REASON: BeingMarieT 101 series.

REASON: 
A cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.  A good or obvious cause to do something.  The power of the mind to think, understand and form judgements by a process of logic.  What is right, practical or possible; common sense.  One's sanity.  Rationale, logic, understanding, answer to a problem after considering various possible solutions.  (MacBook dashboard dictionary states.)
A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.  The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgements, or inferences.  (Online dictionary states.)

Stickers for my solo exhibit.  Character is of a Japanese divinity and guardian called Ojizo-sama.

As I mentioned in my previous post here are the reasons I decided to do the BeingMarieT 101 series:
-Three weeks ago I was having a particularly difficult time; that niggling feeling inside and mind searching furiously to find the cause and answers to my state of being.  Everything from the weather to my own values.  You may ask why a niggling sensation is such a threat, well, throughout my long recovery process to being somewhat functional in life, I've picked up some wisdom and signs or shall I say red flags that alert me to my state of well being under all kinds of circumstantial risk; stress, imbalance, family disfunction, memories, old anniversaries of experiences past, unwelcome sensations ingrained in the body from years of repetition, etc.  These are never ending and my brain seems to fire them off naturally now every moment (sometimes annoyingly in my sleep too).  Survival of the fittest?  Fight or flight response?  For me its another one of those coping methods I've picked up and honed along my journey, so NOT to slide backwards or allow the dark shadow to creep near.  
-As I realized there were MANY reasons; uncertainty of career, new unexplored and scary territories, my inner critics, the unexpected direction my videos on youtube were starting to veer towards, not being happy with that direction, how do I want to portray myself or 'brand' myself as, the fact that society can be very narrow minded and how does a multi-faceted individual like myself succeed without dwindling myself into one corner (the one trick monkey), how things once shared with the public gets filtered and processed which is to some extent out of my control, time, finances, the way my heart operates, the jumbled mess of a knot the path from my brain-to-heart often leaves, the fine balance of studio time and business aspect of art, what is to come, why the hell do I have such a tendency to strive for the best and nothing else, leaving me usually exhausted, tense, overwhelmed, and a bit doubtful, where is that head ache coming from!?  Oh, such is LIFE.  
-I am human.  I've always had this frustration since childhood with the realization that I have limits, an expiration date, I am breakable, I can not be everything to everyone, that I need to sleep and eat, people happen, some systems are, I can not put my foot under a Jeep Grand Cherokee and not feel the pain, or force my legs into a 180 degree-and-beyond turn out without the grinding of hip sockets and joints, or be able to like physics class in school.  I curse and shake my fist at my mortal capabilities/capacity/confinement!!! 
-I need to have a voice, and be able to express these on-goings that often feel would burst at the seams if there weren't pressure release outlets.  
-The question; will mixed media art be enough for me?  I don't think so, I need a full, complete, all senses moved, influential, soul reverberating, stimulated, evolving, embraced in creation, thought challenging existence!  I think my boundaries will definitely overstep those of the formal school of 'fine art'; already is, so where to will this take me?  The unknown is another one of those human aspects that make me wonder.

       
Do you have moments where you find yourself searching for reasons to niggling thoughts or feelings?  How do you react to them and what do you do to cope and deal with these realities?  


I will be speaking with National Initiative for Eating Disorders with the support of MP Mark Adler at a Toronto high school (http://www.nied.ca/).  I also have a photo shoot coming up this weekend with the designer from the Netherlands (http://www.arditaff.com/).  I need to start on my large art piece with the amazing hand made Japanese unryu paper I ordered from Paper Connection International (http://www.paperconnection.com/).  Also upload a video on my Youtube channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/BeingMarieT).  Cook dinner, do the laundry, exfoliate, paint toe nails (so I am somewhat presentable in front of the camera), clean paint brushes, finish up other art pieces, and remember to breathe.

A few years ago in NYC...

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I am so grateful:)
-M   

THIS IS SO ME!!!

So two days ago I started to redo a large art piece I had already done and didn't like anymore.  It was fine until I finished coloring the first part but then I realized my well of creativity is totally and completely empty!!!  Feeling dull, bored, uninspired and full of unfortunate circumstances occurring recently I was feeling frustrated and a bit concerned that the creativity well may never get filled again; although it always does eventually.  But I felt a need, a surge of something new, a risk to take, a challenge to give myself, and so as spontaneous as I usually am, that is exactly what I did.  


I decided to do the thing I have been most scared shitless of doing.  


First, going out into society.
Second, meeting new people.
Third, new surroundings.
Fourth, new experience.
Fifth, jumping into the unknown.
Sixth, taking the subway and getting there.
Seventh and most importantly stepping foot in the HIP HOP CLASS facility/studio that I just yesterday signed up for, for one month (it was $99 CAD).


I have not listened to music in a year, I have not danced in years, I have not set foot in a studio in years, I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding everything to do with studio/classical ballet settings and just to dance in a class in general.  Those of you who know me will understand.  This is huge.  


I am also in a truly unfit and totally out of shape so this will be fun (that was sarcasm)...


The worst are my own very highly critical voices from the past that still haunt me; from when I used to dance pre/professionally (classical ballet).  I AM HARD ON MYSELF is no joke, it is mission impossible.  


Yeah, and the class, I decided, to start and dive in is tomorrow night!!!  Yeah, really, talk about taking risks and facing a challenge.  I know how much courage and determination and preparation it took for me to decide and do this so I am proud of myself.  


I hope to just relax and have fun and enjoy myself tomorrow; instead of the usual critical me who expects herself to be at the professional level she was once at and better.  So yeah I am nervous, excited, SCARED SHITLESS!!! and really trying to keep myself convinced and driven to do this and not back out.  


Oh fuck it, new experiences are always such a pain in the ass but I figure it can't be any worse than where I am at right now with having NO inspiration for my art work, being alone with Clover as my boyfriend is in England, and time to feel crap about myself; nope I don't think so, this is just who I am.  I am always trying to improve the person I am and taking risks and facing challenges as this brings on positive change and inner progress.  


Life is an adventure so I shall just go and see!  Wish me luck, I'll probably really really suck the first class and a few after (if I can get myself to any other classes).  To me the 99 dollar month pass will be worth every penny of it, worth it in a much bigger and interpersonal way that even if I only end up attending one class I would be happy and proud of myself for putting myself out there.  


So what to wear, what to take, do I have change for the subway, and all the tiny things that no one usually thinks about but when you are agoraphobic and have major anxiety problems and have been chronically depressed, well, every little thing is crucial.  


It is 12:52 am right now and I am going to sleep after I post this as I am trying to go to bed earlier!  This is early for me.  I would eventually like to start sleeping around 11pm or at least before 12am.  


I will keep you posted on how the class went on my next blog post, and please let everyone you know of my blog as I would like to share my experiences with others and some things can be helpful and interesting.  


Thank you.