REACH

This month has been groundbreaking for me from many perspectives and let me share my little but monumental steps with you.  

For my chronic depression I was taking 450 mgs of Effexor XR (antidepressant/anti-anxiety), this was the amount initially prescribed to me to get me out of the deepest, darkest and most suicidal times; this was over a few years back.  My brain has been on Effexor XR for about ten years approximately, on and off as I went through the process of trial and error of most medications out there, but this one was most constant.  

Being on a medication for so long and might I add, one that has not been fully and completely researched through generation and generation with solid results as this is a fairly newer product is unsettling to say the least!  My scientific self touts it not rational.  But my life was on the line when I was in deep despair back then.  

Last year beginning of 2009 I decided to move out of the condo I was living in as I thought a larger space to do my art would be a positive progressive step.  I did not though expect this transition to become SHIT TRULY HIT THE FAN experience which ensued.  HORRIFIC was 2009.  I had lost all of what I had gained from militaristic effort and sheer determination, positive thinking, healthy and well being focused life created for myself from the year or so of owning my life, my space, my self.  

Yesterday I heard myself say to my therapist; "I seriously did not think I could and would ever be as healthy as I was at College Park (the condo I was living in downtown, Bay and College)".  This year has stripped me of all sense of self, comfort, safety, security, trust, believing, owning, progress, stability, and of all of my senses.  My life was put on hold.  I stopped listening to music, I stopped watching my beloved classical ballet and most recent creative dance world DVDs, my paint dried out, my journals; written and drawn ceased, dancing around for fun pirouetted out the window, smiles and laughs too few, many tears, numerous times I questioned hope, belief, strength within, myself and life.  I did not realize how significantly affected I was until now.  I was walking on very thin and dangerous grounds; either of having to go back into hospital or begin having suicidal thoughts, urge to hurt myself, or going further into the abyss of depression, losing relations, losing myself.  

On top of the flood that opened 2009, the landlords who turned into green eyed greedy monsters who I am still struggling to solve a legal dispute, living on the floor of my parent's condo, finding a new place which was not ideal at all, my body started failing on me.  I thought as always it must be a symptom of the depression but this time I had a different gut feeling and sensations that were definitely without doubt physical; heart arrhythmia, extreme temperature fluctuations, lack of energy, constant fatigue, muscle spasms, dizziness, fainting spells, light headedness, foggy mind, loss of short term memory, sluggishness, and the list goes on... in the end the doctors and we all concluded it was the Effexor XR and its ridiculously high dosage I was on.  By the way this dosage is usually given to physically healthy mid age grow men; I am not grown man, neither was I physically healthy (from all the damage from my eating disorder, overdoses, years and years of abuse from classical ballet training, etc), and I'm like this little pixie thing of a creature.  SO no wonder I was having physical symptoms!  

I need to warn anyone thinking of taking Effexor or Effexor XR to really think again as there are many other medications out there and this one is not necessarily the best one; Effexor has huge side effects, ridiculously awful and deadly withdrawal effects, it is one powerful sucker... AND if you are planning on going on a cocktail with already existing meds or with other medications, I highly highly recommend you getting a second opinion or another mode of treatment (as from experience the effects will only worsen and make brain functioning very complicated).  The physical effects of taking and coming off Effexor XR is just not worth it in my opinion.  

I have been lowering my dosage 37.5 mgs every month now for the last how many months and right now I am down to 300 mgs from 475 mgs and physically I am starting to feel a bit better but in terms of depression, there is just an 'unknown' so at the moment I am keeping it steady at 300 mgs as I feel most safe.  

It is a FINE BALANCE.  

The medication is only one of the many things that have been significant this month, and although I started out saying I would list them all, well, another time will do as life is too full an adventure and words too few as are minutes, and my eyes and fingers are tired of the computer.  

Awful week that just keeps on...

This week has been especially hard for some reason.  My mood is not lifting and I feel a veil of darkness enshrouding me.  I dislike to spread negativity so I leave be and not interact.  This is too familiar a sensation which I highly distaste.  I become very frustrated, angry, protective, sensitive, and the situation pisses me off.  Many reasons are linked to being this way and I believe I know what they are but it does not make the situation any easier or pleasant or better.  There are certain things my brain prefers to do which are out of my reach and this pisses me off even further.  Well, as always, I take each moment as they come and try to get through tough times.

THIS IS SO ME!!!

So two days ago I started to redo a large art piece I had already done and didn't like anymore.  It was fine until I finished coloring the first part but then I realized my well of creativity is totally and completely empty!!!  Feeling dull, bored, uninspired and full of unfortunate circumstances occurring recently I was feeling frustrated and a bit concerned that the creativity well may never get filled again; although it always does eventually.  But I felt a need, a surge of something new, a risk to take, a challenge to give myself, and so as spontaneous as I usually am, that is exactly what I did.  


I decided to do the thing I have been most scared shitless of doing.  


First, going out into society.
Second, meeting new people.
Third, new surroundings.
Fourth, new experience.
Fifth, jumping into the unknown.
Sixth, taking the subway and getting there.
Seventh and most importantly stepping foot in the HIP HOP CLASS facility/studio that I just yesterday signed up for, for one month (it was $99 CAD).


I have not listened to music in a year, I have not danced in years, I have not set foot in a studio in years, I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding everything to do with studio/classical ballet settings and just to dance in a class in general.  Those of you who know me will understand.  This is huge.  


I am also in a truly unfit and totally out of shape so this will be fun (that was sarcasm)...


The worst are my own very highly critical voices from the past that still haunt me; from when I used to dance pre/professionally (classical ballet).  I AM HARD ON MYSELF is no joke, it is mission impossible.  


Yeah, and the class, I decided, to start and dive in is tomorrow night!!!  Yeah, really, talk about taking risks and facing a challenge.  I know how much courage and determination and preparation it took for me to decide and do this so I am proud of myself.  


I hope to just relax and have fun and enjoy myself tomorrow; instead of the usual critical me who expects herself to be at the professional level she was once at and better.  So yeah I am nervous, excited, SCARED SHITLESS!!! and really trying to keep myself convinced and driven to do this and not back out.  


Oh fuck it, new experiences are always such a pain in the ass but I figure it can't be any worse than where I am at right now with having NO inspiration for my art work, being alone with Clover as my boyfriend is in England, and time to feel crap about myself; nope I don't think so, this is just who I am.  I am always trying to improve the person I am and taking risks and facing challenges as this brings on positive change and inner progress.  


Life is an adventure so I shall just go and see!  Wish me luck, I'll probably really really suck the first class and a few after (if I can get myself to any other classes).  To me the 99 dollar month pass will be worth every penny of it, worth it in a much bigger and interpersonal way that even if I only end up attending one class I would be happy and proud of myself for putting myself out there.  


So what to wear, what to take, do I have change for the subway, and all the tiny things that no one usually thinks about but when you are agoraphobic and have major anxiety problems and have been chronically depressed, well, every little thing is crucial.  


It is 12:52 am right now and I am going to sleep after I post this as I am trying to go to bed earlier!  This is early for me.  I would eventually like to start sleeping around 11pm or at least before 12am.  


I will keep you posted on how the class went on my next blog post, and please let everyone you know of my blog as I would like to share my experiences with others and some things can be helpful and interesting.  


Thank you.