Saturday, December 28, 2013

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

The above quote I put up in 2006, I still have pinned to my bulletin board in front of me right now, albeit a bit faded from sun exposure.  

(I'm just recording this moment for me, so if you aren't interested, leave now).

WOOOOWWW!!!  I will never be able to describe this overwhelming sensation I am experiencing right now; I get tears filling my eyes just thinking about it.

My dad gave me a tear drop pendant necklace after my near fatal struggles about 10 years ago, telling me this is for tears of joy, and not for the hardships in life nor lack of hope.  I didn't really know what that felt like, but I can tell you, my tears (as I bawl away) right now are of joy and pure grateful appreciation.  It just fills my heart.  

I understand only I can fully grasp the enormity of this milestone; the last day of work in 2013.  You nor anyone else may well let it go over your/their head(s), but I am fully aware of my own achievements and the weight of the meaning it holds for me personally.  My parents, my brother, and Patti know as they were there with me through death and back.

This is what's on the wall above my desk now.

I realize that revisiting, and taking the HUGE risk of making the move to Tokyo was something that I HAD TO DO, for me;
-to realize my potential.
-to overcome challenges.
-to challenge and push my limits.
-to face my fears.
-relive and face demons from past (probably the scariest and hardest thing to do, as the last time I was here, 13 years ago, I left many unresolved and unfinished loose ends.  I left completely shattered, lost, ill beyond words, dying, hopeless, and embracing death, and that was only at the start of the decent).
-to prove to myself that I can and could.  
Probably the most difficult challenge I've put myself through, I knew in my gut that I was ready when I decided to make the transition.  

BUT I DID IT.  And if I were to die right now, I can completely and confidently say I don't regret any of it, and lived a life worth living, I fought the fight and survived, a better individual.  

This is a milestone.  ALL OF IT was WORTH EVERY MOMENT.  This is where I get my exuberance, heart and drive, an outlook to life that is special to me that I hold close to my heart.  

I am an INTENSE person, I know, and some people can't handle it, but I know no other way to be.  It is the FULL life experience.  *I'm bawling as I've got a big smile on my face, oh the contradiction!, the story of my life... darn Gemini*

This feeling, the overflowing sensation of gratitude, honor, and pure appreciation, I am lost for words!  Thank you.  

"oh my gosh, I can't believe I did it!!!", I am proud of myself (^_^), and I don't say this often or acknowledge it, ever.

I wish I had someone to share this with in person, but I shall cry my tears of joy, embrace it, and BE in the moment.

I believed in my heart and soul that I did the right thing, and I wasn't mistaken.  This is proof enough, !!!ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!  I can't stress this enough.

I don't lie when I say; I DETEST

LOL!  But, the year ahead is full of more trials and tribulations, there are uncertainties, and I know what I'm getting into.  More challenges to face, risks to take, mistakes to make, lessons to be learned, so many idiosyncrasies, and flaws ; such is life, an adventure worth living.  Regardless of this milestone, I will be the same person tomorrow that I was today, consistence/persistence/perseverance matter to my well being, although, definitely experiencing life as I described in a post prior (even when I appear calm and composed); in 'double time, and in a much more unconventional and large capacity.  I probably go through what one individual goes through within the 2 years in 2 months' in technicolor images:)!

I do what is needed to take care of myself.  My high school years growing up were spent in the major hubs of Tokyo (Shibuya/Roppongi/Shinjuku/Harajuku/Hiroo/etc.), I'm enjoying another side of the city that's new to me:)  I've been there, done that, I still do that once in a while and have lots of fun, but I'm at a different place in my life now.  Come along with me and lets go explore some more:)

This piece I created is in Australia.

Thank you, truly,

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Monday, December 9, 2013

A Mixed Bag of Nuts!

How is everyone feeling today!?  Coming to you from a place of genuine love and joy, this afternoon I was sent this youtube video; an interview with Paul Smith, that I identified deeply.  There are so many points he touch upon that resonated with me, so when you have some free time, please do check it out.

As I was ironing my shirts looking out the window with the leaves turning a spectrum of nickel azo yellow to green gold, with kids running around playing on the playground I was struck with this thought; each individual in life are ultimately 'alone' in the world, searching for an existential belonging, of meaning, purpose, reason, and love.  I truly appreciate these moments of clarity where I can BE, especially in such densely populated cities where stores try to out do each other with Christmas lights, trying to reach holiday targets, parties, constant social media and other devices connected, work, stresses, past scars and memories that need mending and/or treasuring.  

For some reason today I opted to listen to my classical playlist, as I felt it fitting and calmed my intense and sensitive nature.  I actually didn't plan on writing today, so this is completely improvised, if it comes across a bit disjointed I take full responsibility.  

Also, on my mind, what of being an introvert in a world that rewards extroversion?  Surprising as it may be to you, I am in fact very introverted and can be somewhat shy!  I observe, listen, and take in the full experiences, think and form my own opinions and thoughts (which can take some time and not always fully formed as I voice myself, which I'm often frustrated).  I've been brought up to be socially fluid, fitting into any social situation, but small talk can become unsatisfying after a while, do you ever find this?  How do I deal with introversion, I don't... I've come to terms with it, but give myself challenges, take risks, and put myself out there regardless.  A bit of a speed freak in those aspects, I guess (and not the amphetamine sort, lol).  I see these opposing anomalies within myself as fun games with which to challenge, discover, learn and gain proof.  I enjoy it and it keeps me constantly interested and interesting.  

Wow, this is truly a mixed bag of nuts today.  But such is my mind.  So naturally, next; 
Men, do women need or want?  I've gotta say 'want'.  I don't necessarily 'need' a man to live, but I definitely 'want' to share my life with someone, don't you?  (Obviously, as I speak it can go any which way in terms of sexes without discrimination).  Although I can't say for certain I won't 'need' a guy when there is a spider, esp for one who is a little arachnophobic... LOL!  Usually I get up the nerve with some... MAJOR, trepidation.  HAHAHA~  Men have that 'male-ness' that being female, I don't have, and I LOVE that about guys.  I just respect and appreciate that human aspect in the bigger picture of things.

Anyways it is starting to get a bit darker out, and I need to go cook some supper.  My winter clothes from Canada are finally starting to come in handy!  Stay warm and cozy:)  I hope I provided some entertainment to those who actually got through the blog post, hahaha~  Well, I enjoyed writing it, so, as always, sending positive wishes your way!!!

Oh and feeling a little festive, on my toes I've got nail polish by Ciate in 'Sharp Tailoring' with an accent of Kanebo Lunasol nail polish in 06 'Shining Gold'


*and yes, this is me being FESTIVE:)*  ("c'mon, it's chic!" says me.)


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