Friday, April 30, 2010

Bold Lip and Heels

As I went around doing errands today I noticed girls pulling out their trendy summer fashions and looks.  I wonder if the weather will stay this warm or if it's only a precursor to a shower.  

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dance Channel TV Community Blog

I will be blogging about my thoughts and feelings from my past dance experience on the Dance Channel TV Community.  I believe there are some important issues that need to be discussed and brought to the surface; influence of different techniques on dancers, cross cultural aspects in dance, health and well being, mental health of dancers, and various things pertaining the overall world of dance.  So if you are interested please check it out.  I will start posting as soon as possible.

I want to thank Arsen Serobian for introducing me to the site and opportunity to blog.


I HATE spiders!!!  Arachnophobia has a place here!!!  But I thought the little thing was worth an in depth close up.  'Tis like a miniature tarantula although I believe it is just a grown version of a jumping spider, with leg hairs, eyes, and coloring.  Since it is fuzzy and larger than the usual condo spider I feel killing it would be too cruel; right now it is just sitting under a cup in my kitchen counter top as I can not make myself move the darn thing (just the mere possibility of escape and getting out is unbearable).  This is probably one of the rare things I need a man for; spiders.  They exist and happen in the world and they are everywhere, highly adapted and evolved, amazing!  This one's eye sight must be so accurate as it faces me and follows every move I make; yes, it creeps the living day lights out of me and makes every hair on my body stand on edge but the organism deserves some credit.  I think I will take it out with me and let it go outside when I take Clover out for a walk.  But oh the thought of trying to put it in another baggie or container is making me anxious.  HooOLy CrAp!~  Although the fuzziness and its advanced capabilities (the little dudes character) may have saved his spindles this time, I still despise spiders and am highly arachnophobic so there lies no mercy!  Okay, now I got to go figure out how to transplant him to a better suited environment; outside!  

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Boogie and Grow

As you Boogie through life you Grow!  



Photos from the past; when I got bangs!!! yikes...

I went to my hair stylist one day and told him I wanted something really different; I haven't had bangs since I was about 3 years old as my hair always needed to be up in a bun for ballet and out of my face, so I went for it... and not some wispy bangs but thick bold bangs.  

Gary is does my hair and has been doing my hair for a long time now and he is the best; ask for Gary at Vivace Salon in Yorkville.  He is a wonderful person, with a whole lot of experience!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

A change in studio space...

So I felt a bit claustrophobic in my 'studio', and I felt I needed BREATHING SPACE so I decided to do some interior mixing around so now I am working on my art pieces in the living room.  Oh and everything is a bit backwards as I shot this on my MacBookPro built in camera.  The quality is not the best and I hope to make a video sometime with updates on my art pieces.  *SMILE*


Okay, I was able to get a shot of Clover while she was sleeping today!!!  It is extremely hard to get photos of her when she is just relaxing as she is so hyper aware and sensitive, tuned into everything.  

She is a pure bred champion pedigree  5 year old  Cairn Terrier, from a very reputable breeder in Ontario Canada.

She is such a character, and chose me when I visited the breeder, she is just so funny, her little quirks.  She is actually much like me.  

Being a terrier she is very alert, intelligent, wagging tail happy and full of energy.  When you allow a cairn into your life you never go back, I've had cairns all my life as have my mom's side of the family when she was growing up.  

But Clover is my little treasure, bundle of joy, a sweetie at heart and can't ask for a better canine companion.

Still with Mommy and her sisters (all 6 girls!) at the breeders.

Her first few weeks home.

Clover now:)

Butter London Nail Varnish

Butter London nail polish color in Swinger.  I am not the biggest fans of this brand as you need a flawlessly smooth base coat or nails to get a nice looking finish.  All flaws seem to show through and they can get many air bubbles if not careful when shaking bottle.

But I love the color.  The color comes out so inaccurate here but it is an antiqued toned down gold champaign color which is lovely on my skin tone.  I wish it were easier to work with as it is a frosty/metallic finish.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Another transformative step.

Oh gosh, it is late, why am I starting to sleep late again!!!???  UGGGHHHH, NOT GOOD.  Tomorrow back into sleeping early routine.  

So I will try to keep this short.  Also I have taken my sleepy meds so if I do not make sense or my grammar is crap, please excuse me.

So a few weeks back unexpectedly my boyfriend left for Southbourne, Bournemouth, Dorset, UK as his mum became very ill with a rare and lethal form of cancer.  This was devastating news to both of us.  So he left without a returning flight date.  

For the last months I have been steadily declining in terms of my depression and anxiety; my daily functioning very limited, unhealthy negative cycles, feeling very low uninspired exhausted emotionally psychologically and physically.  

Chronic depression and major anxiety disorders are only understandable if you have experienced them first hand.  They are invisible but incredibly disabling.  Whomever I meet have/has always been a surprise to hear of me having had such life experiences and that I live with disabilities. 

I am not what I seem, never judge a book by its cover, never under estimate who I am.  

I am a firecracker I have been told, I am grounded, very honest, determined, wise, and all whole load of other things as individuals usually are; but I am probably extreme when it comes to unexpected surprising unlikely 'huh, what!?' sort of experiences I have been through as well as who I am.  

I am also a Gemini which makes me dualistic in nature and a bit like Tinker Bell; many sides to that little creature.  

Anyways back to this transformative step.  My boyfriend left for England and I was stuck here with Clover my Cairn Terrier, alone, and very unsure of how I was to cope with this new situation.  

I slowly but surely started going out; I had to take Clover out for #1 and #2, go grocery shop, go get dog food, take the TTC, walk, and just get out in general, and things everyone else does without a thought.  For a person who is highly agoraphobic and struggles with anxiety disorders and depression, the smallest things are HUGE, VERY DIFFICULT, EXTREMELY TAXING, and most impossible.  

The preparation I go through just to get to hip hop class is enormous and very long, and sometimes even after all the preparation I end up not being able to go, so I keep on trying, next one will be better, another chance, another step, another opportunity.  This goes for not only hip hop classes but for going to my therapy sessions, grocery shopping, getting out the front door, taking the recycling down, and all these things everyone takes for granted and does without problem or thinking.  

This month I signed up for hip hop (I needed a challenge and a risk to face, to overcome, to set and reach goals), and I was amazed and proud of myself for BEING ABLE to attend (and those who know me will know the issues I have with getting back into any kind of dance studio mirrors etc from the past).  

I set myself a reachable goal of three classes this month and on Monday I took my third class (although my perfectionism and hard as hell on myself ways are telling me that as I was late to Mondays class it doesn't count, but I know myself how honestly and seriously difficult it was for me to get myself there, so I need to give myself some credit and not be so hard on myself).  

I can not believe it.  I can not tell you how grateful and appreciative I am for Shawn being there to give opportunities like hip hop classes for people like me.  Words can not express the meaning and significance this has in my life.  I am still in shock, I did it.  I am acknowledging my accomplishing my goal and being proud of myself for this courageous step.  

By the way, it is close to impossible for me to acknowledge and be kind to myself, as I am probably the harshest, meanest most critical and my own worst enemy.  I am trying to change this as I believe I have been given a miracle another chance at life (when I had my most fatal over dose a long while ago as well as the many years I played with death and teetered on the cliffs edge every moment) to exist on earth responsibly and for a reason and purpose, I did not die.  I believe in miracles and there must be something in this life I need to do or be as I still exist.  

For the time I am here on earth and alive, I will make the most of it, and truly live life to the fullest.  My determination and discipline, drive, ambition, courage, guts, will, and total unfailing compassion, humanity, exuberance, fascination, curiosity, care and love, devotion to improvement of self and betterment of the world are solid goals I will reach and my life will journey.  

Okay, now I need to sleep as my sleepy meds are just starting to jumble words and things in my brain.  So good night and SWEET DREAMS!!!!  

Dreams are within reach and can be reached!

I went outside, I got out and saw people on bikes, and the new greens starting to sprout, the sun, and the cars emitting their CO2.  

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


My depiction of the experience with the landlords who turned into green eyed lying monsters once things turned legal.  


This month has been groundbreaking for me from many perspectives and let me share my little but monumental steps with you.  

For my chronic depression I was taking 450 mgs of Effexor XR (antidepressant/anti-anxiety), this was the amount initially prescribed to me to get me out of the deepest, darkest and most suicidal times; this was over a few years back.  My brain has been on Effexor XR for about ten years approximately, on and off as I went through the process of trial and error of most medications out there, but this one was most constant.  

Being on a medication for so long and might I add, one that has not been fully and completely researched through generation and generation with solid results as this is a fairly newer product is unsettling to say the least!  My scientific self touts it not rational.  But my life was on the line when I was in deep despair back then.  

Last year beginning of 2009 I decided to move out of the condo I was living in as I thought a larger space to do my art would be a positive progressive step.  I did not though expect this transition to become SHIT TRULY HIT THE FAN experience which ensued.  HORRIFIC was 2009.  I had lost all of what I had gained from militaristic effort and sheer determination, positive thinking, healthy and well being focused life created for myself from the year or so of owning my life, my space, my self.  

Yesterday I heard myself say to my therapist; "I seriously did not think I could and would ever be as healthy as I was at College Park (the condo I was living in downtown, Bay and College)".  This year has stripped me of all sense of self, comfort, safety, security, trust, believing, owning, progress, stability, and of all of my senses.  My life was put on hold.  I stopped listening to music, I stopped watching my beloved classical ballet and most recent creative dance world DVDs, my paint dried out, my journals; written and drawn ceased, dancing around for fun pirouetted out the window, smiles and laughs too few, many tears, numerous times I questioned hope, belief, strength within, myself and life.  I did not realize how significantly affected I was until now.  I was walking on very thin and dangerous grounds; either of having to go back into hospital or begin having suicidal thoughts, urge to hurt myself, or going further into the abyss of depression, losing relations, losing myself.  

On top of the flood that opened 2009, the landlords who turned into green eyed greedy monsters who I am still struggling to solve a legal dispute, living on the floor of my parent's condo, finding a new place which was not ideal at all, my body started failing on me.  I thought as always it must be a symptom of the depression but this time I had a different gut feeling and sensations that were definitely without doubt physical; heart arrhythmia, extreme temperature fluctuations, lack of energy, constant fatigue, muscle spasms, dizziness, fainting spells, light headedness, foggy mind, loss of short term memory, sluggishness, and the list goes on... in the end the doctors and we all concluded it was the Effexor XR and its ridiculously high dosage I was on.  By the way this dosage is usually given to physically healthy mid age grow men; I am not grown man, neither was I physically healthy (from all the damage from my eating disorder, overdoses, years and years of abuse from classical ballet training, etc), and I'm like this little pixie thing of a creature.  SO no wonder I was having physical symptoms!  

I need to warn anyone thinking of taking Effexor or Effexor XR to really think again as there are many other medications out there and this one is not necessarily the best one; Effexor has huge side effects, ridiculously awful and deadly withdrawal effects, it is one powerful sucker... AND if you are planning on going on a cocktail with already existing meds or with other medications, I highly highly recommend you getting a second opinion or another mode of treatment (as from experience the effects will only worsen and make brain functioning very complicated).  The physical effects of taking and coming off Effexor XR is just not worth it in my opinion.  

I have been lowering my dosage 37.5 mgs every month now for the last how many months and right now I am down to 300 mgs from 475 mgs and physically I am starting to feel a bit better but in terms of depression, there is just an 'unknown' so at the moment I am keeping it steady at 300 mgs as I feel most safe.  


The medication is only one of the many things that have been significant this month, and although I started out saying I would list them all, well, another time will do as life is too full an adventure and words too few as are minutes, and my eyes and fingers are tired of the computer.  

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Clorox Disinfecting Wipes canister design

A while back there was a Clorox Disinfecting Wipes canister design contest, and I thought about uploading a design.  As I further researched the brand character and other already designed products I realized my art would not be the greatest fit as most of the designs were very simple repetitive patterned typical boring and for the masses.  But I did get inspired to do a design on my own any ways.  

I looked at different kind of germs and bacteria and made them more colorful, fun, not so infectious (in a bad way).

They are kind of cute now that I look at it.  The pictures are much better represented in person, the image unfortunately is not the most accurate; the colors are much more vivid and dynamic.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Laundry mess...

The other day my brother came to do his laundry at my place.  This would be fine if he would just use the darn thing with some respect!!!  

First I was looking all over for my clean clothes, which he ended up sticking back into the washing machine.  Why can't he just tell me about it when he came to put his laundry in the washing so I could have folded it got it over with.  

Next, after rewashing my already clean clothes I find the two dryer fabric softeners still in there!!!  On top of which I also find a lighter!?  So I'm sniffing mad to see if my clothes are drenched in lighter fluid or not... 

Oh, and after doing such a huge load of laundry it is normal to have lint in the filter, did he clean or remove the lint and dust in the filter?  NO!  

I am not sure if I will allow him to do his laundry at my place after this incident, what a waste of energy, money, and agro!  If he puts up a fight when I hesitate and let him know that he is not welcome to do his laundry at my place then I will have this post to show for!  I am so angry.

(I'll) Miss You

Have you traveled, moved, or had an experience of leaving, being left, or loss related to transitions and changes in life?

Ever since I was 1 years old I have experienced travel.  Some may think it a novelty, an opportunity, a way of life, something out of the ordinary.  I am not sure as of now as transportation is readily accessible, but only twenty or so odd years ago it was still not something people did as a lifestyle or on a regular basis.  

Within the psychology of a small youngster any change in routine is ground shaking, any close person leaving is traumatic, arriving in new places totally shocking.  The little person sees their world from their own independent lens, everything happens in 'first person' perspective.  So for example although someone may be transfered to a different location due to a job, the little person sees her or himself as being left; then it goes onto 'what did I do to make them leave and I must have done something bad' and so forth.  

Adults in this situation see it as it really is as a job transfer or any reality in life, but developmentally the little person does not have the cognitive ability to comprehend all of the advanced sophisticated information yet.  Again, remember their world is all them re: me, I, singular personal perspective.

So experiencing all of this movement in my early life automatically, (sort of like an out of the factory base model software), conditioned my brain, senses, body and all to react, habituate, respond, survive and adapt primitively therefore making it extremely difficult for me to change the ways I would like to deal and cope with travel and anything relating to moving now as an adult.  

I really dislike the deeply ingrained and hardwired-from-young-developmental-age conditioning as they have proved to me the most troublesome and frustrating to encourage further evolution in being.  They usually unexpectedly appear (emotionally physically psychologically spiritually, etc) in the most untimely manner and place.  Then I am usually found analyzing, figuring out, trying to resolve, discover, or totally standing there mouth wide open wondering who, what, where, why, how, when I am feeling the way I am feeling thinking or reacting.  It really hits me and surprises me.  I do not like surprises which scare me or jolt my core being.  I naturally get frustrated and angry for this total unwanted stress or commotion (unwrapping searching the remnants going through an all out inner self soul search) usually happening during some momentous occasion; funeral, celebration, weddings, reunions, etc. or while in the line at the security check point at the air port, taking a shower in the hotel room, trying to be there for some else's unfortunate circumstance, and the works.  

So this picture represents a whole shit load of stuff as I analyze it, but I am fascinated about other people's life experiences and what affect comes about when seeing this picture.    

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Awful week that just keeps on...

This week has been especially hard for some reason.  My mood is not lifting and I feel a veil of darkness enshrouding me.  I dislike to spread negativity so I leave be and not interact.  This is too familiar a sensation which I highly distaste.  I become very frustrated, angry, protective, sensitive, and the situation pisses me off.  Many reasons are linked to being this way and I believe I know what they are but it does not make the situation any easier or pleasant or better.  There are certain things my brain prefers to do which are out of my reach and this pisses me off even further.  Well, as always, I take each moment as they come and try to get through tough times.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Of All Shapes and Sizes

Sorry, this one is a bit of a rough one but I believe it is a significant issue within the world we live.  

I believe in embracing all shapes and sizes.  I believe in acceptance, tolerance, compassion, understanding, and 'being'.  

This strikes quite a personal chord as I had devastating experiences with anorexia and bulimia in my teens until early twenties.  It resulted in losing all muscle, function, imbalances, and almost heart failure.  I was a varsity track and field sprinter all through high school as well as dancing after school until midnight, as well as living in Tokyo where you walk everywhere, with high academic standards meant hauling a huge backpack weighing as much as me, in crowded subways, up and down stairs; gosh,the daily commute to school...  I was also involved in other academic commitments as student council, social services, boosters, manager for cross country team, etc.  

I am not sure how I did it.  I am not sure how I survived.  I came to Toronto to go to York University to major in Psychology which then I decided to audition spontaneously for the Dance program at York (which I got accepted into second year), and decided to double major in Psych and Dance.  

Throughout this time I was deathly sick.  Actively anorexic and bulimic.  I was in and out of hospitals weekly and visiting the ER on a regular basis.  My world was the hospital system with nurses, doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, physical therapists, and the likes.  I have been in Toronto for about 8 years now but I have not made any friends my age only close connections or acquaintances with professionals.  

In 2001 I was admitted to an inpatient eating disorders treatment in a psychiatric hospital in Guelph.  I was there for 4 months.  From active and athletic since I was born to bed rest on doctors orders had more of a jolt than taking over 30 Correctol (laxatives) pills a night, not sleeping and exercising like a maniac throughout the night, eating, not eating, throwing up, being obsessive compulsive with everything, as well as suicidal.  

It was living a slow motion nightmare.  I was the living dead.  

While in treatment for the eating disorder I stopped my bulimic behaviors and have never relapsed.  Also in treatment I came to an earth shaking discovery that the eating disorder was only a symptom red-flagging a deeper seated issue of chronic depression and major anxiety disorders which I have lived with since I could remember.  

So with the eating disorder treatment done, I went back to University doing my double major.  I loved dance more than anything, the studio is the only 'home' I've had my whole life (of moving and traveling), I was damn good at it and it felt good, I felt at peace, I felt like myself, it was mine!  But living a functional life with chronic depression and anxiety disorders are not humanly possible.  

I made two huge decisions at the time; 
Stop dancing.  Take a medical leave of absence from University.
I knew the repercussions this would have on me;  I quote myself "I will become very seriously depressed deciding to stop dancing and not pursuing it as a career".  This is exactly what happened.  

I attempted to take my life a few times more after that.

Little by little I started relearning how to live healthy again.  Baby steps.  I had to relearn and teach myself everything; even how to go to the grocery store, to being assertive, that I have worth and of value, to listen to myself and turn off auto pilot negative broken records and much more.  Gosh, I couldn't even use a spoon properly!!!  This was very very very disturbing stuff.

So last week stepping into that studio to take hip hop class means more to me than I can express.  On Saturday I went to class again but got there earlier and sat on the floor; my old friend, my stability, my home, my peace of belonging.  

A question goes through my mind; studio is a studio but which studio was meant for me, as I feel more at home in a ballet/dance studio than my art studio.  Maybe there is enough space and time for both, I think, I feel fortunate to be able to embrace both art forms (although I still think dancing will have more of a special place in my heart).  Dance moves me more than painting.  Only if I can combine the two, now that will be my masterpiece.  

So I do not believe in prejudice.  I despise discrimination.  I hate judgment.  I do not like labels nor stereotypes.  

Compassion, love, kindness, care, fun, laughter, giving, honesty, truth, curiosity, acceptance, exuberance for life, interest, enthusiasm, and 'being' are aspects more suited to consider and embrace.  

Life is difficult, but not impossible, an adventure to say the least!

Monday, April 12, 2010

(My) Heart

Some days I feel I am out of reach, from my own heart.  It is as if it disconnects from my mind and body, it floats off creating a soft foggy concave emptiness.  The emptiness can feel different depending on the day; sharp and penetrating, deep and heavy, pressurized and constant, throbbing and achy, or just a vast 'blah'.  It is frustrating and I feel mocked as my heart seems to be in reach as I chase the slippery enticing mirage.  My brain fogs up as without the heart what good is the brain?  It may seem like I am searching but I am not as my heart is right there in front of me, clear as day, and I know my heart inside and out; it just popped out of my chest leaving a void.  I dislike this feeling as I feel incomplete and dysfunctional, I want to yell 'where is my whole self today!?'  I wonder if anyone else has these days where either the mind or heart decides to plop away leaving an emptiness.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


I have been doing drawings/paintings on heavy stock paper for a while now.  I thought they would be a part of my drawing journal never to be shared but there is something very intimate and heart warming about them, I could not deny the possibility of a contagious smile.

I like these quotes.

These quotes have moved me in some way and I still have them as a part of a collage somewhere in my drawing journals.  

These words can not be any truer as I stood applauding, completely moved, tears streaming, chest heaving in the front rows at the MET as principal ballet dancer with the American Ballet Theater danced her final role as Juliet in Romeo and Juliet by Kenneth Mac Millan.  Curtain call after curtain call, she retired with a wave of a hand instead of bowing as a ballet dancer.

Life is an adventure.  Most fascinating, curious, colorful, enriching, precious.  A moment at a time, let us go forth with exuberance!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

So funny

If you are a dancer, if you dance, if you love dance, this is great, gotta watch!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010


It is snowing in Toronto... that just says it all.  My body felt so lost today completely confused!  I did a video but since my computer needs de-fragging and the memory too full I can not download any editing software.  So no video.  Although I have to say editing can make reality into surreality and something completely different, so in a way I do not like it when people edit things too much like TV these days, it gets boring and predictable, this is why I do not watch much TV anymore.  Things start to all look like mushy peas; the same ol' thang.  I guess editing is a trait of human nature as one believes they need to do it for their audience as well as edit content they don't like of themselves, etc, but what if you hate watching yourself and therefore editing yourself?  I dislike watching or listening to myself.  I have always found other facets of expression more helpful and honest.  I don't think I have ever been able to voice exactly what was going through my head or how I was feeling, or explaining things in general, words fail me when I speak, I feel there is not enough vocabulary to express everything that goes through my mind.  This is why I find speaking in Jap-lish; English and Japanese jumbled up all together, I can express myself a bit better.  No matter what my gestures and facial expression and body always keep way ahead of me.  
So why do the video thing if I hate taking myself or hearing myself?  It is another challenge for me to face and overcome, a risk to take, curiosity and a gesture to share experiences and life with others.  I'm constantly learning and taking in information from the world being aware, living the moments so wouldn't other be the same?  This is not always the case; majority I have found are unaware and in their own head space thinking of themselves and just kind of going through the motions of life, I guess...  "Ignorance is bliss"?  Not for me, I definitely do not think so.  I'd rather get as much out of my life as possible, but I can only speak for myself.  Tis all relative and perspectives vary.  I am rambling and getting bored looking at the letters I am typing myself so I shall go brew myself some sleepy tea.  

Thursday, April 8, 2010

This is Awesome!!!

My Gary did this for me, and I think it is sooooo sweet!!!!  The pictures he has put in are of me stuffing my face with huge chocolate sundae dessert.  Hehehehe.  
Thank you Gary.
Please check out the link!!!

HIP HOP!!!???

Hello, I just took a screen grab from a youtube video I did right after coming back from my first dance experience in over three years.  You can watch the video at:  

Wow, I did it!!!  I am very proud of myself for being able to go!  For those who do not know I was diagnosed a long long time ago with anxiety disorders and chronic depression for which I am taking copious amounts of medication. My major anxiety is going out, I can not tell you how hard it is for me to get out of the condo.  I am agoraphobic which means I do not do well in the public social scene.  This is such a huge achievement for me it is not even funny.  1. I went out.  2. I mingled with people I have never met.  3. I took the subway system.  4. I went to a place I have never been.  5. I stepped foot in a 'dance' studio with mirrors and teacher and everyone else in the class!  6. I talked to people!!!  WOW!  

It took more courage than anyone could imagine as well as will power to be able to go.  To sign up was another one of my spontaneous challenges I set myself up for and to follow through is even more mind blowing.  

I believe in taking risks and giving myself challenges to further improve and better myself as a person.  These risks usually take a lot of nervous energy, thought, emotion, physical stamina, will power, determination, believing, curiosity, self knowledge, and preparation (if you are ready or not, etc).  I always believe these risks taken and challenges overcome, I learn and experience more, and as a result create progress as a person in my own life, for betterment, and improvement, discovery, and growth.  

I need to emphasize that I was nervous and scared shitless!  Also after starting with a few exercises I felt very faint, light headed, dizzy, weak, with black spots appearing, but you need to understand I have been through hell with my health and well being for the last, oh gosh for as long as I can remember.  So I am as unfit as they come.  So I really did contemplate sitting out after the initial exercises as I did not know if my body could handle the heat, the activity. But discipline, will power, determination, and my hard work ethic as well as me just being very hard on myself (which is no joke), has been ingrained in me from when I started classical ballet at 4, so I did not give up and tried harder.  I NEVER GIVE UP!  Also with my health and being unfit, I need to tell you that I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia while I was in my high school years which was deadly; heart problems, low bone density, loss of all muscle, lack of nutrients, abusing laxatives, throwing up every day, exercising until my body just gave way, hospitalizations, inpatient programs, emergency rooms, and constantly playing and teetering on the cliff next to death.  This was before I knew of my chronic depression and anxiety disorders.  I have destroyed, hurt, mutilated, and treated my body as something which shouldn't exist and was embarrassing and a sin.  I have done more than enough damage to my body that there are and will be long term consequences which I am already starting to realize.  

The chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and sleep problems have had me go through hell with trial and error meds some of which I was allergic to.  And for my depression I was on an uncalled for high dosage of Effexor XR for a body my size, on top of another anti depressant Celexa, which I am now in the process of decreasing as I started to get very serious physical side effects and just effects from taking them for such a long time.  For my anxiety I have tried everything under the moon but right now I am happy to say I am only on Ativan as, well, the anti depressants I am taking have anti anxiety properties included in them.  For sleep I take Imovane as I can not sleep without it.  

I have attempted suicide over seven times and after that I stopped count.  I feel it was a miracle that I did survive and I am still existing and here.  Someone in the universe wanted me  or needed me to be here on earth.  I am grateful for the gift of life.  

Life is so precious, I believe people often forget how fragile and amazing life is, I never take anything anyone any experience for granted and am constantly fascinated with what life has to offer.  It truly is an adventure.  And today I was able to jump over a ginormous hurdle, and I am proud of myself.