VALUE OF LIFE Existentialist Thought PERSPECTIVE Nail Polish and Bath Products

This is what happens when I paint my nails; monotone gradation!   

Thumb: CND Gold Sparkle 

http://www.cnd.com (I'm low maintenance; just the original effects polish, never tried the gels/vinylux/other nail polish developments...)

Index: Clinique Fizzy

http://www.clinique.com/product/1592/25256/index.tmpl (different colours at http://www.sephora.com which now ships to Japan FYI and other clinique counters).

Middle: Ciate Sharp Tailoring 

http://www.ciate.co.uk/sharp-tailoring?filter_name=sharp%20tailoring

Ring: OPI Haven't the Foggiest 

http://www.opi.com

Pinky: CND Asphalt 

http://www.cnd.com

Base: CND Sticky base coat http://www.cnd.com

Top: Seche Vite Fast Dry top coat http://seche.com

I usually have my toe nails painted but can't be bothered with my finger nails, for some reason the thought of no one else knowing that I've got crazy coloured toe nails pleases me.  *a knowing grin*  My brain works in odd ways:)  It was a kaleidoscopic midnight blue before (OPI Play Til Midnight http://www.opi.com  with CND effects in Sapphire Sparkle http://www.cnd.com), and now they are a summery shimmery orange/coral (Deborah Lippman Girls Want to Have Fun http://www.deborahlippmann.com/nail-color/creme?___store=default below Christian Dior Spring Ball http://www.dior.com/beauty/ja_jp/fragrance-and-beauty/makeup/nails/nail-lacquers/fr-naillacquers-nail-lacquers.html).  

Enough with the nails... 

Last night while having a nice relaxing bubble bath in my Japanese style deep soaker that sings to me when the water is filled to the top, and reheats itself when needed: 

This shower is any Gemini's worst nightmare; which to use!?  So dumb I know.  But every time.  LOL!

Add Laura Mercier's Almond Coconut Milk Honey bath bubbles (I can't get enough of their scented bath and body products, yummy and delightful!) http://www.lauramercier.com/store/shop/Body%20Cleansers_Almond%20Coconut%20Milk%20Honey%20Bath_prod80027?currentSkuId=sku100015 or This Works Deep Sleep Body Wash http://www.thisworks.com/sleep/sleep-category/sleep-bath-and-home/deep-sleep-shower-gel-250ml.html (I only have the body wash but I know they have a Bath Soak http://www.thisworks.com/sleep/deep-sleep-bath-soak.html, right now they have a limited edition, larger size of the Deep Sleep Pillow Spray too http://www.thisworks.com/sleep/deep-sleep-pillow-spray-limited-edition.html)  or Aroma Therapy Associates in Relax Deep bath and shower oil http://www.aromatherapyassociates.com/bath-and-body/collections/relax/deep-relax-bath-and-shower-oil.html, a few candles (like http://www.jomalone.com/for-home/candles, or http://www.voluspa.com, or http://uk.spacenk.com/mandarin-grapefruit-candle/MUK400005440.html) and you're set to go; makes you smell delicious, all soft and cozy.  

As I was saying... whilst taking a bath my mind was just cranking out; VALUING YOUR LIFE.  See, day in and day out I encounter business men on the train in Tokyo either totally wasted, looking sallow like the overworked walking dead, or those with obvious mental health issues due to the body's inability to handle the stresses of daily life, and don't even get me started on the women I see on the trains; I'm filled with a sense of sadness, shame, wonder, a bit of disdain, maybe some intrigue.  BUT, how much can one abuse their body and be oblivious to the daily routines of our lives, and its effect on our soul and future selves?  I mean, how do you feel about this phenomenon?  The realities of operating in modern society, within the systems, and the way it is?   

Coming from a place where my perspective of the value of life has been challenged and dissected ad nauseum, I can't help but question and wonder; the true value of our selves and lives.  The perspective of a parent who's speeding down the high way in the middle of the night, as they know an ambulance will take too long, and their child slamming head first into the cold, concrete, hospital emergency waiting room floor, as the doctors and nurses rush to their child's side proclaiming; not breathing, where's the pulse, possible fractured skull, on top of possible irreparable brain damage from the multiple seizures... at that moment the parent doesn't think of their finances, reputation, possessions, where they've travelled, or how much they have done, and unless you have a psychopathic personality, I can only imagine them holding their child in their arms hoping for dear life that a miracle will save their loved one, give them enough strength to pull through and that their bodies can contain the exploding sensations within their chests.  

or

Their child falsely accused of a crime, with possibility of a criminal sentence, that could affect the rest of their life.  They don't think 'hmm, I wonder if I should dip into my retirement savings, how much will I have left over?' or 'what would others think of me?' 'how much time is this going to take?' or any of these trivial things that we often get numbed out from thinking while we go about our daily lives.  NO, everything is done to hire the best criminal lawyer possible to refute the charges and fight for their child's life and future.  And if that's not possible, to go about in every other way possible to save their child.  

I'm just trying to bring back into perspective and try to convey the value of ones life, what it is that is truly important and worth being mindful.  Life is way too precious to abuse, to be unaware and not acknowledge the weight of responsibility and go about without a care or thought in our actions, behaviours, choices, and life journeys.  

I can see the various angles from which to consider, and I know that my stance on this is unforgiving, and a bit stubborn, I also often catch myself off guard on autopilot too, but I just couldn't go without sharing the infinitely grateful responsibility, that I'm conscious of, as my life, to exist and to never forget the true value of BEING.  Being, without the having, doing, going, achieving, earning, getting... the bare essence of humanity and life.  

Are you happy to be alive?  I know that must sound so odd to some, but I'm serious, take a moment to acknowledge and be aware of one truth a day, and be.    

                    

So there's a post discussing everything from nail polish, to existentialist thought... I know, impossible...  Hahaha~  

Until the next post; I am glad that you ARE.  

-M   

Insightful Conversation with Grandmother and Mental Health Facilities in Japan

As I headed towards visiting my grandmother, and getting completely lost in the maze of the Tokyo train system, I had time to let my brain do its own unwinding.  (Even if I was also looking through figures for art pieces and trying to acquaint myself with the back and forth of past emails for the next project). 

View from the train as I was back tracking from getting lost near Ome

My grandmother and I in the lobby of her retirement residence, where we had the most wonderful conversations about her insights in her late 80's, life experiences, and point of view.  Lunch was really good at the cafeteria where I got acquainted with other residents too!

   

She reaffirmed my motto in life to try to "live life without regrets".  She was mentioning how others in the retirement residence who speak of how they 'could have' 'should have' 'would have' 'wished they had done' 'had the chance to try', etc.  There is a part of me who identifies with the mental health field; and if I 'could have' I would be in psychiatry, psychology, or something to do with therapy and medicine.  If I chose that route it would be an immersive and completely dedicated journey I would have to pursue, and right now is not the time, neither was it prior in my 20's; I never discount the possibilities and forever remain an open book, but it did accelerate the gears in my mind... thought of future generations, not repeating mistakes or history that which wasn't helpful or useful.  Made me think of when I worked as a first grade teachers assistant (where I got spat in the face by a little boy who got suspended, lol, humour aside, was he replicating the ways in which his father treated his mother?  Where did he learn this behaviour?, etc), and how if I had a child how I would do things differently so that she/he is best equipped with necessary skills and tools to live fully and completely in such a busy world fraught with so many obstacles and challenges.  Or the time I worked in the NICU shuffling papers for the nurses, overhearing some of the developmental struggles that some of the cases may encounter due to being born so premature, etc. But then they had me cleaning breast pumps, LOL!  Crazy experiences!      

Reading through a few publications of Psychiatry, and Psychology in Japan I realised a few things: 

1) When it comes to Youth, it is still very research medicine based (although this is crucial it is only a subsection of the whole).  And official hospital treatment programs for teenagers to early 20s is lacking (although there are voluntary charitable groups here and there, there are hardly any incentives from a government policy perspective for hospitals or clinics to take on mental health).  

2) I have yet to come across an Eating Disorders specific treatment facility or program; the number of women I encounter on a daily basis who suffer immensely, (some visibly so, where as majority of others well hidden), those who have contacted me through one video I put up about eating disorders in Japanese, on my Youtube channel, it pains me and am urged to change this situation.  Eating Disorder treatment is so specialised and difficult that only those who are aware of its multi-faceted approach to treat these problems as well as the inner mindset and workings of those who suffer, the sensitivity of eating disorder as a mental illness from a medical, psychological, social dynamic is paramount and can tackle such issues.

Trying in my crap Japanese... back when I was still in Toronto... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfOKVa4uMdU

In the last post I wrote about my struggles with body image and negative self talk, of which I have necessary tools, experience, and health to recognise, fight, overcome, and create other modes of renewed evolved thinking to defeat such muddy waters.  But this really made me wonder as to those who do not have these coping tools, support in the mental health and medical community (in the form of treatment facilities, or programs), enough strength to face such issues head on, think clearly, and work through a complex mental illness such as Eating Disorders.  

When I was much less self aware and knowledgeable in my teens, whilst going to high school in Tokyo, heading head first into Eating Disorders (Anorexia and Bulimia), there was no such prevention/awareness/education/support/nor treatment programs at hospitals or anywhere for that matter.  And in Tokyo there are major societal, cultural and systematic differences and obstacles which aren't present elsewhere like in North America (in Toronto I was able to get necessary medical help and support, and even that was risky without any guarantee of regaining health; re: stats for treatment and full recovery of eating disorders).   

3) Often, those at the top in medical communities here are male; although sympathetic and understanding they will never fully embody living and being female in such a society and the struggles that come with eating disorders (although men do suffer as well, just not as high a rate as females).  And in Japanese systems such as medicine the hierarchy favours men, as it is still quite a male dominated society (although there have been huge strides and improvements).  The systems and ways are so ingrained within the male psyche in Japan, of those in such powerful positions.  *Want to call me feminist? (as a few have commented in my Youtube videos of past); I do not identify as such, as I don't believe in fitting into neat boxes or roles, I respect men and the roles they play in society and everything that makes them differ from me personally.  I'm just telling it as it is, and what I'm seeing in the mental health/medical world.     

Such a great clip that challenges female/male stereotypes and perceptions (which is reciprocal, both ways).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4UWxlVvT1A

Maybe it is time to start thinking about gathering information and researching to set up a facility specialising in Eating Disorder treatment in Tokyo... would that be an impossible task?  Never impossible but probably close.  

The things that go through my mind on a given Saturday while getting lost, on a train to visit my grandmother, in Tokyo.  

     
A few links I found interesting:
-School of International Health Sciences, Graduate School of Medicine, University of Tokyo; Developmental Medical Sciences:
http://www.sih.m.u-tokyo.ac.jp/english/departments/medical-sciences.html
-National Institute of Mental Health/National Centre for Neurology and Psychiatry:http://www.ncnp.go.jp/nimh/english/index.html

Sorry for the long one, but I think it is important to discuss openly about issues like these, any thoughts?  

Those of you who are struggling with disordered eating: go to former blog post here: http://beingmariet.blogspot.jp/2011/04/few-thoughts-after-talks.html please seek help from a professional as the sooner you get treatment the better, but you are not alone, one step at a time, there is hope for recovery.

Ok, gotta get ready for work tomorrow, good night:)

Sending *SMILES*

Marie

Truth, and Being Real

Much of the modern world is full of misconceptions, far from reality as they truly are.  The most mundane, or negative aspects of our lives are usually not shared on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, which give an impression that your life is just OUT OF THIS WORLD!  ALL THE TIME!!!  On the flip side, if you post negative things, you get labeled as being a sympathy monger wanting attention.  So what is real in this world and what is not, and how can we decipher the over information?  This phenomenon in modern day society is such a shame; as REAL LIFE are a range of poles. 

There are those that stick by the notion that surrounding yourself with positive people are the way to go, where as others practice stepping on those who are less fortunate to get ahead.  I’m in the headspace of being honest to you and of sound self-image to not waver due to external noise (*although sometimes its not the external things that need battling). 

For me therein lies the problem; I can not be anything but honest to myself and others, BUT being in a city such as Tokyo that literally doesn’t sleep, with hectic work schedules, so many people to see, places to go and everyday life demands, I often find my brain running waaay ahead, on multiple levels and directions, at a pace I can not keep up, working overtime (has nothing to do with professional life at work) and unable to shut off.  Other than completely disconnecting and traveling to far away places, or staying focused on a regimented task at hand I haven’t figured a way to quiet the mind.  This creates a bit of a discrepancy or lag between thought and emotion, the later that requires quiet, time, space, peace and ease to reflect and come to terms with the events of life. 

Coming back to Tokyo I’ve been extremely careful and cautious about well being and my mental health; with my history it is critical and most important for me to be disciplined and on top of everything, which can be a pain in the arse but a necessity.  I HATE to admit this but I can be fragile.  I still push myself but not as recklessly as I used to.  Reckless doesn’t equal fun, surprising, or attractive in my opinion; it only brings to light how much you value yourself and life; similarly to those who like putting others down to feel better about themselves; revealing an insecurity or lack of self-respect and value. 

What are the non negotiable(s) that you identify with in your life?  Such as sleep, meals, creative outlet, intellectual stimulation, family, travel, nature, music, freedom, dancing, sunshine…?

I’m not going to lie, my strengths have been challenged time and time again here, but this week in particular, I’m struggling to keep past eating disordered noise at a safe distance, which in turn can have a knock-on effect with major depressive disorder or anxiety disorder.  It scares me, and I usually don’t share weaknesses, but this is an honest journey of someone who lives with mental illnesses.  Knowing me in person it’s probably the last thing anyone would imagine; mental illness does not discriminate, nor does it make anyone less than; hand in hand with other medical conditions, a biological misfiring/imbalance of brain chemistry.  I am scrambling to get to the bottom of the reasons that are triggering these thoughts (I do everything I know how, that have worked for me in the past, and literally get every strategy out of my ‘tool box’)...  I don’t expect anyone to understand, that’s my job.  Life keeps moving on. No bullshit. It just is.    

-M

Adversity? Being on the Edge.

I am writing this post on my new MacBookPro 13 inch, yes, finally!  I've set up everything so that all of my devices are connected through wi-fi, and now all I need to do is weed out the necessities that have been transferred from my old laptop.  I still dislike the keys as they feel cheap-y compared to my old one but there will always be pros and cons.

Today I wanted to discuss the ways in which we deal with adversity.  How do you deal with those aspects in your life?

I sometimes draw on walls... and this wasn't even my place... but my friend's place in SF!

I've never felt so strongly about the benefits of past career experiences than I had this week; particularly having grown up in the classical ballet world since I was 4.  I knew my ballet experience would some how weave back into my life but I was thinking more from a 'passion for dance' or 'collaboration with dance' with future endeavours, not necessarily the masochistic extremes, or discipline, determination, drive, passion of the practice and lifestyle of that world.  Although these aspects do play vital roles in everyday life and who I am, I realise how truly inhuman some of these qualities can be.  Not many individuals can experience the total concentration it takes to get through a Swan Lake performance on a fractured foot (which I suffered from a varsity track meet going over hurdles), or other major injuries/illnesses, leading a life of sacrifice in relation to the wages, and the will and heart it takes to rehearse day in and day out for those fleeting seconds or minutes of a variation on stage.  A chosen life of absolution, not unlike the immersive decision to become a nun in a convent (I suppose).

Nope, sorry, can't imagine myself as a nun... 

Backstage, in the wings, as Odette (the main role) in Swan Lake, with fracture in foot, as well as being ill due to disordered eating.

Adversity: be honest with yourself, and allow thoughts and emotions to express themselves.  Face each moment one step at a time.  Persevere, survive, push through the pain and fight.  Sometimes the most beautiful moments come from places of darkness.  You gain further perspective and clarity with yourself and the world in which you exist as you journey scary unknowns.  Acknowledge and appreciate such strong emotions and sensations, know in your gut and believe it gets better.  Never give up.  Be an expert of your own self; no one knows you as well as yourself, so be aware, discover, learn, and evolve.  

For example; piss me off, and I will push harder, be leaner, meaner, and surpass expectation.  It forces focused concentration, and that moves you. 

To be on the edge is risky, and requires full attention and close monitoring, as you don't actually want to fall off the edge (I've fallen off into the abyss a few times and the way back up is treacherous and such a slippery slope), but that edge makes everything that much more stimulating and heightened.  I'm not saying its good or bad, it just is for me.  Some people go skydiving for that edge, for me it isn't so much as the behaviour but inner state.

Where did this all come from?  I dunno, being in Japan where you feel coaxed to conform, and for me, to be 'Japanese' isn't sitting pretty within; but they say you 'look' Japanese... do I look like I give a fuck about appearance!?  Yeah, I take care of myself, but that's just the surface of genetic selection; who are you within?!  Your identity?!  What is it that makes you, you, and moves your insides!?  Who are you really?  Face that(!), honestly, and tell me how that makes you feel, think, and form opinions.  It is that in which I am interested!

At times I feel I need to break free, and totally let loose; hmmm... lose myself in music and dance the night away... (am not all sugar, sweet, and all things nice;)

Am exhausted, I am going to go take a bath and hit the sheets.    

Good night,
M

Twitter: beingmariet
Facebook: TomeokiMarie
Website: http://www.marietomeoki.com 
Youtube: BeingMarieT          

Quick New Years Hello/Goodnight: 2013-2014

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years Eve, and I truly wish everyone the best in 2014.  Thank you so much and many more adventures to come:)

Kindest Regards,
Marie

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

The above quote I put up in 2006, I still have pinned to my bulletin board in front of me right now, albeit a bit faded from sun exposure.  

(I'm just recording this moment for me, so if you aren't interested, leave now).

WOOOOWWW!!!  I will never be able to describe this overwhelming sensation I am experiencing right now; I get tears filling my eyes just thinking about it.

My dad gave me a tear drop pendant necklace after my near fatal struggles about 10 years ago, telling me this is for tears of joy, and not for the hardships in life nor lack of hope.  I didn't really know what that felt like, but I can tell you, my tears (as I bawl away) right now are of joy and pure grateful appreciation.  It just fills my heart.  

I understand only I can fully grasp the enormity of this milestone; the last day of work in 2013.  You nor anyone else may well let it go over your/their head(s), but I am fully aware of my own achievements and the weight of the meaning it holds for me personally.  My parents, my brother, and Patti know as they were there with me through death and back.

This is what's on the wall above my desk now.

  

I realize that revisiting, and taking the HUGE risk of making the move to Tokyo was something that I HAD TO DO, for me;

-to realize my potential.

-to overcome challenges.

-to challenge and push my limits.

-to face my fears.

-relive and face demons from past (probably the scariest and hardest thing to do, as the last time I was here, 13 years ago, I left many unresolved and unfinished loose ends.  I left completely shattered, lost, ill beyond words, dying, hopeless, and embracing death, and that was only at the start of the decent).

-to prove to myself that I can and could.  

Probably the most difficult challenge I've put myself through, I knew in my gut that I was ready when I decided to make the transition.  

BUT I DID IT.  And if I were to die right now, I can completely and confidently say I don't regret any of it, and lived a life worth living, I fought the fight and survived, a better individual.  

This is a milestone.  ALL OF IT was WORTH EVERY MOMENT.  This is where I get my exuberance, heart and drive, an outlook to life that is special to me that I hold close to my heart.  

I am an INTENSE person, I know, and some people can't handle it, but I know no other way to be.  It is the FULL life experience.  *I'm bawling as I've got a big smile on my face, oh the contradiction!, the story of my life... darn Gemini*

This feeling, the overflowing sensation of gratitude, honor, and pure appreciation, I am lost for words!  Thank you.  

"oh my gosh, I can't believe I did it!!!", I am proud of myself (^_^), and I don't say this often or acknowledge it, ever.

I wish I had someone to share this with in person, but I shall cry my tears of joy, embrace it, and BE in the moment.

I believed in my heart and soul that I did the right thing, and I wasn't mistaken.  This is proof enough, !!!ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!  I can't stress this enough.

I don't lie when I say; I DETEST

 

LOL!  But, the year ahead is full of more trials and tribulations, there are uncertainties, and I know what I'm getting into.  More challenges to face, risks to take, mistakes to make, lessons to be learned, so many idiosyncrasies, and flaws ; such is life, an adventure worth living.  Regardless of this milestone, I will be the same person tomorrow that I was today, consistence/persistence/perseverance matter to my well being, although, definitely experiencing life as I described in a post prior (even when I appear calm and composed); in 'double time, and in a much more unconventional and large capacity.  I probably go through what one individual goes through within the 2 years in 2 months' in technicolor images:)!

I do what is needed to take care of myself.  My high school years growing up were spent in the major hubs of Tokyo (Shibuya/Roppongi/Shinjuku/Harajuku/Hiroo/etc.), I'm enjoying another side of the city that's new to me:)  I've been there, done that, I still do that once in a while and have lots of fun, but I'm at a different place in my life now.  Come along with me and lets go explore some more:)

This piece I created is in Australia.

Thank you, truly,

Marie

Twitter: https://twitter.com/BeingMarieT

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TomeokiMarie (message, and tell me why and who)

Website: http://www.marietomeoki.com

Youtube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/BeingMarieT

   

     

  

  

    

A Mixed Bag of Nuts!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY2WVBYcuvU

How is everyone feeling today!?  Coming to you from a place of genuine love and joy, this afternoon I was sent this youtube video; an interview with Paul Smith, that I identified deeply.  There are so many points he touch upon that resonated with me, so when you have some free time, please do check it out.

As I was ironing my shirts looking out the window with the leaves turning a spectrum of nickel azo yellow to green gold, with kids running around playing on the playground I was struck with this thought; each individual in life are ultimately 'alone' in the world, searching for an existential belonging, of meaning, purpose, reason, and love.  I truly appreciate these moments of clarity where I can BE, especially in such densely populated cities where stores try to out do each other with Christmas lights, trying to reach holiday targets, parties, constant social media and other devices connected, work, stresses, past scars and memories that need mending and/or treasuring.  

For some reason today I opted to listen to my classical playlist, as I felt it fitting and calmed my intense and sensitive nature.  I actually didn't plan on writing today, so this is completely improvised, if it comes across a bit disjointed I take full responsibility.  

Also, on my mind, what of being an introvert in a world that rewards extroversion?  Surprising as it may be to you, I am in fact very introverted and can be somewhat shy!  I observe, listen, and take in the full experiences, think and form my own opinions and thoughts (which can take some time and not always fully formed as I voice myself, which I'm often frustrated).  I've been brought up to be socially fluid, fitting into any social situation, but small talk can become unsatisfying after a while, do you ever find this?  How do I deal with introversion, I don't... I've come to terms with it, but give myself challenges, take risks, and put myself out there regardless.  A bit of a speed freak in those aspects, I guess (and not the amphetamine sort, lol).  I see these opposing anomalies within myself as fun games with which to challenge, discover, learn and gain proof.  I enjoy it and it keeps me constantly interested and interesting.  

Wow, this is truly a mixed bag of nuts today.  But such is my mind.  So naturally, next; 

Men, do women need or want?  I've gotta say 'want'.  I don't necessarily 'need' a man to live, but I definitely 'want' to share my life with someone, don't you?  (Obviously, as I speak it can go any which way in terms of sexes without discrimination).  Although I can't say for certain I won't 'need' a guy when there is a spider, esp for one who is a little arachnophobic... LOL!  Usually I get up the nerve with some... MAJOR, trepidation.  HAHAHA~  Men have that 'male-ness' that being female, I don't have, and I LOVE that about guys.  I just respect and appreciate that human aspect in the bigger picture of things.

Anyways it is starting to get a bit darker out, and I need to go cook some supper.  My winter clothes from Canada are finally starting to come in handy!  Stay warm and cozy:)  I hope I provided some entertainment to those who actually got through the blog post, hahaha~  Well, I enjoyed writing it, so, as always, sending positive wishes your way!!!

Oh and feeling a little festive, on my toes I've got nail polish by Ciate in 'Sharp Tailoring' with an accent of Kanebo Lunasol nail polish in 06 'Shining Gold'

http://www.ciate.co.uk/nails/colour/grey/sharp-tailoring

&

https://www.kanebo-cosmetics.jp/lunasol/product/details/pointmake/p0501004.html

*and yes, this is me being FESTIVE:)*  ("c'mon, it's chic!" says me.)

*SMILE*

-M

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