Thursday, February 9, 2012

REASON: BeingMarieT 101 series.

A cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.  A good or obvious cause to do something.  The power of the mind to think, understand and form judgements by a process of logic.  What is right, practical or possible; common sense.  One's sanity.  Rationale, logic, understanding, answer to a problem after considering various possible solutions.  (MacBook dashboard dictionary states.)
A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.  The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgements, or inferences.  (Online dictionary states.)
Stickers for my solo exhibit.  Character is of a Japanese divinity and guardian called Ojizo-sama.

As I mentioned in my previous post here are the reasons I decided to do the BeingMarieT 101 series:
-Three weeks ago I was having a particularly difficult time; that niggling feeling inside and mind searching furiously to find the cause and answers to my state of being.  Everything from the weather to my own values.  You may ask why a niggling sensation is such a threat, well, throughout my long recovery process to being somewhat functional in life, I've picked up some wisdom and signs or shall I say red flags that alert me to my state of well being under all kinds of circumstantial risk; stress, imbalance, family disfunction, memories, old anniversaries of experiences past, unwelcome sensations ingrained in the body from years of repetition, etc.  These are never ending and my brain seems to fire them off naturally now every moment (sometimes annoyingly in my sleep too).  Survival of the fittest?  Fight or flight response?  For me its another one of those coping methods I've picked up and honed along my journey, so NOT to slide backwards or allow the dark shadow to creep near.  
-As I realized there were MANY reasons; uncertainty of career, new unexplored and scary territories, my inner critics, the unexpected direction my videos on youtube were starting to veer towards, not being happy with that direction, how do I want to portray myself or 'brand' myself as, the fact that society can be very narrow minded and how does a multi-faceted individual like myself succeed without dwindling myself into one corner (the one trick monkey), how things once shared with the public gets filtered and processed which is to some extent out of my control, time, finances, the way my heart operates, the jumbled mess of a knot the path from my brain-to-heart often leaves, the fine balance of studio time and business aspect of art, what is to come, why the hell do I have such a tendency to strive for the best and nothing else, leaving me usually exhausted, tense, overwhelmed, and a bit doubtful, where is that head ache coming from!?  Oh, such is LIFE.  
-I am human.  I've always had this frustration since childhood with the realization that I have limits, an expiration date, I am breakable, I can not be everything to everyone, that I need to sleep and eat, people happen, some systems are, I can not put my foot under a Jeep Grand Cherokee and not feel the pain, or force my legs into a 180 degree-and-beyond turn out without the grinding of hip sockets and joints, or be able to like physics class in school.  I curse and shake my fist at my mortal capabilities/capacity/confinement!!! 
-I need to have a voice, and be able to express these on-goings that often feel would burst at the seams if there weren't pressure release outlets.  
-The question; will mixed media art be enough for me?  I don't think so, I need a full, complete, all senses moved, influential, soul reverberating, stimulated, evolving, embraced in creation, thought challenging existence!  I think my boundaries will definitely overstep those of the formal school of 'fine art'; already is, so where to will this take me?  The unknown is another one of those human aspects that make me wonder.

Do you have moments where you find yourself searching for reasons to niggling thoughts or feelings?  How do you react to them and what do you do to cope and deal with these realities?  

I will be speaking with National Initiative for Eating Disorders with the support of MP Mark Adler at a Toronto high school (  I also have a photo shoot coming up this weekend with the designer from the Netherlands (  I need to start on my large art piece with the amazing hand made Japanese unryu paper I ordered from Paper Connection International (  Also upload a video on my Youtube channel (  Cook dinner, do the laundry, exfoliate, paint toe nails (so I am somewhat presentable in front of the camera), clean paint brushes, finish up other art pieces, and remember to breathe.
A few years ago in NYC...

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I am so grateful:)


  1. I know what you are going through, and I know you will make it, you have a whole life in front of you.
    What happened to the new skirt video, it was delightful?

  2. I always have those niggling

    What are my next projects? Will I get accepted for grad school in Singapore? What classwork do I need to complete? How do I accomplish what I want in life? And, as an am I going to make my strong niche in U.S. and Singapore film?

    (And, the feeling that you can't put your finger on....which is usually encompassing the questions above, and more...)

    And so on...

  3. The whole creativity and sexuality dichotomy thing has always been complicated for artists. I appreciate you may have been getting more attention due to the latex-thing--people only seeing a pretty girl in the clothes and not necessarily understanding where you were coming from, in regards to the artistic medium. Nevertheless, the way that others interpret you creative works and expressions are an essential part of being an artist, or so I would assume, not being an artist myself.

    In any event, good luck with the speaking engagement. Sharing your struggles and triumphs will undoubtedly help those who are still trying to figure out the disorder.

    By the way, great blog, I always look forward to your updates.