BLUE SUITCASES by Zoe Leonard, 1961-Ongoing
Last Monday as I returned to work at the new position and company, it was made clear to me that my time in Tokyo has come to an end. Things happen for a reason and are meant to be. I believe it takes more courage to acknowledge realities and decide to leave; emotionally it is excruciating, more so than taking the jump and deciding to return to live in Tokyo.
I will probably be a weepy faucet, a happy one, as the time spent in Tokyo has been profoundly life and soul changing. I have never; worked so hard, faced and taken countless challenges and risks, overcome obstacles, learned SO much, grown as a person/woman, truly LIVED, faced so many past demons, felt in danger and scared shitless, caught every cold and flu that was new to my body, met the most genuine and generous individuals, and loved, to the extent I have the last year and a half in Tokyo. If I can just share with you the overwhelmingly full sensation I have in my heart right now; it is unbelievable, and reason for the torrential downpour of happy tears. Thankful, grateful, and appreciative, doesn't even touch the surface of the depths of gratitude for the experiences, and the amazing, gifted, and beautiful individuals I have had the opportunity to encounter and share moments with in our journey.
HAVING THE APPRENTICE IN THE SUN/AVOIR L'APPRENTI DANS LE SOLEIL by Marcel Duchamps, 1914
Most do not know my personal past, and the reasons for the enormity and weight of these experiences; I will be writing an autobiography when I am ready, along with other books. I've probably done my best writing whilst in Tokyo; my past blog posts are full of insight. BUT gosh, how time flies.
Never take life and the moments for granted; it just passes you by, and before you know it, complacency and 'just doing' set in. I encourage each individual to discover, embrace, and satisfy their potential; I live my life by example as truthfully and fully as I can, and hope that it provides proof and inspires others.
Here is the conclusion I have come to:From the variables present I have my own standards, needs and wants in my life which I believe we all need to carve out a niche for ourselves independent of stereotypes and social expectations. I've always defied convention, and it has been the way forwards for me. What I know are true to me and what I want and need in my life:
-the ultimate life experience, nothing less than
-to stay in touch with my empathic sensitive gifts
-come from a place of love, compassion and truth
-be in an awesome relationship, being in love
-a chance to have a family of my own
-an enriching and mind stimulating career
Call me gluttonous, but I want it all... especially made obvious to me (being female), in Tokyo, you have to make major compromises; if I wanted to excel in one, something else had to suffer.
Being in corporate, I was in my masculine, totally driven, and controlled, directive oriented, very sharp around the edges, and tough. I looked like a mini-ceo. I liked parts of myself within that role, but began losing that radiance, the essence of who I am; something on a soulful, heartfelt, feminine level, the sensitive connection dimmed. We all need to earn a living to live, but I've been brought up with the values of 身分相応 ('mibunsouo') or living within your means and being grateful for where you're at financially. So capitalistic drive has never been that important to me; I can't take it with me when I die. I just need enough to get by comfortably, and am quite low maintenance and simplistic in that way. I hate "clutter". BUT, what I do know require high maintenance is self awareness, knowledge, the drive to be better, to be the best one can be, and never backing down from life's challenges, your truths, being true to your heart, and self, to grow with and in partnership with whomever I do end up with (to support the others development independently as well as a couple, it is a simultaneous multifaceted evolution forwards), the other values in life that make up the rooted foundations of being. Those aspects of meaning, purpose and value. One's well being and health, life!; ALL IN!!!
STEP UP by Stephen Felton, 2014
Utilising all of my skills and experiences to my advantage I have decided to go after my purpose/calling in clinical psychology. I figure if I have qualifications to go forth in a career of private clinical practice, I can/will have my own business, work from wherever (like a home office), as well as be in a solid relationship, have the opportunity to have kids, and be able to have time and space for a family whilst my brain being intellectually stimulated professionally. The world is a small yet vast place; I will also remain forever international.
MAPPA by Alighiero Boetti, 1983 (upcoming Sothey's Contemporary Evening Auction in February, London)
This is where my head and heart are at: this day and age, at this point in my life, at 32, being a woman. Everyone has their own life path and choices to traverse respectively; this is just mine, and everyone's journey is one of unique and special significance, not to be compared.
But funny how we grow into our being; I never thought I would be the domestically inclined, nor did I believe I ever wanted to get married (I was on the fence for many years disputing and debating the institution of being wed), and marriage is still to this day, like a unicorn to me; I think I'd be speechless and dumbfounded if anyone got on one knee... LOL, who knows, maybe one day, and similarly in regards to kids. I mean I was the one who's first drawing was of Blue Three (I think its the same as a Blue Power Ranger), as I wanted to be him when I grew up~ And now, I am here... I guess such is life!