Adversity? Being on the Edge.

I am writing this post on my new MacBookPro 13 inch, yes, finally!  I've set up everything so that all of my devices are connected through wi-fi, and now all I need to do is weed out the necessities that have been transferred from my old laptop.  I still dislike the keys as they feel cheap-y compared to my old one but there will always be pros and cons.

Today I wanted to discuss the ways in which we deal with adversity.  How do you deal with those aspects in your life?

I sometimes draw on walls... and this wasn't even my place... but my friend's place in SF!

I've never felt so strongly about the benefits of past career experiences than I had this week; particularly having grown up in the classical ballet world since I was 4.  I knew my ballet experience would some how weave back into my life but I was thinking more from a 'passion for dance' or 'collaboration with dance' with future endeavours, not necessarily the masochistic extremes, or discipline, determination, drive, passion of the practice and lifestyle of that world.  Although these aspects do play vital roles in everyday life and who I am, I realise how truly inhuman some of these qualities can be.  Not many individuals can experience the total concentration it takes to get through a Swan Lake performance on a fractured foot (which I suffered from a varsity track meet going over hurdles), or other major injuries/illnesses, leading a life of sacrifice in relation to the wages, and the will and heart it takes to rehearse day in and day out for those fleeting seconds or minutes of a variation on stage.  A chosen life of absolution, not unlike the immersive decision to become a nun in a convent (I suppose).

Nope, sorry, can't imagine myself as a nun... 

Backstage, in the wings, as Odette (the main role) in Swan Lake, with fracture in foot, as well as being ill due to disordered eating.

Adversity: be honest with yourself, and allow thoughts and emotions to express themselves.  Face each moment one step at a time.  Persevere, survive, push through the pain and fight.  Sometimes the most beautiful moments come from places of darkness.  You gain further perspective and clarity with yourself and the world in which you exist as you journey scary unknowns.  Acknowledge and appreciate such strong emotions and sensations, know in your gut and believe it gets better.  Never give up.  Be an expert of your own self; no one knows you as well as yourself, so be aware, discover, learn, and evolve.  

For example; piss me off, and I will push harder, be leaner, meaner, and surpass expectation.  It forces focused concentration, and that moves you. 

To be on the edge is risky, and requires full attention and close monitoring, as you don't actually want to fall off the edge (I've fallen off into the abyss a few times and the way back up is treacherous and such a slippery slope), but that edge makes everything that much more stimulating and heightened.  I'm not saying its good or bad, it just is for me.  Some people go skydiving for that edge, for me it isn't so much as the behaviour but inner state.

Where did this all come from?  I dunno, being in Japan where you feel coaxed to conform, and for me, to be 'Japanese' isn't sitting pretty within; but they say you 'look' Japanese... do I look like I give a fuck about appearance!?  Yeah, I take care of myself, but that's just the surface of genetic selection; who are you within?!  Your identity?!  What is it that makes you, you, and moves your insides!?  Who are you really?  Face that(!), honestly, and tell me how that makes you feel, think, and form opinions.  It is that in which I am interested!

At times I feel I need to break free, and totally let loose; hmmm... lose myself in music and dance the night away... (am not all sugar, sweet, and all things nice;)

Am exhausted, I am going to go take a bath and hit the sheets.    

Good night,
M

Twitter: beingmariet
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Website: http://www.marietomeoki.com 
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Quick New Years Hello/Goodnight: 2013-2014

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years Eve, and I truly wish everyone the best in 2014.  Thank you so much and many more adventures to come:)

Kindest Regards,
Marie

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

The above quote I put up in 2006, I still have pinned to my bulletin board in front of me right now, albeit a bit faded from sun exposure.  

(I'm just recording this moment for me, so if you aren't interested, leave now).

WOOOOWWW!!!  I will never be able to describe this overwhelming sensation I am experiencing right now; I get tears filling my eyes just thinking about it.

My dad gave me a tear drop pendant necklace after my near fatal struggles about 10 years ago, telling me this is for tears of joy, and not for the hardships in life nor lack of hope.  I didn't really know what that felt like, but I can tell you, my tears (as I bawl away) right now are of joy and pure grateful appreciation.  It just fills my heart.  

I understand only I can fully grasp the enormity of this milestone; the last day of work in 2013.  You nor anyone else may well let it go over your/their head(s), but I am fully aware of my own achievements and the weight of the meaning it holds for me personally.  My parents, my brother, and Patti know as they were there with me through death and back.

This is what's on the wall above my desk now.

  

I realize that revisiting, and taking the HUGE risk of making the move to Tokyo was something that I HAD TO DO, for me;

-to realize my potential.

-to overcome challenges.

-to challenge and push my limits.

-to face my fears.

-relive and face demons from past (probably the scariest and hardest thing to do, as the last time I was here, 13 years ago, I left many unresolved and unfinished loose ends.  I left completely shattered, lost, ill beyond words, dying, hopeless, and embracing death, and that was only at the start of the decent).

-to prove to myself that I can and could.  

Probably the most difficult challenge I've put myself through, I knew in my gut that I was ready when I decided to make the transition.  

BUT I DID IT.  And if I were to die right now, I can completely and confidently say I don't regret any of it, and lived a life worth living, I fought the fight and survived, a better individual.  

This is a milestone.  ALL OF IT was WORTH EVERY MOMENT.  This is where I get my exuberance, heart and drive, an outlook to life that is special to me that I hold close to my heart.  

I am an INTENSE person, I know, and some people can't handle it, but I know no other way to be.  It is the FULL life experience.  *I'm bawling as I've got a big smile on my face, oh the contradiction!, the story of my life... darn Gemini*

This feeling, the overflowing sensation of gratitude, honor, and pure appreciation, I am lost for words!  Thank you.  

"oh my gosh, I can't believe I did it!!!", I am proud of myself (^_^), and I don't say this often or acknowledge it, ever.

I wish I had someone to share this with in person, but I shall cry my tears of joy, embrace it, and BE in the moment.

I believed in my heart and soul that I did the right thing, and I wasn't mistaken.  This is proof enough, !!!ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!  I can't stress this enough.

I don't lie when I say; I DETEST

 

LOL!  But, the year ahead is full of more trials and tribulations, there are uncertainties, and I know what I'm getting into.  More challenges to face, risks to take, mistakes to make, lessons to be learned, so many idiosyncrasies, and flaws ; such is life, an adventure worth living.  Regardless of this milestone, I will be the same person tomorrow that I was today, consistence/persistence/perseverance matter to my well being, although, definitely experiencing life as I described in a post prior (even when I appear calm and composed); in 'double time, and in a much more unconventional and large capacity.  I probably go through what one individual goes through within the 2 years in 2 months' in technicolor images:)!

I do what is needed to take care of myself.  My high school years growing up were spent in the major hubs of Tokyo (Shibuya/Roppongi/Shinjuku/Harajuku/Hiroo/etc.), I'm enjoying another side of the city that's new to me:)  I've been there, done that, I still do that once in a while and have lots of fun, but I'm at a different place in my life now.  Come along with me and lets go explore some more:)

This piece I created is in Australia.

Thank you, truly,

Marie

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A Mixed Bag of Nuts!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY2WVBYcuvU

How is everyone feeling today!?  Coming to you from a place of genuine love and joy, this afternoon I was sent this youtube video; an interview with Paul Smith, that I identified deeply.  There are so many points he touch upon that resonated with me, so when you have some free time, please do check it out.

As I was ironing my shirts looking out the window with the leaves turning a spectrum of nickel azo yellow to green gold, with kids running around playing on the playground I was struck with this thought; each individual in life are ultimately 'alone' in the world, searching for an existential belonging, of meaning, purpose, reason, and love.  I truly appreciate these moments of clarity where I can BE, especially in such densely populated cities where stores try to out do each other with Christmas lights, trying to reach holiday targets, parties, constant social media and other devices connected, work, stresses, past scars and memories that need mending and/or treasuring.  

For some reason today I opted to listen to my classical playlist, as I felt it fitting and calmed my intense and sensitive nature.  I actually didn't plan on writing today, so this is completely improvised, if it comes across a bit disjointed I take full responsibility.  

Also, on my mind, what of being an introvert in a world that rewards extroversion?  Surprising as it may be to you, I am in fact very introverted and can be somewhat shy!  I observe, listen, and take in the full experiences, think and form my own opinions and thoughts (which can take some time and not always fully formed as I voice myself, which I'm often frustrated).  I've been brought up to be socially fluid, fitting into any social situation, but small talk can become unsatisfying after a while, do you ever find this?  How do I deal with introversion, I don't... I've come to terms with it, but give myself challenges, take risks, and put myself out there regardless.  A bit of a speed freak in those aspects, I guess (and not the amphetamine sort, lol).  I see these opposing anomalies within myself as fun games with which to challenge, discover, learn and gain proof.  I enjoy it and it keeps me constantly interested and interesting.  

Wow, this is truly a mixed bag of nuts today.  But such is my mind.  So naturally, next; 

Men, do women need or want?  I've gotta say 'want'.  I don't necessarily 'need' a man to live, but I definitely 'want' to share my life with someone, don't you?  (Obviously, as I speak it can go any which way in terms of sexes without discrimination).  Although I can't say for certain I won't 'need' a guy when there is a spider, esp for one who is a little arachnophobic... LOL!  Usually I get up the nerve with some... MAJOR, trepidation.  HAHAHA~  Men have that 'male-ness' that being female, I don't have, and I LOVE that about guys.  I just respect and appreciate that human aspect in the bigger picture of things.

Anyways it is starting to get a bit darker out, and I need to go cook some supper.  My winter clothes from Canada are finally starting to come in handy!  Stay warm and cozy:)  I hope I provided some entertainment to those who actually got through the blog post, hahaha~  Well, I enjoyed writing it, so, as always, sending positive wishes your way!!!

Oh and feeling a little festive, on my toes I've got nail polish by Ciate in 'Sharp Tailoring' with an accent of Kanebo Lunasol nail polish in 06 'Shining Gold'

http://www.ciate.co.uk/nails/colour/grey/sharp-tailoring

&

https://www.kanebo-cosmetics.jp/lunasol/product/details/pointmake/p0501004.html

*and yes, this is me being FESTIVE:)*  ("c'mon, it's chic!" says me.)

*SMILE*

-M

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The Unconventional Path

I need to de-clutter my mind before I do more writing for work, if you don't like reading a bit of ramble, you might want to leave now, although there maybe some pearls of wisdom in some of my thoughts and experiences you can relate.

How do you handle transitions in life?  

Realization #1, I know when I am ready for any huge transition in life, and I do so accordingly, BUT as I move and take on new challenges, take risks, try to smoothly incorporate into my new lifestyle with the many hurdles that come with change, I become vulnerable and there in lies my weakness.  

Stress, being tired, forgetting to take meds in the AM (as the ones I take at night can have a temporary amnesic side effect), and working too hard puts me on auto pilot, making me less grounded.  I HATE this ungrounded feeling as it makes me not my usual self; I get more emotional, come across needy, unsure, doubtful, and insecure.  I just end up doing and going and feeling, a blurry thing, whereafter my brain catches up and tries to rationalize.  When rationalizing and owning the experience, I often kick my self and second guess my actions (as I'm already feeling a bit vulnerable).  

Realization #2, during these times, I'm usually the last one to notice that I need my own space and time, to work through it and gain firm footing.  But after making mistakes, trial and error, and making a huge fool out of myself, I learn FAST and CHANGE the ways in which are unhealthy.  I do come out stronger and that much wiser for the unfortunate/fortunate circumstances.  Those whom I come in contact at these moments I truly feel for, as they've just encountered me dealing with my own 'scrap' (fight between, transitions, emotion, thought, life).  IF they stick around, they've experienced the worst of me and I will be forever grateful and respect their understanding, heart and broadmindedness.  I acknowledge my imperfections and am always trying to improve upon shortcomings.

Realization #3, I tend to do things double time, and in a much more unconventional and large capacity.  I probably go through what one individual goes through within the 2 years in 2 months (yup, it's only been 2 months since I started working in Tokyo).  This is the story of my life, I am unexpected and unconventional (imagine my parent's faces, every time, 'here we go again', LOL).  I've come to terms with the fact that balance is hard to come by, and I'd rather have the FULL life experience, nothing less.

Sonic the Hedgehog... 

Realization #4, I am far more capable than I allow myself to admit.  Discipline, determination, hard work, standards, expectations, I've mastered and have been ingrained in me since I could remember.  BUT positive encouragement, support, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, and acknowledgement to the SELF have always been a challenge, although I've come such a long way from the years I lived without hope, looked only to death for solutions, and strived for unattainable and irrational perfection.  When I think of those times, I know and believe from the bottom of my heart that anything/one is possible and capable of change.  I'm actually not much of an optimist, I am optimistic, but I come from a very scientific, research, and analytical place of reason and proof, where aspects are constantly challenged, tried, tested, and resolved.  

Realization #5, I'm far more driven and independent than I imagined.  There are some solid goals I 'will' reach.  I have direction and vision, also dream colorfully big.

  

Realization #6, I don't hold back, and although I may make a fool of myself, I make mistakes, fuck up extravagantly, I take responsibility for them, and learn, BUT I NEVER HAVE REGRETS (my grandfather's motto was to live without regrets).  Throw all the cards out on the table, see where they fall, deal with it honestly and completely.  Don't get me wrong, I still get heart ache, and 'duh, what the fuck was I thinking' thoughts, and 'I really messed up this time', but these drive me to be better, and more equipped in the future.  Everyone deserves second chances.

Human, yes.  Life, yes.  An adventure, yes.  Make mistakes, yes.  Learn, YES.  Try, always.  Imperfect, definitely!  IM OKAY WITH IT (^_^), yes.  Do I fear death, no.  Anything is possible.  

BIG HUGS,

Marie

Thank you for taking the time to stop by, you can subscribe to get updates if you would like, visit my website, http://www.marietomeoki.com Twitter: BeingMarieT  Youtube channel, http://www.youtube.com/user/beingmariet 

  

  

            

Calm in the City with a little Spark

The little moments that make you happy, what are they?

Inundated with deadlines, meetings, events, and errands, life full of exciting adventures can feel at times wearing, but I find the most joy in these moments of awareness that help to recharge and restore some equilibrium back in to my endurance pushing schedule.  

See, today I woke a bit early, a crow kept 'barking' outside my window; instead of thinking "shut the f*** up!", I was pleased with the existence of wildlife in a built up city.  I finished getting ready and put some music on, calm, quiet, peaceful before the rush-and-go at work; it's like being at the starting line on blocks before a 100 meter sprint, or warming up at the ballet barre before everyone else starts trailing into the studio.  You collect your thoughts, think of the steps you need to take to complete tasks during the day ahead, acknowledge the positive steps as well as crap ones you've taken, and just BE; it may sound a bit new-age-y but it's not.  I'm talking about being in the moment, being aware and checking in with yourself whenever you get the chance.  Living in the city can be exhausting and draining, you need some semblance of balance and calm.  If you can't get it within where else will you find it; in alcohol, in partying, chasing girls or guys, shopping, etc?  Don't get me wrong, those things are fun, I like doing those things too (although I'm not sure about chasing guys/girls), but they are a different kind of release and self restoration.  Maybe I'm just BORING, hahaha~  that word doesn't exist in my life, I'm never bored, as I entertain myself when I have time.  

Being human, and an individual you gotta appreciate all the levels, dimensions, and depth!  Can you believe!?  I LOVE IT!  These slight of energy and aura translate on a daily basis and touch those which you come in contact.  I hope to bring a little bit of sunshine or heart to another individual in the busy city:)  How else can we coexist?  

I'm feeling appreciative, forever grateful, grounded and quite alright~  I think that's a good thing, especially amongst all the challenge, craziness, and emotional, psychological, physical transitions I've experienced recently.

So, I'm writing this post this morning before work to BE:)  Sharing my love.  

I've also got devil horns with little feathery details for halloween this year; not a whole costume or anything but it makes me grin a not so innocent grin!!!  HA!!!  That is another occasion all together, right now I've got to focus on a whole lot of other things, but the playful side of myself always in reach.   

I've seen some costumes around the city, I like the free flowing self expression, keep it coming:)  

Hugs,
Marie       

Heart Broken in Tokyo

Okay, so I'm going to be a bit raw and more honest than usual in this post, I usually don't speak too much about that which is personal (ie. relationships), but I thought I would share for my own sake and for those who maybe going through similar situations; not about the relationship but about being heart broken in Tokyo.

Mackenzie Thorpe

I've given myself a one week timeline to really sulk, feel, cry, get angry, and literally be a mess (to a certain extent) after a long term relationship.  Its a roller coaster ride of emotions.  And NOTHING feels more lonely and claustrophobic than being in Tokyo when you are going through this, I can't emphasize this enough, as you've gotta get your ass out of bed in the early hours get ready and take the subway walk your way to work, sit at work, work your ass off, be exhausted, in an environment where you can't speak the language 100%, you've left everything you know that is safe, leaving your little treasure of a Cairn Terrier named Clover whom I miss like nothing else as she was there after my last major break up (relationship of 7 years, when I had just gotten her as a tiny 10 week old puppy) and has been through over 4 moves and so many life struggles. 

The first day, you end up going on the train realizing after 10 stops that you are going in the wrong freakin' direction, so you trek back, while you've got tears filling your eyes.  You end up leaving your iphone in the fridge, or running into strangers in the street as you are in this strange fugue.  It sucks big time!  

I also want to mention that I'm usually a strong individual (although I may not even notice at times), I've survived and fought/fight for life, so naturally I keep things to myself and don't share these things with others, trying to deal with them in my own time and ways that are healthy and work for me.  BUT, I'm in a completely new space, new environment, without my studio where I can express myself, paint, draw, etc to my hearts desire, or give myself a ballet class as space is very lacking in Tokyo, nor journal as I'm usually nodding off at the end of the day due to exhaustion.  Things are just so far removed that anything remotely shocking is a tidal wave.  

Although I must admit on the contrary, anything positive is that much more sweeter and appreciated.  

I'm actually quite surprised with how I have handled this though, I'm hanging on and am using the negative to propel me at work and keep me going.  I've learnt through all of my experiences to USE your inner turmoil into something constructive and more beautiful.  You work through it and use it, there is no other way.  I believe the way you live your life and perspective are art forms in themselves, much as there is art and creativity in business.  I also believe you are capable to love even deeper next time around.  

Yes, I feel that no one's ever going to love me again, who would be interested in me, I'm not good looking enough, and all those things that go through your mind post break up; but rationally I know it to be untrue.  I just hang in there, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forwards.

I think other than losing a close one due to death, heart break can be almost as taxing.  Stick a new corporate environment, in Tokyo on top and you've got yourself a shit sandwich!  I'm just kidding.  There are positives that come out of these situations and I'm sure I will gain from this as I have in the past.  I'm just please I get to be around amazing works of art as I journey, and am learning a hell of a lot along the way.

DON'T HOLD BACK.  LIVE COMPLETELY AND FULLY.  DON'T EVER BE AFRAID OF LOVE.

It gets better.  Hang in there.  NEVER GIVE UP.  There is always hope and love to be shared.

Thanks for listening, I needed to get that out of me, anything that helps, do it!  

Hugs,

Marie