Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Unconventional Path

I need to de-clutter my mind before I do more writing for work, if you don't like reading a bit of ramble, you might want to leave now, although there maybe some pearls of wisdom in some of my thoughts and experiences you can relate.

How do you handle transitions in life?  

Realization #1, I know when I am ready for any huge transition in life, and I do so accordingly, BUT as I move and take on new challenges, take risks, try to smoothly incorporate into my new lifestyle with the many hurdles that come with change, I become vulnerable and there in lies my weakness.  
Stress, being tired, forgetting to take meds in the AM (as the ones I take at night can have a temporary amnesic side effect), and working too hard puts me on auto pilot, making me less grounded.  I HATE this ungrounded feeling as it makes me not my usual self; I get more emotional, come across needy, unsure, doubtful, and insecure.  I just end up doing and going and feeling, a blurry thing, whereafter my brain catches up and tries to rationalize.  When rationalizing and owning the experience, I often kick my self and second guess my actions (as I'm already feeling a bit vulnerable).  

Realization #2, during these times, I'm usually the last one to notice that I need my own space and time, to work through it and gain firm footing.  But after making mistakes, trial and error, and making a huge fool out of myself, I learn FAST and CHANGE the ways in which are unhealthy.  I do come out stronger and that much wiser for the unfortunate/fortunate circumstances.  Those whom I come in contact at these moments I truly feel for, as they've just encountered me dealing with my own 'scrap' (fight between, transitions, emotion, thought, life).  IF they stick around, they've experienced the worst of me and I will be forever grateful and respect their understanding, heart and broadmindedness.  I acknowledge my imperfections and am always trying to improve upon shortcomings.

Realization #3, I tend to do things double time, and in a much more unconventional and large capacity.  I probably go through what one individual goes through within the 2 years in 2 months (yup, it's only been 2 months since I started working in Tokyo).  This is the story of my life, I am unexpected and unconventional (imagine my parent's faces, every time, 'here we go again', LOL).  I've come to terms with the fact that balance is hard to come by, and I'd rather have the FULL life experience, nothing less.
Sonic the Hedgehog... 

Realization #4, I am far more capable than I allow myself to admit.  Discipline, determination, hard work, standards, expectations, I've mastered and have been ingrained in me since I could remember.  BUT positive encouragement, support, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, and acknowledgement to the SELF have always been a challenge, although I've come such a long way from the years I lived without hope, looked only to death for solutions, and strived for unattainable and irrational perfection.  When I think of those times, I know and believe from the bottom of my heart that anything/one is possible and capable of change.  I'm actually not much of an optimist, I am optimistic, but I come from a very scientific, research, and analytical place of reason and proof, where aspects are constantly challenged, tried, tested, and resolved.  

Realization #5, I'm far more driven and independent than I imagined.  There are some solid goals I 'will' reach.  I have direction and vision, also dream colorfully big.

Realization #6, I don't hold back, and although I may make a fool of myself, I make mistakes, fuck up extravagantly, I take responsibility for them, and learn, BUT I NEVER HAVE REGRETS (my grandfather's motto was to live without regrets).  Throw all the cards out on the table, see where they fall, deal with it honestly and completely.  Don't get me wrong, I still get heart ache, and 'duh, what the fuck was I thinking' thoughts, and 'I really messed up this time', but these drive me to be better, and more equipped in the future.  Everyone deserves second chances.
Human, yes.  Life, yes.  An adventure, yes.  Make mistakes, yes.  Learn, YES.  Try, always.  Imperfect, definitely!  IM OKAY WITH IT (^_^), yes.  Do I fear death, no.  Anything is possible.  


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