Wednesday, April 7, 2010


So two days ago I started to redo a large art piece I had already done and didn't like anymore.  It was fine until I finished coloring the first part but then I realized my well of creativity is totally and completely empty!!!  Feeling dull, bored, uninspired and full of unfortunate circumstances occurring recently I was feeling frustrated and a bit concerned that the creativity well may never get filled again; although it always does eventually.  But I felt a need, a surge of something new, a risk to take, a challenge to give myself, and so as spontaneous as I usually am, that is exactly what I did.  

I decided to do the thing I have been most scared shitless of doing.  

First, going out into society.
Second, meeting new people.
Third, new surroundings.
Fourth, new experience.
Fifth, jumping into the unknown.
Sixth, taking the subway and getting there.
Seventh and most importantly stepping foot in the HIP HOP CLASS facility/studio that I just yesterday signed up for, for one month (it was $99 CAD).

I have not listened to music in a year, I have not danced in years, I have not set foot in a studio in years, I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding everything to do with studio/classical ballet settings and just to dance in a class in general.  Those of you who know me will understand.  This is huge.  

I am also in a truly unfit and totally out of shape so this will be fun (that was sarcasm)...

The worst are my own very highly critical voices from the past that still haunt me; from when I used to dance pre/professionally (classical ballet).  I AM HARD ON MYSELF is no joke, it is mission impossible.  

Yeah, and the class, I decided, to start and dive in is tomorrow night!!!  Yeah, really, talk about taking risks and facing a challenge.  I know how much courage and determination and preparation it took for me to decide and do this so I am proud of myself.  

I hope to just relax and have fun and enjoy myself tomorrow; instead of the usual critical me who expects herself to be at the professional level she was once at and better.  So yeah I am nervous, excited, SCARED SHITLESS!!! and really trying to keep myself convinced and driven to do this and not back out.  

Oh fuck it, new experiences are always such a pain in the ass but I figure it can't be any worse than where I am at right now with having NO inspiration for my art work, being alone with Clover as my boyfriend is in England, and time to feel crap about myself; nope I don't think so, this is just who I am.  I am always trying to improve the person I am and taking risks and facing challenges as this brings on positive change and inner progress.  

Life is an adventure so I shall just go and see!  Wish me luck, I'll probably really really suck the first class and a few after (if I can get myself to any other classes).  To me the 99 dollar month pass will be worth every penny of it, worth it in a much bigger and interpersonal way that even if I only end up attending one class I would be happy and proud of myself for putting myself out there.  

So what to wear, what to take, do I have change for the subway, and all the tiny things that no one usually thinks about but when you are agoraphobic and have major anxiety problems and have been chronically depressed, well, every little thing is crucial.  

It is 12:52 am right now and I am going to sleep after I post this as I am trying to go to bed earlier!  This is early for me.  I would eventually like to start sleeping around 11pm or at least before 12am.  

I will keep you posted on how the class went on my next blog post, and please let everyone you know of my blog as I would like to share my experiences with others and some things can be helpful and interesting.  

Thank you.  

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