Sunday, March 21, 2010

Positive Affirmations

I was deep in thought more so than usual today.  It was a cloudy cold quiet day.  Yesterday everyone was walking around in a T-shirt and today back again in winter coats; that is the climate here for you.  It was a good day for listening.  

This is what I wrote in my journal; 

Change is possible.  I will make a difference.  I can make a difference.  Change is gradual.  Act today.  BE.

For the last year or so since the dreadful happenings in 2009 I have been watching videos on YouTube, and in particular make up tutorials by beauty gurus and their insights into the art of make up.  Usually this would not alarm anyone or think it unusual but for a girl who grew up preferring blue over pink, power rangers over barbie, discovering every nook and cranny while in nature, and discovering only at age 13 that there was such things as shaving legs or that females are supposed to wear bras, I was taken aback.  Where did this come from?  

2009 started with a horrific flood in a newly renovated house lease which I had papers signed for and a space I could put my things a week ahead of the actual move in date.  The day before moving in I walk into a first floor bathroom fountain of water gushing out of some pipe, at least a few inches of water in the first floor drenching, yes, all of my major furniture, boxes and other possessions I had already transferred, the stairs to the finished basement cascading with water and more of it like the Niagara Falls.  I think I was knee deep in water when I went down to discover most of the art work I had painstakingly placed in the basement, floating.  The ceilings were caved in the dry wall was crumbling around me, the electrical was exposed, it was traumatic.  None the less I drudged through the ice cold water as this was in the February of Canadian winter just hooking up my pieces of art work and trying to save what was left of it.  

Okay, so to keep the story short my boyfriend and I ended up in my parent's condo living room floor sleeping on some blankets gathered together with a few of our belongings, and this whole fiasco turned into a law suite which is still unresolved with the land lord.  So, this was stressful.

To make matters worse the family Golden Retriever was suddenly diagnosed with cancer only at 9 years of age and passed away shortly after.  She took her last breath at home with the family all around her.  The nature of our canine will forever amaze and move me.

My grandmother was also diagnosed with cancer around this time for which she got treatment that helped for some time but eventually got worse half a year later and passed away.  This was another loss in the same year not including the emotional and psychological losses.

My parents were also dealing with a very serious situation with my brother being involved with the law.  This only ended as the flood happened.

Then the never ending search for a new lease property as we waited to hear from the land lord about the progress of the renovation; which we never got an exact date for moving in or really any care or humanity.  I only then realized the true nature of greed when people's eyes light up green and get nasty!

So I had no place to call my own.  Nowhere to settle or even feel safe and comfortable.  I ended up turning to the computer for a sense of relief, control, and a pinch of ease I guess.  This is how I started being interested in these videos.  I am also an artist and needed some sense of creativity, color, texture, and stimulation.

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