The week of interviews were agonising as I literally wracked my brain exhausted, thinking and rethinking, reflecting, allowing the thoughts and sensations to wash over me as I went about my days. I wrote more than I did in the last year trying to compile all data to make the best decision possible. I literally laid out my life and future in chronological order and dissected the pros and cons, of all possibilities. Aside from points mentioned in a prior post, my foremost concern is my own health, and to be moving towards the vision I have for my future; health, love, family, professional growth, making a difference, etc.
There are fewer times in our lives that expose the soft, mushy, underbellies of our vulnerabilities than in times of transition and/or falling in love. I am not one to shy away from either of the above, and I've experienced some extraordinary things in life that seem to only exist in dreams, but this transition will bring new dimension to facing truths outside of my control leaving me completely exposed; which I've subconsciously feared accepting, as well as life/timing have kept me from facing. The weight and responsibility of/for life is heavy, but all will unfold with careful progress. A kin to falling in love, transitions force us to face that which lay buried deep within, making us reflect on aspects of ourselves that can be unfavourable, unloved, or unresolved. Who am I, where, do I find myself, where is home, where am I going, how do I go about, and deal with the whole, as well as those lives I have touched along the way.
I will miss, and be missed; this grieving is inevitable in this journey we call life, but to those who move/have moved often, or have been on the receiving end of saying numerous farewells to those traversing or transiting, believe on some level that anything is possible and challenge is game(!) to further (self)knowledge and perspective. I keep telling myself the world is small, and I've lived a life hopping onto flights as we do subway trains; yet, my heart breaks, tears well up, and I am overcome with that tug within... every time (when we are younger, developmentally speaking, we are the centre of the universe, but as we gain years we naturally begin thinking of others and perceiving from multiple facets; or/well, at least I have), but I go extending love, holding treasured memories of experiences close to my heart, with the sweetest basil scented, pulpes de fruits tasting, send off. (...ok, maybe a few drinks too:)
Recently I've had the wonderful opportunity to get to know, and work with the Producer of Actrs Inc. (http://www.actrs.co.jp/index.html) and Director of Film, Yusuke Hayamizu; who took these still shots, from MY LIFE IN TOKYO. You maybe more familiar with his work for the likes of NHK to Independent Films, and VICE. He was able to capture a more real and vulnerable side of me, compared to the usual 'happy'/'funny' images, and one I'll cherish as I move through yet another transition in life. Forever grateful for the experiences and amazing encounters with such skilled and creative individuals.
The doors will stay open, as I feel Japan isn't done with me just yet, and vice versa. I just have some things to take care of in Canada; my CNS will be on fire~! (grrr.) Along with love, making fun of my own being through humour keeps me positive and brave. I've got the effects of getting off these:
(I just took this on my iphone)
whilst working full time to earn a living. Withdrawal from pharmaceuticals is no joke and I am sure I will have many sleepless nights on the bathroom floor. Further studies in Clinical Psychology; I shall balance and adjust accordingly. But one thing at a time~
I have never experienced so much love and support from so many people in such a short time frame; my heart overflows with gratitude, moved beyond my capacity to express. Who knows, I may call Tokyo home in the near future; wherever I am, I will be at home and connected internationally. This summer you'll be sure to see me bringin' it to the Greater Toronto Area in my own unique style:) I go forth with a full heart, of love and warmth. If you ever need a great big hug, I am here, so please do come for a visit; I might let you crash on my couch *BIG SMILE*! Embracing vulnerabilities during times of transition and/or in love, we'll see where the journey takes us.
"Wake butterfly, it's late and we've miles to go together" -Basho
Low res screen grab of photography piece I bought from Bob and Hitoshi at Tobin Ohashi Gallery http://tobinohashi.com to commemorate this milestone in my life (details will be mentioned in a future post regarding the piece).
Always with Love,