A Sleepless Night

There is an eerie quiet that befalls the city, a completely sleepless night, in the dim of adjacent office building lights; that all too familiar feeling, in Toronto, memories of past.

How much we all change over time.

Some days are harder than others, battle wounds difficult to mend.  But you pick up the shattered pieces, reminding ourselves that time will heal, and the sun will rise again in the morning.

  

  

FIGHT FOR THE LIFE YOU WANT: Pharmaceutical Withdrawal

I am going to share this as I believe the process I am going through will help those in similar situations and may gain some insight, comfort and support in knowing that they are not alone.  This maybe a bit lengthy, I apologise, but it is important that I accurately and honestly describe.

We all have our personal journeys, experiences explored, a life full of challenges; wether it be a one time excruciating blip, or a recurring pattern of hardship. They are the myriad of life's adventures, that walk along side the beautiful joys and exuberance of what is life.  In a post prior I believe I mentioned that I'd refocus my attention on reasons I moved countries in the first place, and so I've proceeded to do just that.

I knew what I was facing and getting into, I was scared (and there isn't much that ever stops me in life, but this took A LOT more guts than I had imagined).  But a decision making process of over many months in Tokyo, to leave wonderful opportunities and career prospects/offers, amazing individuals, and a piece of my heart were made; not only physical, and emotional implications of leaving and making life changing choices, but the financial implications of such a move/decision is fear at its worst, and the uncertainty, completely unsettling.  

June 18th I 'jumped' and started this gruelling process that if ever experienced, those can relate, and others I can only try to explain and beg for understanding, respect, and patience.  But there is only so much you can do to describe to those who are not in your intimate inner circle or are not yet comfortable divulging your personal mission; ultimately life is often a lonely path as we are all independently traversing our unpaved paths.  We have our own individual battles and fights to fight.  And in my weakness (or so society has conditioned us to believe) I can't tell you how much I miss having a significant other in my life whom I can trust completely, to rely and lean on while going through this, but that is where true friends come into play, and just knowing that they are there, wherever they are in the world, has offered more support and strength than they would ever know.  Sometimes a word or two are all you need to get through the moments.  Pure gratitude, and that 'knowing look' without words is all you need.  And those you've only recently met or gotten to know; try to explain and tell them: 

"Please know that I am usually much more outgoing, and not this out of it or exhausted, appearance or otherwise", "I am just doing battle with life's hiccups, and it's only temporary", "if you are indeed someone who is worth my time and have a warm heart, please don't stigmatise or judge me too harshly, and stick around" (well, I dunno if you'd say that out loud, but don't we all silently think and would like to scream that at times).            

What is your Fidozac?  Going through medical files with the professionals here in Toronto, I've been on mine for over twelve years.  I have my opinions about pharmaceutical companies; both favourable and extremely unfavourable, but don't we all.  They can save your life, but there is also much they don't disclose; especially the younger medications without solid research or evidence needed over time.  Definitely what they don't tell you about is the hell you will endure trying to get off of them (IF you do ever try); WITHDRAWAL when your body has been on a high dosage of powerful pharmaceuticals for over a decade is REAL.

  

No, this is a completely different process than getting off or ending your cough meds, as many often associate, but a lengthy process of a complete reshuffling of brain chemistry.  This affects the core of your physiology, psychology, emotionality, mentality, strategy and life style (social or otherwise), through months and maybe even years.  But my life is one I don't squander lightly and as I succeed in tapering off these medications, other opportunities will open in my life; the length of the rest of my life, my future, and who knows, 'if' I do decide to have kids, first, I would be able to, and second, another generation.  But for me the ease of being able to travel or relocate without the worry, strategic planning, or hassle of a hoard of prescription medications are the simple joys I hold on to.

PMS on crack; check.  Drug addict going cold turkey; check.  A sweaty hairless cat outside in minus 30 degree Canadian weather; check.  A defective firecracker; check. A weepy three year old kid; check.  A three day all nighter; check.  Chronic insomniac; check.  A flat 'carbonated' drink; check.  Check, check, check~  These are some metaphors that reflect a few of the completely unpredictable effects and scary uncertain situations I can find myself.  So yes, I am being EXTREMELY GENTLE with myself, and not being so available is more due to 'self preservation'.  I am doing everything in my power to make this process as least sucky as possible.

This means; going about my day as normal as possible, finding a job that is satisfactory and can keep me afloat, going out despite my anxieties around the uncertainties I can't control, utilising ALL of the resources I have available within myself to cope and deal with the onslaught of unstable emotional/psychological states, keep speaking, expressing, creating, sharing, staying connected with especially those I feel comfortable and can trust wherever they are in the world, and not giving into my usual nature to 'be strong' and not reach out when in need, living as healthy a life as possible, allowing myself to be in this completely vulnerable and helpless state and being forced to be OK with it as I don't have much choice.

Every day, every moment is a new or different state of being.  Hyper awareness of all levels of condition(s) at all times, keeping a detailed document of symptoms; physical, psychological, emotional, etc. being in very close touch with medical professional support networks is top priority (in person, through Skype, any means necessary, esp if you have histories such as mine).  Then hold on to your social support networks for dear life when things get impossible, and breathe through the sensations and situations.     

To those who are going through similar struggles, know that you are not alone (although it may at times feel convincingly so), and literally one moment at a time.  BE EXTREMELY GENTLE WITH YOURSELF, lean on the goodness/positives of humanity, and when it gets really downright sucky, just focus on the breath, or try distractions such as music, candle light, bath, or even South Park... (*wink*), an alternate option is to dive into the discomfort and allow yourself to ride the waves; all are appropriate depending on each and every circumstance.

(note: I have purposefully kept out specifics of medication or condition for which I am on the medications, as to not deter from objectifying or diffusing the importance of that very human gift of empathy and understanding; we can all relate to experiences like these, whatever our struggle or medical condition.  Free of borders, wearing blinders, or discrimination).     

         

               

     

ANCHOR in ROUGH SEAS, NEW ART, BOOKS

The books I am currently enjoying (minus Outliers as I just finished it a few days ago); I am starting to think I may be better off getting a kindle, but I can't help letting go of the tactile... I also like the visual aspect of being able to reach one I'm in the mood for as I usually have more than three books I read at a time.  But when I think of my lifestyle, the weight and volume of books are counterintuitive.  

The other day I was at the St. Lawrence Market area, out on the patio having a nice tea break before heading off to an exhibit gathering, having the most lovely conversation online with someone in Tokyo, making faces unable to keep from smiling and chuckling, the lady with a stroller next to me looking at me as if I were crazy, I was grateful for advancements in technology keeping me connected to those from all over the world.  

The last week has been particularly difficult with much on my mind; of sorting out priorities, calculating and planning.  Oftentimes we become so busy and caught up in 'doing' and 'going', 'achieving' and 'defying' that the plot gets lost.  Amidst such stormy seas, an anchor to keep you from straying too far off; in heart, care, love, and reassurance, it can be a family member, relative, best friend, significant other, someone whom you can connect and provide perspective.  You'd be surprised who steps up to the plate in times of need; in Chicago I found it in a store clerk who was extremely generous! but usually a list of individuals you can count, in one or two hands, are those you treasure with all of your heart.

I am focusing on my priorities and the reason I moved countries in the first place.  

For the time being, a reflection from earlier this week:

OF COWARDS AND MEN

2015, 16 x 12 x 1.5 in., acrylic on braced birch diptych

 The presence of the duality within all of us; in the face of fear; flight or fight?  What is it that brings the best and most courageous out of that which we didn't even know existed?  A metaphor: boys vs. men, girl vs. woman?  What is it to be human; its a Rorschach minefield, adventure, and/or amazing gift?  It can be interpreted however you see fit, I know the layers of meaning this has for me (detail: you can see the various layers of colour on the edges of the dancing line).      

CERTAIN UNCERTAINTY will be the title of the one above when it is complete.

Sunnybrook (hospital) please get me through this.

-M 

SEARCHING in MYSTERIOUS times

While I go about searching and applying for possible work opportunities of good fit, many questions come to light allowing discoveries and new found ease in being (which is separate from lacking worry or anxiety due to the uncertainty of security; but over the years you learn to feel them as they come, and let them go, as focusing on it will only intensify stress and wont help matters).  

I find myself in a different place where I am not sharing too much of myself; instead focusing on nurturing and protecting this odd gift of pure authenticity, compassion and a powerful way about me that seems to influence and move individuals to be their best selves (good or bad), an encouraging spirit where I share a piece of my soul and heart, that when tampered with can affect equilibrium.

I never thought of myself as 'mysterious', but there have been a few instances here in Toronto where others have commented that they find me mysterious.  It is not my intention, this is just how I'm being in the present, but I'd say I'm more cautious, careful, and discerning.  You protect that which can get hurt or are fragile.  Whilst to the outer world, physically, things seem settled and its as if I haven't even left traveling the world at all, internally is another story and I know from experience that time and patience are the only antidote.  I'm carefully processing, observing, listening, and  being selective as everything percolates.

In times like these I tend to resort back to creating; there are a few things on the table that I am considering and working on.  

I have been exploring and getting to know Toronto all over again, enjoying the summer weather and finding footing.

Searching, discovering, recalibrating.  

-M

                  

In The Murky Waters of Transition

The view outside my balcony in my new Toronto place, with the sunshine peaking through downtown's forest of buildings, I hear a sparrow singing its heart out; he has a family under the rafters to protect.  There is life in every corner, even amongst concrete, I find fascinating and warms my heart.  

With transitions comes trying to grab onto anything that feels substantial/solid/trustworthy, where murky waters make visibility low.  You'd think that after a lifetime of moving and transitions that one would start getting used to the process; this isn't so, and the day I do I will be a lesser being.  The more meaning, connection, dedication, and loyalty you create, the harder the separation and longer the grieving process.  Last time I left Toronto, I not only left the city, but also a relationship of 5 years. Now I'm back in Toronto where I left the city and all that was; my ex now in a different country, both in a completely different place in our lives than before; new mindsets, perceptions, more scars, and notches on the belt buckle of life.  I am glad and proud of being on my own and having traversed the path I have chosen for myself; no regrets, but one not without struggles and a lot of heart ache.  That's the thing; the bigger the risks, and decisions, the greater the loss, consequences, the emotions and sensations that ripple.    

Where am I now?  What does Toronto mean to me, at this point in my life?  I sit here in a unit on the top floor of this older intimate building, where the ceiling height makes me feel a bit small, but I've designed the interiors to have a cozy homey familiarity, with reused furniture from my old studio, with paint splatters all over, and that I had replaced with smooth natural stone handles (I only bought new bookshelves and a couch as the ones I did own lasted way beyond their investment; over ten years of early IKEA furniture, YUP, FOR SURE!); but like my works of art, my space is full of texture, layers, and so much meaning in every piece/object.  There is a reason it is there, a story that goes along, with a special place in my memory and heart.  So yes, there is soul, wherever I go and whatever I touch.

Looking in on the present, and forward, I still can not shake those I miss, the pangs of sadness that remain in the moments of stillness, along with the beautiful sweet aftertaste, that is the gratitude someone/something/someplace worth missing exists.  

What do you have in store for me this time around Toronto?  I will make the most of it, in my own time, at my own pace, in my unconventional and unique ways.  I do appreciate all facets of life; ecstatic, good, bad, and/or downright ugly.  What a breadth of experience and adventure; curious of the countless possibilities.

As I returned from a meeting today, there sat a gurney and body bag; apparently someone on my floor passed away.  *Life* is happening all around, even in death.

  

Grateful, and contemplative, I. am. here.  

-M

              

DARING GREATLY and COMFORTABLE UNCERTAINTY

How am I supposed to start packing for Toronto when I've got this face staring at me...

I can't take her with me as my new place doesn't allow animals(;_;) she knows when the suit cases start coming out that I will be leaving, and it breaks my heart every time.  Next place I move will have to permit pets (before she gets too old as she is already 10), shall miss her terribly.

There were a few points I wanted to discuss; about uncertainty and fear, also what brought me back from the dire situation I was in during my late teens and into my twenties, as well as what it is that drives me to constantly be better, and leading an exuberant, truly remarkable life.

This is true, scientist or otherwise, but that initial step to wonder, uncovering curiosity by taking the risk to make experiments happen, and to discover their results, takes a huge amount of gumption and courage.  The following is an amazing quote that I love:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”  

-Theodore Roosevelt

Along the lines of daring greatly, I've recently been working on this ad nauseam, and one that is extremely challenging:

"The quality of you life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with."

-Tony Robbins

Regardless, I charge forwards fighting my battles as they arise on this journey I call life.  I don't think I can explain or describe in words how scary it is to be in these situations of uncertainty and not knowing.  I am afraid, but then again this immense fear is one of the main factors responsible for where I am now and that propels me further.  I have large dreams, but my fears are that much bigger.

  

The fears that keep me going?  What I fear more than not trying?

-I am more afraid of living with regrets, and the should've/could've/would've/ifs and buts.

-I am more afraid of the depths of depression and my experience of hell.  (here's a piece I did when I wasn't so well, from over 12 years ago...

...one piece I have never shared publicly, and to this day difficult to look at, but my experience of true hell is even more sinister and darker still, existing on the other side of death).

-I am more afraid of lacking sensations, not feeling, and the inability to think; this happens when you are so starved of nutrition and so far gone in the throws of illness/disorder that you literally lose your mind, and your body starts cannibalising its own organs.

-I am more afraid of inaction, complacence, and mediocrity.

-I am more afraid of the unforgiving nature, and inner critic that will haunt my consciousness for being dishonest, inauthentic, and not facing challenges head on.

Those are a few things I am more afraid of than the fears of daring greatly, and being outside my comfort zones. What are yours?  

Along with that, prepare for and put in gut-wrenching hard work; as I was packing up my books, I realised the sheer NUMBER and amount of studying I did in order to get myself better, and the process it took to get my life back.  The extent of effort was not of this world!  I'm going to have an unconventional library along my new living room wall.  

Sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves, acknowledge the strides we've made, and the fact that our being is near miraculous.  The potential within us all is far greater than we can comprehend.  The strength to endure, to get through hellish circumstances and hardships, to succeed in marked progress are deep within us; we just need to promise ourselves to never give up, and keep trying. When in need reach out and ask for help (professional or otherwise), believe in possibilities, and lean on love.

LEAN ON LOVE by Mackenzie Thorpe 

(I'd like to one day own an original of his, images of this piece along with others in a leaflet has hung above my work area since I first encountered them in a Sausalito, CA gallery a decade ago, it has such meaning and significance to me)

BELIEVE. IMAGINE IT. HOLD ONTO YOUR DREAMS.  

TAKE ACTIONS TOWARDS THOSE BELIEFS/DREAMS/VISIONS.

They do and will come true, I can say this from experience.  

Down Memory Lane: Uncovered Notes from a First Love

As I was sorting out and packing up all of the books for my move, I came across two somewhat neatly folded pieces of notebook paper shoved into the pages; a walk down memory lane, of my first love.

The sophistication and detail of the letters, of a 6th grader (so around 11/12, although I think he may have been 13) is quite impressive!  He must have gotten a lot of his English class writing practice from these notes; I can say this, as I remember he was the most popular boy in the grade, with a black belt in karate too(!), whoa, hahaha (yeah right... in the middle of the cornfields in Indiana, highly unlikely), and a smooth operator with the girls, before he got in with the not-so-great, monster truck loving, pill popping, smoking, high/stoned crowds later on as we became teenagers.  I was the new kid on the block, moving in from the suburbs of Detroit MI, I looked different in a predominantly caucasian environment, and from an apparently stable home life (to put the situation into context; the headquarters of the KKK were in the county or township adjacent to ours, and the area was well known for having the earliest and highest percentage of pre-teen/teenage pregnancies, and my hand was one of the only ones in the class raised, as we were asked about parents whom were still together).

I was oblivious to any of the realities of life, I was still a kid who was maybe only beginning to get out of the 'boys have cooties' phase; I remember to this day, as he was 'asking me out' during recess, out on the school field/playground, my response was 'ummm, I'm not sure if I can, I have to ask my mom first, I'll let you know later', and the group of boys and girls stood and stared at me like I was from another planet... I mean how was I supposed to know!?  And back then, I used to turn literally bright red in the face when put in embarrassing or 'on the spot' situations, so you could imagine the caliber of red I was turning!  

But there is such innocence, and honesty in the letters, it warms your heart, with even a bit of drama, that I find so adorable!  I mean you'd be hard pressed to find a man these days putting his whole heart on the line in this manner; well, such is growing up and becoming adults with responsibilities and other aspects to consider.  

I do remember the soul crushing heart break I was in after the umpteenth phone conversation when we 'broke up'; I cried, like the little girl that I was.  I didn't go out with anyone after that until I was 16 as I focused on my classical ballet career goals, another move back to a completely different environment that was an all girls Catholic private international school in Tokyo; a 180 from the public school system in the county an hour south of Indianapolis.
                

Maybe this will conjure up your experience of firsts in love, down memory lane.

-M