Thursday, June 3, 2010

Mental Fog

This is a piece called Falling Through.

Although I am not feeling like I am falling through I do feel like I am in a mental fog.  Some days are just more difficult; to see the optimistic side of life, to feel refreshed and more yourself, clear, able to go out with ease, go get groceries, and be happy to interact with society.  
I can feel the pressure in the air, I mean the weather certainly hasn't helped the last two days, but this may just be my excuse, I whole heartedly believe that I am the sole generator of my inner and outer state of being, and it is me who needs to define my life; this is extremely difficult to do when there is a constant and hyper aware high speed stream of analysis, criticism, thought, emotion, reality, experience, sense, and all of them jumbled up together trying to create some sort of working order within one body and one existence.  But then is this too an excuse?  I am just trying to find reason and balance in my state of flux.  
This is not a good feeling, and I'd rather be something, somewhere, someone else; anything but this place I am familiar getting stuck...
Maybe this is another developmental stage, or am I in transition, gosh, there have been way too many transitions in my life, my body does not take change as well as it used to.  I don't really know where I am going with this...  
Hmmm, my brain does not shut off, it's a pain in the ass, I understand I am very intense, maybe living in cities doesn't help, but wherever I go I will still be me so why would location matter?  Nature and wildlife is still soothing to the soul.  I will probably set up shack in the West Coast adjacent an ocean with my own studio and little haven on earth, and a dog.  
I can picture a whack out recluse female artist sort, umm, not the future I envision, so I can tweak a few things here and there to round the edges, or just be full out Georgia O'Keefe!  What an excellent artist and a fascinating individual, her biography interests me.  
So, I realize many artists mainly the well known ones are dead, have died young, have had mental illness, distress, contorted life, family dysfunction, relationship issues, and the whole lot; GREAT, that is good for me to know.  Maybe balance and stability will never be with in me, maybe I just need to accept the fact that it is not in my nature to lead a 'normal' lifestyle; job, marriage, kids, location, and all that jazz.  This is okay, I can deal with that.  
Compassion, care, thought, meaning, purpose, spirituality, heart, giving, and 'world peace' are essential for me though... LOL, world peace... lets not get carried away, I'm just kidding.  Where's the LOOOVE people!?  
Well, I believe life can be good.  Hope is very important.  The artists way is a roller coaster path to take, but isn't any life always surprising?

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