Saturday, October 18, 2014

Market Research for Life's Purpose

I realise this is a crappy pattern where over exertion and stress turn into lowered immune system and I end up with a cold; and when this happens my white blood cell count must hit a low as I get really under the weather.  So I just took care of myself today, resting, as last night I attended an exhibit opening and had to leave less than 10 mins after arriving as I just felt too ill.  

Am literally doing the best and most I can to gain as much insight and knowledge as I possibly can for the next stage in my life.  Market research for my life's purpose, with a super tight deadline and budget with full awareness of the bottom line.  I take all elements and let them process within.  You speak to your most trusted supports and advisors.  Come up with and re strategise over and over again.  Never stop.

findings on boards from last year on one of the projects

Yes, I am a bit extreme; if you saw my calendar this week, well, nothing I do is mediocre, driven by some super human discipline and determination that even I can't explain.  The same motivation used with everything else in my life.  (I'm ALIVE aren't I!?  Proof enough.)  This too will be a milestone to make me challenge status quo (whatever that is in my life).  Nothing is half hearted, am all in; haha, such metaphor... my relationships of past are both long term, 7 years and 5 years, with a bunch of non serious fun dating in between...  You take everything into consideration, make a decision, commit, and make the best and most of the journey.  Regardless of fears, uncertainties, or possible quibbles, as you trust yourself, that you'll have your own back, no matter what, and everything will in the end be okay.  It could be mind blowing-ly fabulous, you never know!  Worth it?  Yes.  Scared?  Utterly shitless yeah.  Doing it anyways, hell yes.  And from the purest, most honest and genuine compassion of my soul, forever gratefully so~

So my next step you ask?  Am getting close to a firm decision; most probably a career and path I set out for and planned over 10 years ago (same reason I moved into my College Park condo in downtown Toronto to be closer to Ryerson University, but never followed up on as I came across a path of visual arts/artist career instead).  Life's adventures!!!   You never know.  It has certainly been a ride:)!  Just need to work out the logistics/#s of everything.  Not many people get a chance to re-do things in life...  just a super condensed intense version this time.  But I know what I want and need to do.  This is my purpose.  But I never exclude options and/or the unpredictable possibilities of life.

my place on Bay and College, Toronto at College Park condos

Just came across this song the other day, I thought it was fitting:

I often get asked, how have you/do you make connections with so many people within such a short period of time?  Simply put; get up the nerve and guts, take a risk, reach out, and show up, communicate, speak your truth.  Be ok attending events alone, be ok with yourself, put pride/ego/looks on the back burner, you just do it.  Be a bit of an artist; might mean going outside the rules.  This is coming from someone who used to be extremely agoraphobic with anxiety through the roof - so bad I couldn't get out of the house for days at a time at one point!  That's right, and thats only one sliver of all the other obstacles I've had to contend with, its been a whole lot of hard work; worked my butt off to be where I am today, and am proud of it.  Anything is possible. 


Sunday, October 5, 2014

Tools for Self Discovery: the Edward Scissor Hands of COLLAGE

The last week has been one of deep contemplation; of the proverbial fork in the road (ANOTHER ONE!  What is this year!?), authentic truths, rediscovering my life's purpose, and what it is that makes me come alive from within.  (note: see happenings from last blog post:

If you are in a similar situation, you may want to check out:

I glanced up at the collage that sits above my desk (this thing goes with me wherever I move).  It may or may not have one of my past suicide attempt plans beneath all the layers (no worries, not from recently, but before I began my art practice), which has been scraped back and over it signed my name in iridescent white, which is completely obscure due to the other layers, but its there none the less.  You won't be able to see the tiny text from these pictures but they are there and the collage wraps around the sides and onto the back (on birch wood board).    
Put simply; it's me.  
The rest is a bulletin board against a wall, with a bunch of things that I have connected and collected over the years.  

I suggest doing something similar if you feel stuck, or lost unable to find your universal truths: especially great for adolescents, or young adults.  There is something about ripping apart magazine images and messages (conceptually it is an interesting act of destroying the marketing and stereotyping, the ideal that media and society puts forth, and are forced to consume, faced daily) and making them your own, creating encouraging positive self, life affirming ones.  

-gather left over, old, read magazines, put them in a huge pile.
-get scissors or xacto knife.
-I blast music through my headphones.
-start flipping through the magazines without a care or thought in the world, and whatever word or phrase pops out at you; cut out (or in my case, depending I tare/rip out).  You gotta get messy with it, akin to free association writing, this is free association paper shredding whist exploring and discovering, then collaging the hell out of it.  
-might want to have a big garbage bag next to you, as no matter what it will get messy.
-put all the cut out words/images on the side.
-keep going through those magazines until, well, you will know when.
-look through the ones you cut out and just decide which ones identify most closely with your state of being.  
-I make a few different piles to organise and see more clearly.
-take whatever surface you've chosen, and do what feels right inside; cut the pieces neatly, keep the uneven edges, chop off the heads of models (anything goes!), create acrylic transfers (if you're into that), and/or whatever suits your fancy!
-stick onto said surface.  And don't think about the right or wrong position; you just 'do', start sticking!  
-you begin to see words that relate, connect to each other, make meaning, create some structure, and pattern.  The cut out images start slotting into place easier, and it begins to become a bit more cohesive.
-I don't care if it looks like shit, its supposed to; we are multi faceted individuals, and our emotions, psychological and physical states are messy, complex, hard to decipher.  

Take a step back and look at it, just observe, and acknowledge it.  No need to accept, refute, dissect, argue, reason, make sense, or criticise; just look at it, and put it aside.  I've thrown many out right after I finished in the past, only to fish out later on in the day to revisit, etc.

Let me know if you ever try it out and how it went for you:)

Umm, got sidetracked, shall write about my discoveries with the fork in the road, and my insights next...