cautious, as I need empirical evidence, proof, results that back up notions not ground on "solid foundations". </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How much of our gut instinct is trustworthy? Are you loyal to your gut intuition?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">A favourite of mine. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">SOLITUDE, 1890, Oil on Canvas</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Jean-Leon Gerome (1824-1904)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The year is coming to an end; another NEW BEGINNING!!! This year has been one in which I felt I LIVED a good fight, adventuring and discovering crevices and unknown territories. With such exploration comes self doubt, insecurity, more challenges, and pushing the boundaries of who I thought I was and knew. I am consistently surprised with my own capacity for growth and unyielding hope and belief in this process called life. Grateful for every moment I am alive, exuberant re: Being; the promise I made myself many years ago, unwavering, I will keep pushing for better, for the best, quality over quantity, coming from a place of love/care/compassion, pure honesty of heart and soul, the ultimate life experience.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">ok, these two are actually not as fitting as they are of states of anxiety, and not the happiest of times for the artist: details from </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">THE SUICIDE OF MR. H., 1961, Oil on canvas</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Asher Jorn (1914-1973)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">maybe her expression is more fitting, although her state of euphoria comes across as a bit creepy to me... or is that just me?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is my truth, my life; I hope to be able to uniquely touch every encounter and share in this journey we call life.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Following my gut; I shall stay in Tokyo for the time being, something is keeping me here and I'd like to see it through. I begin a new position after I return from my holidays in Detroit with family. Time here has been one of deep contemplation, reflection, and acknowledgement. The day I cease to learn and grow will be the day I pass on.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Never give up. Believe in love. Look after your health and well being. Live completely and fully without regrets. I trust in myself to follow suit. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wishing everyone an exuberant New 2015 Year!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">*BIG SMILE and HUGS*</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Marie </span><br />
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8273961452468166691.post-6586458053711564572014-11-30T09:21:00.001-05:002014-11-30T09:21:12.626-05:00WORTH CLOSURE NEW CHAPTER<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This has been swimming around for the past month, popping up in all areas; self, career, relationships, society, Japan as a nation, etc...</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Words are not flowing as readily right now as there is too much of everything processing through me; a jumbled traffic jam of letters and words, of images, and sensations... my lack of self expression scares me, as these outlets are a necessity for me to stay afloat; wether writing/painting/dancing... but there seems to be a shift happening in my being; I seem to be more private, keeping my experiences close to my heart, truly being present and embracing the personal moments. Or maybe this is just quiet prep time for the next big challenge(s) I partake.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I feel a huge cloud looming ahead; I know what I need to face, but it really is 'that' scary to me. So simple and without a second thought to most, for me mired in scars and hurt, that induce extreme anxiety. I know that my mind body and soul are trying desperately in any way shape and form to try to avoid and detour; but the only way, is through the muddy stormy scary mess. One step at a time, is all I can do, slowly does it... I know my goals and anyone knows my determination ever wavers.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The above exhibit gave me the closure I needed to make a decision: it holds a very close and personal place in my heart. Thank you Amy. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Exhibit info: </span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://projekctsbyprojects.com/en/">http://projekctsbyprojects.com/en/</a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">End of February, I plan on leaving Tokyo. It's taken a lot to be able to let it go; but I need to face my truths, get up the courage to move forwards and keep growing and improving as an individual, and for greater good there after. Never becoming complacent. Maybe along the way I'll find love; lead/follow/walk next to each other wherever life may meander ~. Shall be back in the city of English:French, double doubles, and loonies. Another MAJOR lifestyle change. Gives me a headache just thinking about it at the moment... more like a puddle of tears; its going to be a grieving process. Next. Moving on. Life continues. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Until then I will be working on a few projects, collaborating street artists (Eine, Cleon Peterson, etc.) and companies/brands (Diesel, etc.) in Tokyo.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Am done for the day, emotionally shattered, exhausted.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thank you for listening.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">M</span></div>
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BeingMarieThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18440058212030142339noreply@blogger.com0