Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Court is stressful

Yesterday I went back to the landlord and tenant court to face the greed filled green eyed lying monsters to settle the matter of last months rent.  This 'event' is stressful to say the least.  Last time I got a full body rash/welts from the stress, and this time I am left sore, drained, disgusted by the wife who made elaborate accusations, and eye stye, head ache, and restless sleep.  For any normal human being this kind of thing is stressful, for a chronic depressive with major anxiety is extremely difficult.  I am trying to recover from the experience and thank goodness I don't have to go back, and this part of the legal matter is being settled.  

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Life Lessons

I've had many life lessons throughout my life and many marking major developmental stages in my becoming who I am today.  

I am once again faced with another lesson, challenge, awareness.  The man I live with has a wonderful most amazing hearted warm mum across the Atlantic and she has not been well lately.  I believe this is her second fight with cancer, an all too familiar intruder; unwelcome, unsettling, sneaky, and dark.  Both of my grandfathers have fought the battle as well as my grandmother and they rest in peace now.  I know his mum must be fighting another battle to the death (excuse me for the phrasing).  But why is death perceived so finite, the end all and be all to us living folk?  I do not see it in those terms as to me death is another passing, another journey, a new beginning, a different experience, something beyond what is physical and that which is determined living.  I believe all is relative and these imbedded ideas are perceptions and I know for fact I do not know all matters.  I am not afraid of death (it is a cliche statement to make but it is true to me), I am rather curious and wondering.  No matter whom have passed I believe and still feel them as close to my heart as they were in living flesh and blood; maybe a deeper connection due to circumstances like distance for instance.  

Loss is huge, grieving is no joke, it is an immensely life shifting experience which I do not wish on anyone or living thing, it affects and effects all that's around and creates a wave.  It is painful, exhausting, stressful, confusing, mind boggling and all sorts but the lessons in life are passed on even as organisms die they decay and regenerate, as such deaths in our lives can create positive  change, discoveries, increased knowledge in the world in ourselves in others, revelations, hope, belief, drive, courage, and many other things unseen.  Maybe I am an optimist, or I rather face forwards than back, positive than negative, I believe there is reason and meaning in all experience.  I have learned from my experiences in life and I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for those events happenings in my journey.  I am a greater person for even the most painful of experiences; they have made me stronger more resilient and unwilling to give up.  Well, I'm rambling but this is about my person I live with and seeing him react to his mothers condition and how it affects him so so dearly.  

I have met many people in my life but this individual is unlike any other; never have I experienced being with someone with such good intentioned, clear, clean, pure of heart, soft and warm like glowing sunshine that embraces you.  What a great unexpected surprise in the world we live in these days.  Eyes beaming blue bright energy and presence that moves everyone and makes them feel welcome and accepted.  He is not an angel but a person and he is not perfect either.  I can only watch and be there for him the best I can, hold his hand, to listen, to hear, to be for what he is going through I do not have any control or power.  I am at a loss, his heart ache I can feel and his puppy like blue eyes just fill with crystal clear water, all I can do is try to catch his tears and be right next to him.  

He makes me a stronger person, teaches me when he doesn't even know it, I never miss a glance, expression or gesture, each moment is too important and precious I will not allow anything to fog the experience.  So I am being taught life lessons all the time and everything has an affect on me somehow, I am super sensitive, intuitive and in tune with the fine chords of life.  Sometimes this makes it more difficult but I believe it is for the better.  I am only grateful. 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Random input

So here I am facing my laptop again pondering about my wee little space of comfort that I take along with me wherever I travel; me myself and I, and a few essentials.  It takes a long long time for me to settle into any one place, and I don't think I have ever had the opportunity to actually settle or grow roots.  So instead of place or environment or stuff I grew roots with in me and started researching and collecting vital information about who I am as a person and the inner workings of an individual.  I love psychology, analyzing the multi dimensional layers that complicate everything about existing, I think it fascinating and enriching.  So naturally I would believe I would be sane and well rounded but this is not so the case.  I am forever tweaking, fixing, fine tuning, balancing, trying, undoing, changing, evolving, progressing, plateauing, pacing the complex machine and it is frustrating but an adventure none the less.  I am determined I will be satisfied and to some extent I am in every moment as I try to live in the now, but distractions flood the discipline of being in the present and float me elsewhere.  It is very hard to come back from wherever I floated off to, as well as tuning into the moment again.  It is a frustrating world.  I believe being an artist in this day in age is filled with obstacles but then again there was more resistance back in the day so I can't really say, but maybe it would be more simple, or easier living next to an ocean, calm and peaceful without the clutter of city life, to listen to the self, be able to reflect and not so distracted as I am and find myself more often.  

I do have a dear ol' head ache again and the muscles that keep my eyes open hurt so I may have to end this here but I will write again, my random thoughts.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Oomph up your nails!

So I changed up my nail look by putting copper pearl CND effects on top of my asphalt.  It creates a very smokey beautiful finish that looks red, pink, purple and copper under different light and angles.  There is so much dimension when layering colors, wether it be nails, make up, paint, anything I love layering effects.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

CND Nail Polish in Asphalt

Yesterday I decided to try my CND nail polish in Asphalt.  It is a quite a dark grey.  It goes on creamy and dries to a nice shine.  As with all dark nail polishes it can be a pain painting the color on, but you'll get used to it after a few tries.  

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Positive Affirmations

I was deep in thought more so than usual today.  It was a cloudy cold quiet day.  Yesterday everyone was walking around in a T-shirt and today back again in winter coats; that is the climate here for you.  It was a good day for listening.  

This is what I wrote in my journal; 

Change is possible.  I will make a difference.  I can make a difference.  Change is gradual.  Act today.  BE.

For the last year or so since the dreadful happenings in 2009 I have been watching videos on YouTube, and in particular make up tutorials by beauty gurus and their insights into the art of make up.  Usually this would not alarm anyone or think it unusual but for a girl who grew up preferring blue over pink, power rangers over barbie, discovering every nook and cranny while in nature, and discovering only at age 13 that there was such things as shaving legs or that females are supposed to wear bras, I was taken aback.  Where did this come from?  

2009 started with a horrific flood in a newly renovated house lease which I had papers signed for and a space I could put my things a week ahead of the actual move in date.  The day before moving in I walk into a first floor bathroom fountain of water gushing out of some pipe, at least a few inches of water in the first floor drenching, yes, all of my major furniture, boxes and other possessions I had already transferred, the stairs to the finished basement cascading with water and more of it like the Niagara Falls.  I think I was knee deep in water when I went down to discover most of the art work I had painstakingly placed in the basement, floating.  The ceilings were caved in the dry wall was crumbling around me, the electrical was exposed, it was traumatic.  None the less I drudged through the ice cold water as this was in the February of Canadian winter just hooking up my pieces of art work and trying to save what was left of it.  

Okay, so to keep the story short my boyfriend and I ended up in my parent's condo living room floor sleeping on some blankets gathered together with a few of our belongings, and this whole fiasco turned into a law suite which is still unresolved with the land lord.  So, this was stressful.

To make matters worse the family Golden Retriever was suddenly diagnosed with cancer only at 9 years of age and passed away shortly after.  She took her last breath at home with the family all around her.  The nature of our canine will forever amaze and move me.

My grandmother was also diagnosed with cancer around this time for which she got treatment that helped for some time but eventually got worse half a year later and passed away.  This was another loss in the same year not including the emotional and psychological losses.

My parents were also dealing with a very serious situation with my brother being involved with the law.  This only ended as the flood happened.

Then the never ending search for a new lease property as we waited to hear from the land lord about the progress of the renovation; which we never got an exact date for moving in or really any care or humanity.  I only then realized the true nature of greed when people's eyes light up green and get nasty!

So I had no place to call my own.  Nowhere to settle or even feel safe and comfortable.  I ended up turning to the computer for a sense of relief, control, and a pinch of ease I guess.  This is how I started being interested in these videos.  I am also an artist and needed some sense of creativity, color, texture, and stimulation.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Marrakesh Oil

Marrakesh Oil by Earthly Body, hemp based hair care is working wonders for my hair.  Has a divine scent like vanilla sugar and melts into your hair without leaving any oily residue.  Only need a tiny bit and I massage it through my hair after being towel dried then blow dry.  Tangle free, shiny, silky, stronger and healthier hair.  Which reminds me I need to get a hair cut ASAP.  It is so long and I find it hard to manage.

My stubborn rash is fading and slowly getting better.  I am still taking the disgusting syrup the doctor gave as well as applying the prescribed lotion.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

CND Nail Polish

I have been very impressed with my recent experience with CND nail polishes.  The one I have on today is called Rose Bisque the color looks more nude in person.  It goes on creamy smooth like the other opaque CND formulas.  I find this color elongates my fingers, goes well with any kind of clothing and is very chic without it looking like a typical nude nail.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Under medication and being bored.

Me when I am bored...

For the last two weeks I have been under some anti histamine medications that are making me super drowsy and totally woozie~ I've had this annoying rash; it started out as a little patch, then it just started to accelerate and now it is a full force bacteria in petri dish kind of deal all over my body!!! So I am putting on this lotion every day which makes me into a sticky goopy mess, on top of which since I can not wear any deodorant I won't even go there... I am not feeling all myself lately and am in a floaty cloudy place. There are a few things that I have discovered; I need to get my creativity out some how don't I?! Nail polish colours are beautiful I realized. And I have gotten a few that I want to share with everyone! But how do I put up pictures on blogs? I am so backwards; I like snail mail!

CND Poppy Field

Monday, March 15, 2010

So, today I decided to start blogging.
What to blog about?...