Sunday, April 13, 2014

What the FuDgE!?

I thought the above was so fitting, I had to share.  

Where to begin in todays post; there are so many things I've got going on within it is difficult to sort and make sense of it all.  I find I dissociate at times, for lack of better expression, from vulnerabilities.  I think it is a self protective mechanism that kicks in, or I am afraid I may cease to function somehow... as if the enormity of reality and emotion may swallow me whole.  

I come across as completely straight laced and in keeping with society, but I am highly unconventional; my journey, my reality, my inner workings.  I hardly understand it at times, and I can't even begin to put it into words, but I also have the added benefits of what any usual 31 year old would naturally ponder... although with a few other concerns, things needing research, and generally difficult things I have to face.  I hate complications, but I am a complicated individual with so many layers and dark depths, as are everyone else on the planet (in varying degrees):)  

This piece is symbolic of my dark past.  Image taken in 2005, created even earlier.

HOPE FLOATS, this is my favourite piece out of everything I've created; when you see it in person you can really see all the textures, the layers, the colours that change depending on light and angle viewed, mixed media and hidden elements like the naked female form (which this image does no justice).  It is symbolic of where I was at when I created it as well as many aspects of life and being.  

I think my vulnerability makes me relatable and human; I get afraid that this detached, composed state which I find myself, in Tokyo, becoming the norm.  I don't want that, as the complexities and imperfections are what make my identity, and being.  It's such a fine balance.  

But IDENTITY in a society that embraces the value of the group, or collective.  Standing out, you'll get nailed back down; an aspect of Japanese society I detest, and don't support (although I completely understand the rationale and historical resonance, re: significant post regarding Japan here, I'm just not made to 'fit in', and who is?  I go against the flow regardless of how I appear.  Hey, on the upside, I NEVER get boring, and always have surprises... that's the only way I've found to advance and improve upon status quo or complacence; challenges and taking risks.

CHANgE iUP aLITtLe!!! 

So, I've got a lot on my mind and feeeeelings; sorry guys who shy away from them; am passionate and I've got 'em!  And I believe, and I need to constantly work on:

Despite the difficult realities I need to face (which I don't think I will divulge publicly), @ 31 or any age for that matter, I'm glad to exist and have survived all that I have been through in my past, and will survive regardless of anything life throws my way.  

For some reason this makes me think of what my Mum said once; whoever gets me or can stand my unconventional brain, will 'get' my whole HEART, infinite compassion and love.  Thanks Mom... LOL!  Hahaha~  Love it!!!  Gosh, I miss family here in Tokyo...      

A little disjointed, maybe, but I felt the need to express myself in writing.  

Your human with big heart,