Thursday, April 30, 2015


How am I supposed to start packing for Toronto when I've got this face staring at me...
I can't take her with me as my new place doesn't allow animals(;_;) she knows when the suit cases start coming out that I will be leaving, and it breaks my heart every time.  Next place I move will have to permit pets (before she gets too old as she is already 10), shall miss her terribly.

There were a few points I wanted to discuss; about uncertainty and fear, also what brought me back from the dire situation I was in during my late teens and into my twenties, as well as what it is that drives me to constantly be better, and leading an exuberant, truly remarkable life.

This is true, scientist or otherwise, but that initial step to wonder, uncovering curiosity by taking the risk to make experiments happen, and to discover their results, takes a huge amount of gumption and courage.  The following is an amazing quote that I love:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”  

-Theodore Roosevelt

Along the lines of daring greatly, I've recently been working on this ad nauseam, and one that is extremely challenging:

"The quality of you life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with."
-Tony Robbins

Regardless, I charge forwards fighting my battles as they arise on this journey I call life.  I don't think I can explain or describe in words how scary it is to be in these situations of uncertainty and not knowing.  I am afraid, but then again this immense fear is one of the main factors responsible for where I am now and that propels me further.  I have large dreams, but my fears are that much bigger.
The fears that keep me going?  What I fear more than not trying?

-I am more afraid of living with regrets, and the should've/could've/would've/ifs and buts.
-I am more afraid of the depths of depression and my experience of hell.  (here's a piece I did when I wasn't so well, from over 12 years ago... piece I have never shared publicly, and to this day difficult to look at, but my experience of true hell is even more sinister and darker still, existing on the other side of death).
-I am more afraid of lacking sensations, not feeling, and the inability to think; this happens when you are so starved of nutrition and so far gone in the throws of illness/disorder that you literally lose your mind, and your body starts cannibalising its own organs.
-I am more afraid of inaction, complacence, and mediocrity.
-I am more afraid of the unforgiving nature, and inner critic that will haunt my consciousness for being dishonest, inauthentic, and not facing challenges head on.

Those are a few things I am more afraid of than the fears of daring greatly, and being outside my comfort zones. What are yours?  

Along with that, prepare for and put in gut-wrenching hard work; as I was packing up my books, I realised the sheer NUMBER and amount of studying I did in order to get myself better, and the process it took to get my life back.  The extent of effort was not of this world!  I'm going to have an unconventional library along my new living room wall.  

Sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves, acknowledge the strides we've made, and the fact that our being is near miraculous.  The potential within us all is far greater than we can comprehend.  The strength to endure, to get through hellish circumstances and hardships, to succeed in marked progress are deep within us; we just need to promise ourselves to never give up, and keep trying. When in need reach out and ask for help (professional or otherwise), believe in possibilities, and lean on love.

LEAN ON LOVE by Mackenzie Thorpe 
(I'd like to one day own an original of his, images of this piece along with others in a leaflet has hung above my work area since I first encountered them in a Sausalito, CA gallery a decade ago, it has such meaning and significance to me)

They do and will come true, I can say this from experience.  

Monday, April 13, 2015

Down Memory Lane: Uncovered Notes from a First Love

As I was sorting out and packing up all of the books for my move, I came across two somewhat neatly folded pieces of notebook paper shoved into the pages; a walk down memory lane, of my first love.

The sophistication and detail of the letters, of a 6th grader (so around 11/12, although I think he may have been 13) is quite impressive!  He must have gotten a lot of his English class writing practice from these notes; I can say this, as I remember he was the most popular boy in the grade, with a black belt in karate too(!), whoa, hahaha (yeah right... in the middle of the cornfields in Indiana, highly unlikely), and a smooth operator with the girls, before he got in with the not-so-great, monster truck loving, pill popping, smoking, high/stoned crowds later on as we became teenagers.  I was the new kid on the block, moving in from the suburbs of Detroit MI, I looked different in a predominantly caucasian environment, and from an apparently stable home life (to put the situation into context; the headquarters of the KKK were in the county or township adjacent to ours, and the area was well known for having the earliest and highest percentage of pre-teen/teenage pregnancies, and my hand was one of the only ones in the class raised, as we were asked about parents whom were still together).

I was oblivious to any of the realities of life, I was still a kid who was maybe only beginning to get out of the 'boys have cooties' phase; I remember to this day, as he was 'asking me out' during recess, out on the school field/playground, my response was 'ummm, I'm not sure if I can, I have to ask my mom first, I'll let you know later', and the group of boys and girls stood and stared at me like I was from another planet... I mean how was I supposed to know!?  And back then, I used to turn literally bright red in the face when put in embarrassing or 'on the spot' situations, so you could imagine the caliber of red I was turning!  

But there is such innocence, and honesty in the letters, it warms your heart, with even a bit of drama, that I find so adorable!  I mean you'd be hard pressed to find a man these days putting his whole heart on the line in this manner; well, such is growing up and becoming adults with responsibilities and other aspects to consider.  

I do remember the soul crushing heart break I was in after the umpteenth phone conversation when we 'broke up'; I cried, like the little girl that I was.  I didn't go out with anyone after that until I was 16 as I focused on my classical ballet career goals, another move back to a completely different environment that was an all girls Catholic private international school in Tokyo; a 180 from the public school system in the county an hour south of Indianapolis.
Maybe this will conjure up your experience of firsts in love, down memory lane.


Friday, April 10, 2015

Not Knowing, Holding Patterns and Feeling Perplexed

This year has been one full of transitions, uncertainties, and circumstances that have challenged my patience (I am extremely tolerant, but patient; not so much...), and as I prepare to move to Toronto I am at once excited, apprehensive, and curious.  Where to next, life?

BRING IT ON!!!  Am all in.  Which brings me to another point I've been wondering about recently... I have never done things half way, or 'just cuz', and as I approach a place in my life where I do like the comforts of life, I am faced with a looming 'will I have to back off on an area of passion to compensate for the other as we only have 24 hours a day and 7 days a week' in order to maintain this 'comfort(s) in life'?  The Gemini in me stirs as I am faced with limitations; I weigh out the options as I begin scheduling the many meetings that will take place once moved into my new 'home base', from May 1st.  Having been cooped up in Detroit suburbia, I am more than ready to be back in the city and continue moving forwards, making things happen.  

For me personally, there is significance in

...wether it be in the arts, mental healthcare, or wherever else.

But there will always be that uncertainty, that fear that creeps back in, or the





by living each and every moment authentically without regrets. 

Honestly, right now I am feeling; perplexed~  That's where I'm at, again, a