Wednesday, May 13, 2015

In The Murky Waters of Transition

The view outside my balcony in my new Toronto place, with the sunshine peaking through downtown's forest of buildings, I hear a sparrow singing its heart out; he has a family under the rafters to protect.  There is life in every corner, even amongst concrete, I find fascinating and warms my heart.  

With transitions comes trying to grab onto anything that feels substantial/solid/trustworthy, where murky waters make visibility low.  You'd think that after a lifetime of moving and transitions that one would start getting used to the process; this isn't so, and the day I do I will be a lesser being.  The more meaning, connection, dedication, and loyalty you create, the harder the separation and longer the grieving process.  Last time I left Toronto, I not only left the city, but also a relationship of 5 years. Now I'm back in Toronto where I left the city and all that was; my ex now in a different country, both in a completely different place in our lives than before; new mindsets, perceptions, more scars, and notches on the belt buckle of life.  I am glad and proud of being on my own and having traversed the path I have chosen for myself; no regrets, but one not without struggles and a lot of heart ache.  That's the thing; the bigger the risks, and decisions, the greater the loss, consequences, the emotions and sensations that ripple.    

Where am I now?  What does Toronto mean to me, at this point in my life?  I sit here in a unit on the top floor of this older intimate building, where the ceiling height makes me feel a bit small, but I've designed the interiors to have a cozy homey familiarity, with reused furniture from my old studio, with paint splatters all over, and that I had replaced with smooth natural stone handles (I only bought new bookshelves and a couch as the ones I did own lasted way beyond their investment; over ten years of early IKEA furniture, YUP, FOR SURE!); but like my works of art, my space is full of texture, layers, and so much meaning in every piece/object.  There is a reason it is there, a story that goes along, with a special place in my memory and heart.  So yes, there is soul, wherever I go and whatever I touch.

Looking in on the present, and forward, I still can not shake those I miss, the pangs of sadness that remain in the moments of stillness, along with the beautiful sweet aftertaste, that is the gratitude someone/something/someplace worth missing exists.  

What do you have in store for me this time around Toronto?  I will make the most of it, in my own time, at my own pace, in my unconventional and unique ways.  I do appreciate all facets of life; ecstatic, good, bad, and/or downright ugly.  What a breadth of experience and adventure; curious of the countless possibilities.

As I returned from a meeting today, there sat a gurney and body bag; apparently someone on my floor passed away.  *Life* is happening all around, even in death.


Grateful, and contemplative, I. am. here.  




  1. Great post, Marie. The adventure is only an adventure if you open mind and feelings so to embrace the change. I hope you have that wicked adventure in T.O. Plus, you move back at a great time. The Pan-Am Games will bring a real excitement to the summer months.

    The gurney in the morning is quite a welcoming mat, isn't it. I too once woke up to a bright and sunny spring day in a similar way. The squelch of police radios and a coroner's van and gurney certainly makes you think

    1. Thank you!!! So glad you liked it. I have heard quite a lot about what is to come in the Pan-Am games this summer; it will be a busy and happening city:) I am definitely being challenged with the issue of uncertainty; I don't do too well with it, but i am trying to challenge and work on those aspects that need strengthening, and trying to lessen the hyper critical/high standards I set for myself. Work in progress, always learning:)