Sunday, September 28, 2014

A Crazy Week...

I have not posted in a while, and there have been many reasons for this.  But I write today to bounce thoughts around as this is one of those weeks that makes me reassess and genuinely reflect on my life's path.

Please excuse typos as I have been waking up at 4am every morning, due to an overactive mind, and multiple accumulated jet lag(s).

Where's my head at?  

-What is my true purpose; calling in life?  I've gotta believe there is reason and meaning in aspects that occur, the journey we traverse, and those which made us more evolved and better equipped for what is positioning itself in the wings of our proscenium stages.  

-I need to find a new job by the end of October: there are many who will see this as a death sentence, but for me a perfect opportunity to jump forwards and excel in the next phase of my life.  An environment that fosters complacence was never a place for me, so naturally a shake up was in the universe's plans.  (although it never makes life any easier).  

-I believe deep down in my soul and heart of hearts what I am capable of and my true calling, BUT I will admit it goes against all convention and what others advise is the safe route to take.  I am also scared shitless as I don't know everything, and am a constant student of life.  

-What comes first, passion/love/interest or money?  Ultimately both would be nice, but I've always believed the former comes before the material (although you definitely need something for overheads, everyday life, etc).  What do you think?

-I am having a tug of war within: my artist self vs. the self that has experienced the corporate world: I am both and everything in between, I expect more and want more from myself in addition.  

-I am afraid of not knowing, and uncertainty, and other qualms, but what I know is that I have survived this far, from a place of complete hopelessness, and blackness of death.  I will never know, and uncertainty abounds throughout life; so all I can do is accept and embrace it, make the most of what is my life (the shit, ugly, dreadful to the good, beautiful, breathtakingly delightful).

-(huh, just entered my mind); a few months back at an event I was sitting next to this elderly man, and he spoke of how women don't ever enjoy sex... and I was like huh!?  The other two women listening just nodded and giggled agreeably...  I completely threw this guy off as I was adamant that; what is life without such a beautiful and ultimate form of self expression and aliveness (c'mon I'm a former ballet dancer and artist through and through)!?  And no I will not accept that statement.  This is as naked a form of self as you can get, and you're to tell me that even then you are blinded by who knows what!!!  NO!  And who is he to believe that all women do not enjoy it!?  This just pissed me off, and proved how twisted mentalities can be; or just different lives lived and experienced but whoa I startled him when I spoke my truth.  I don't think many/any Japanese women ever challenged his way of thinking...  so I totally got off topic, but this was bothering me!  And it sort of goes along with the lines of being true to yourself and embracing your authentic expression, and not ever dimming your stance, and glow!  

-This too shall pass, and I will be stronger and learn from hardships.  Damn its freakin hard though!!!!!!!!  Not only losing a job but also being rejected by one of the most well known companies world wide (after being recruited by them) within three days of returning from my business trip from Chicago; it feels like SHIT!  I FEEL LIKE SHIT, I said it, this is truth, and most of my life is outside of social media sharing!  It never tells the full truth.  GRrrrrrrrrr!!!  

I will probably regret this post after I let it go live, but LIFE HAPPENS!  FUDGE!  BUT better things in the wings... I can only believe in possibilities.  

Seeing the sunshine and bright side of adversity, to me is

Every hardship is a chance to grow and become more than you thought possible; through challenge we discover parts of ourselves that keeps us thriving and happy to be alive!