Thursday, April 30, 2015


How am I supposed to start packing for Toronto when I've got this face staring at me...
I can't take her with me as my new place doesn't allow animals(;_;) she knows when the suit cases start coming out that I will be leaving, and it breaks my heart every time.  Next place I move will have to permit pets (before she gets too old as she is already 10), shall miss her terribly.

There were a few points I wanted to discuss; about uncertainty and fear, also what brought me back from the dire situation I was in during my late teens and into my twenties, as well as what it is that drives me to constantly be better, and leading an exuberant, truly remarkable life.

This is true, scientist or otherwise, but that initial step to wonder, uncovering curiosity by taking the risk to make experiments happen, and to discover their results, takes a huge amount of gumption and courage.  The following is an amazing quote that I love:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”  

-Theodore Roosevelt

Along the lines of daring greatly, I've recently been working on this ad nauseam, and one that is extremely challenging:

"The quality of you life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with."
-Tony Robbins

Regardless, I charge forwards fighting my battles as they arise on this journey I call life.  I don't think I can explain or describe in words how scary it is to be in these situations of uncertainty and not knowing.  I am afraid, but then again this immense fear is one of the main factors responsible for where I am now and that propels me further.  I have large dreams, but my fears are that much bigger.
The fears that keep me going?  What I fear more than not trying?

-I am more afraid of living with regrets, and the should've/could've/would've/ifs and buts.
-I am more afraid of the depths of depression and my experience of hell.  (here's a piece I did when I wasn't so well, from over 12 years ago... piece I have never shared publicly, and to this day difficult to look at, but my experience of true hell is even more sinister and darker still, existing on the other side of death).
-I am more afraid of lacking sensations, not feeling, and the inability to think; this happens when you are so starved of nutrition and so far gone in the throws of illness/disorder that you literally lose your mind, and your body starts cannibalising its own organs.
-I am more afraid of inaction, complacence, and mediocrity.
-I am more afraid of the unforgiving nature, and inner critic that will haunt my consciousness for being dishonest, inauthentic, and not facing challenges head on.

Those are a few things I am more afraid of than the fears of daring greatly, and being outside my comfort zones. What are yours?  

Along with that, prepare for and put in gut-wrenching hard work; as I was packing up my books, I realised the sheer NUMBER and amount of studying I did in order to get myself better, and the process it took to get my life back.  The extent of effort was not of this world!  I'm going to have an unconventional library along my new living room wall.  

Sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves, acknowledge the strides we've made, and the fact that our being is near miraculous.  The potential within us all is far greater than we can comprehend.  The strength to endure, to get through hellish circumstances and hardships, to succeed in marked progress are deep within us; we just need to promise ourselves to never give up, and keep trying. When in need reach out and ask for help (professional or otherwise), believe in possibilities, and lean on love.

LEAN ON LOVE by Mackenzie Thorpe 
(I'd like to one day own an original of his, images of this piece along with others in a leaflet has hung above my work area since I first encountered them in a Sausalito, CA gallery a decade ago, it has such meaning and significance to me)

They do and will come true, I can say this from experience.  


  1. I think you are on of the most beautiful, attractive, intelligent, desirable women ive ever encountered. You look fantastic in latex, and your posts are fascinating.

    1. Thank you. But the latex fashion was related to an art exhibition/opening event years ago, and no longer associated with that, but I am glad you find the posts interesting.