Sunday, February 16, 2014

Truth, and Being Real

Much of the modern world is full of misconceptions, far from reality as they truly are.  The most mundane, or negative aspects of our lives are usually not shared on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, which give an impression that your life is just OUT OF THIS WORLD!  ALL THE TIME!!!  On the flip side, if you post negative things, you get labeled as being a sympathy monger wanting attention.  So what is real in this world and what is not, and how can we decipher the over information?  This phenomenon in modern day society is such a shame; as REAL LIFE are a range of poles. 
There are those that stick by the notion that surrounding yourself with positive people are the way to go, where as others practice stepping on those who are less fortunate to get ahead.  I’m in the headspace of being honest to you and of sound self-image to not waver due to external noise (*although sometimes its not the external things that need battling). 
For me therein lies the problem; I can not be anything but honest to myself and others, BUT being in a city such as Tokyo that literally doesn’t sleep, with hectic work schedules, so many people to see, places to go and everyday life demands, I often find my brain running waaay ahead, on multiple levels and directions, at a pace I can not keep up, working overtime (has nothing to do with professional life at work) and unable to shut off.  Other than completely disconnecting and traveling to far away places, or staying focused on a regimented task at hand I haven’t figured a way to quiet the mind.  This creates a bit of a discrepancy or lag between thought and emotion, the later that requires quiet, time, space, peace and ease to reflect and come to terms with the events of life. 
Coming back to Tokyo I’ve been extremely careful and cautious about well being and my mental health; with my history it is critical and most important for me to be disciplined and on top of everything, which can be a pain in the arse but a necessity.  I HATE to admit this but I can be fragile.  I still push myself but not as recklessly as I used to.  Reckless doesn’t equal fun, surprising, or attractive in my opinion; it only brings to light how much you value yourself and life; similarly to those who like putting others down to feel better about themselves; revealing an insecurity or lack of self-respect and value. 
What are the non negotiable(s) that you identify with in your life?  Such as sleep, meals, creative outlet, intellectual stimulation, family, travel, nature, music, freedom, dancing, sunshine…?

I’m not going to lie, my strengths have been challenged time and time again here, but this week in particular, I’m struggling to keep past eating disordered noise at a safe distance, which in turn can have a knock-on effect with major depressive disorder or anxiety disorder.  It scares me, and I usually don’t share weaknesses, but this is an honest journey of someone who lives with mental illnesses.  Knowing me in person it’s probably the last thing anyone would imagine; mental illness does not discriminate, nor does it make anyone less than; hand in hand with other medical conditions, a biological misfiring/imbalance of brain chemistry.  I am scrambling to get to the bottom of the reasons that are triggering these thoughts (I do everything I know how, that have worked for me in the past, and literally get every strategy out of my ‘tool box’)...  I don’t expect anyone to understand, that’s my job.  Life keeps moving onNo bullshit. It just is.    


  1. Thanks for sharing, and please continue the fight to be strong. I think it's good that you are in touch with these concerns. Most people tend to store these thoughts away only to have them echo in distortion in their minds. Keeping an honest account of what you're going through can only help. Just hang in there. We're all rooting for you!

    1. I'm hanging in there, and never give up; am taking steps to get centred again. Thank you so much, your support means the world to me, and I truly appreciate it.

  2. As someone who also struggles with depression/anxiety, I'll be praying for you [:

    1. Thank you Avery. I get back up and never stop trying to be better;) I truly appreciate it. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself too;)