DISCIPLINE and MAKING SHIT HAPPEN

Since I have been back in Detroit MI having said my farewells in Tokyo, and the best send off I've ever experienced, here I am, once again putting my mind/nose to the grind.

  

One of my greatest strengths is finding energy, heart, resources, and motivation where none would usually exist.  The same determination and discipline that made me walk out of my week long stay in the ICU (forget that the head of psychiatry was a complete jerk), the concentration it takes to overcome the pain of a broken foot while dancing as the lead in Swan Lake (hey the show had to go on), the hell that was, the fight of my life to live again; functioning, thriving, giving back, and embracing the exuberance of life.  My decision to move to Tokyo, and having done so, setting up, starting work, within a month of the job offer and interview.  Or deciding at age 12 to pursue a career in ballet, and actually doing so, recruited by a company in Tokyo at 16 whilst going to high school.  Making my visual art career happen from scratch, when my vehicle for self expression in dancing retired, completely self taught (http://www.marietomeoki.com).  The same drive that pushed for a business trip from HK-NRT-SF-LAX-YYZ via Denver-back to NRT happen, starting from Art Basel HK, doing artist studio, and gallery visits throughout.  And now, I find myself much like a high performance athlete, restructuring my mindset to focus on that which needs progress, yet again.  I don't play or sit around, I make things happen in/for my life, unafraid to take calculated risks and achieve what I want and need.  I have to admit, I am relentless, and a bit abnormal in that sense...

I gave myself enough time to SLEEP (the dinners, events, parties, get togethers, up to literally the morning of my departure probably resulted in more all-nighters than I had since my high school/university days), returning back to healthy eating patterns (I'm a veggie lover, although I like my lean meats too, lots of fruit, fluids, and detox off all alcohol spare a few sips of wine here or there), quiet time and space to process EVERYTHING in my own way, to remember, to truly embrace memories significant to me, so that they shall remain forever, never forgotten or taken for grated.  I gave myself yesterday to grieve, miss, and cry about the temporary losses that come with any move/transition.  Halved the already halved dosage of sleepy meds I've been taking at night, put myself on a sleep schedule, with a little help from Clover who lets me know she's hungry and needs walkies:)  Jet lag is practically gone.

Ready to strategically plan out my next move to Toronto Canada (helps that I know the city somewhat) .  Finding a rental property; location/$/variables.  Finding work to support living costs.  Looking into transferring university credits, and options.  Creating social networks from scratch, where I am, now (who is at a completely different place than I was when I left for Tokyo 2 years ago).  Setting up medical supports, and plan a course as I see fit with professionals.  Those are just the major things, amongst the paperwork, logistics, and everything that needs updating/renewing.

And what am I listening to while I go about all this?

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN? (Don Juan DeMarco soundtrack version) by Bryan Adams

CONQUEROR by Estelle

ONLY ONE by Kanye West

BED OF LIES feat. Skylar Grey by Nicki Minaj

POCKET FULL OF DREAMS by Hedley

I'M AN ALBATRAOZ by AronChupa

I CHOOSE YOU by Sara Bareilles

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE by Sam Smith

TOO LONG by Charlie Winston

are recent songs... all amongst the other oldie but goodies on my playlists:)

Right now, I'm feeling vulnerable; but strengthened by love and quiet knowing.

We'll see where this adventure takes us!

*SMILE*

-M  

             

Vulnerabilities in Transition, Love, and Life's Journey

A month shy of the date I chose to move out of Tokyo, I received a 'dream' job offer, as an executive personal assistant to a famous international music producer; I made a bold move and opted to forgo this 'once-in-a-lifetime, out-of-the-blue' opportunity, for reasons that resonated to the depths of who I am, what I stand for and believe.

  
The week of interviews were agonising as I literally wracked my brain exhausted, thinking and rethinking, reflecting, allowing the thoughts and sensations to wash over me as I went about my days.  I wrote more than I did in the last year trying to compile all data to make the best decision possible.  I literally laid out my life and future in chronological order and dissected the pros and cons, of all possibilities.  Aside from points mentioned in a prior post, my foremost concern is my own health, and to be moving towards the vision I have for my future; health, love, family, professional growth, making a difference, etc.

There are fewer times in our lives that expose the soft, mushy, underbellies of our vulnerabilities than in times of transition and/or falling in love.  I am not one to shy away from either of the above, and I've experienced some extraordinary things in life that seem to only exist in dreams, but this transition will bring new dimension to facing truths outside of my control leaving me completely exposed; which I've subconsciously feared accepting, as well as life/timing have kept me from facing.  The weight and responsibility of/for life is heavy, but all will unfold with careful progress.  A kin to falling in love, transitions force us to face that which lay buried deep within, making us reflect on aspects of ourselves that can be unfavourable, unloved, or unresolved.  Who am I, where, do I find myself, where is home, where am I going, how do I go about, and deal with the whole, as well as those lives I have touched along the way.

I will miss, and be missed; this grieving is inevitable in this journey we call life, but to those who move/have moved often, or have been on the receiving end of saying numerous farewells to those traversing or transiting, believe on some level that anything is possible and challenge is game(!) to further (self)knowledge and perspective.  I keep telling myself the world is small, and I've lived a life hopping onto flights as we do subway trains; yet, my heart breaks, tears well up, and I am overcome with that tug within... every time (when we are younger, developmentally speaking, we are the centre of the universe, but as we gain years we naturally begin thinking of others and perceiving from multiple facets; or/well, at least I have), but I go extending love, holding treasured memories of experiences close to my heart, with the sweetest basil scented, pulpes de fruits tasting, send off.  (...ok, maybe a few drinks too:)
                           

Recently I've had the wonderful opportunity to get to know, and work with the Producer of Actrs Inc. (http://www.actrs.co.jp/index.html) and Director of Film, Yusuke Hayamizu; who took these still shots, from MY LIFE IN TOKYO.  You maybe more familiar with his work for the likes of NHK to Independent Films, and VICE.  He was able to capture a more real and vulnerable side of me, compared to the usual 'happy'/'funny' images, and one I'll cherish as I move through yet another transition in life.  Forever grateful for the experiences and amazing encounters with such skilled and creative individuals.

   
The doors will stay open, as I feel Japan isn't done with me just yet, and vice versa.  I just have some things to take care of in Canada; my CNS will be on fire~! (grrr.) Along with love, making fun of my own being through humour keeps me positive and brave.  I've got the effects of getting off these:

(I just took this on my iphone)

whilst working full time to earn a living.  Withdrawal from pharmaceuticals is no joke and I am sure I will have many sleepless nights on the bathroom floor.  Further studies in Clinical Psychology; I shall balance and adjust accordingly.  But one thing at a time~

I have never experienced so much love and support from so many people in such a short time frame; my heart overflows with gratitude, moved beyond my capacity to express.  Who knows, I may call Tokyo home in the near future; wherever I am, I will be at home and connected internationally.  This summer you'll be sure to see me bringin' it to the Greater Toronto Area in my own unique style:)  I go forth with a full heart, of love and warmth. If you ever need a great big hug, I am here, so please do come for a visit; I might let you crash on my couch *BIG SMILE*!  Embracing vulnerabilities during times of transition and/or in love, we'll see where the journey takes us.

"Wake butterfly, it's late and we've miles to go together" -Basho

Joji Shimamoto 

Low res screen grab of photography piece I bought from Bob and Hitoshi at Tobin Ohashi Gallery http://tobinohashi.com to commemorate this milestone in my life (details will be mentioned in a future post regarding the piece).  

Always with Love,

Marie

  

SUCH IS LIFE!!! Another Move, and Life Perspective

March 15 is my move out date.  I will probably be out of my apartment by the 10th.
  

BLUE SUITCASES by Zoe Leonard, 1961-Ongoing

Last Monday as I returned to work at the new position and company, it was made clear to me that my time in Tokyo has come to an end.  Things happen for a reason and are meant to be.  I believe it takes more courage to acknowledge realities and decide to leave; emotionally it is excruciating, more so than taking the jump and deciding to return to live in Tokyo.  

I will probably be a weepy faucet, a happy one, as the time spent in Tokyo has been profoundly life and soul changing.  I have never; worked so hard, faced and taken countless challenges and risks, overcome obstacles, learned SO much, grown as a person/woman, truly LIVED, faced so many past demons, felt in danger and scared shitless,  caught every cold and flu that was new to my body, met the most genuine and generous individuals, and loved, to the extent I have the last year and a half in Tokyo.  If I can just share with you the overwhelmingly full sensation I have in my heart right now; it is unbelievable, and reason for the torrential downpour of happy tears. Thankful, grateful, and appreciative, doesn't even touch the surface of the depths of gratitude for the experiences, and the amazing, gifted, and beautiful individuals I have had the opportunity to encounter and share moments with in our journey.

HAVING THE APPRENTICE IN THE SUN/AVOIR L'APPRENTI DANS LE SOLEIL by Marcel Duchamps, 1914

Most do not know my personal past, and the reasons for the enormity and weight of these experiences; I will be writing an autobiography when I am ready, along with other books.  I've probably done my best writing whilst in Tokyo; my past blog posts are full of insight.  BUT gosh, how time flies.  

Never take life and the moments for granted; it just passes you by, and before you know it, complacency and 'just doing' set in.  I encourage each individual to discover, embrace, and satisfy their potential; I live my life by example as truthfully and fully as I can, and hope that it provides proof and inspires others. 

Here is the conclusion I have come to:

From the variables present I have my own standards, needs and wants in my life which I believe we all need to carve out a niche for ourselves independent of stereotypes and social expectations.  I've always defied convention, and it has been the way forwards for me. What I know are true to me and what I want and need in my life:

-the ultimate life experience, nothing less than

-to stay in touch with my empathic sensitive gifts

-come from a place of love, compassion and truth

-be in an awesome relationship, being in love

-a chance to have a family of my own

-an enriching and mind stimulating career

Call me gluttonous, but I want it all... especially made obvious to me (being female), in Tokyo, you have to make major compromises; if I wanted to excel in one, something else had to suffer.   

Being in corporate, I was in my masculine, totally driven, and controlled, directive oriented, very sharp around the edges, and tough.  I looked like a mini-ceo.  I liked parts of myself within that role, but began losing that radiance, the essence of who I am; something on a soulful, heartfelt, feminine level, the sensitive connection dimmed.  We all need to earn a living to live, but I've been brought up with the values of 身分相応 ('mibunsouo') or living within your means and being grateful for where you're at financially.  So capitalistic drive has never been that important to me; I can't take it with me when I die.  I just need enough to get by comfortably, and am quite low maintenance and simplistic in that way.  I hate "clutter".  BUT, what I do know require high maintenance is self awareness, knowledge, the drive to be better, to be the best one can be, and never backing down from life's challenges, your truths, being true to your heart, and self, to grow with and in partnership with whomever I do end up with (to support the others development independently as well as a couple, it is a simultaneous multifaceted evolution forwards), the other values in life that make up the rooted foundations of being.  Those aspects of meaning, purpose and value.  One's well being and health, life!; ALL IN!!!

STEP UP by Stephen Felton, 2014

Utilising all of my skills and experiences to my advantage I have decided to go after my purpose/calling in clinical psychology.  I figure if I have qualifications to go forth in a career of private clinical practice, I can/will have my own business, work from wherever (like a home office), as well as be in a solid relationship, have the opportunity to have kids, and be able to have time and space for a family whilst my brain being intellectually stimulated professionally.  The world is a small yet vast place; I will also remain forever international.

MAPPA by Alighiero Boetti, 1983 (upcoming Sothey's Contemporary Evening Auction in February, London) 

  

This is where my head and heart are at: this day and age, at this point in my life, at 32, being a woman. Everyone has their own life path and choices to traverse respectively; this is just mine, and everyone's journey is one of unique and special significance, not to be compared.

But funny how we grow into our being; I never thought I would be the domestically inclined, nor did I believe I ever wanted to get married (I was on the fence for many years disputing and debating the institution of being wed), and marriage is still to this day, like a unicorn to me; I think I'd be speechless and dumbfounded if anyone got on one knee... LOL, who knows, maybe one day, and similarly in regards to kids.  I mean I was the one who's first drawing was of Blue Three (I think its the same as a Blue Power Ranger), as I wanted to be him when I grew up~  And now, I am here...  I guess such is life!   

                       

           

Gut Instinct in the New Year

How many of us are going about our days without awareness or connection to our ultimate truth?  What then to follow when our gut contradicts truths in reality? Is our ultimate truth, the same as gut instinct?  I believe it is a balance of all factors taken into consideration; it doesn't make it any simpler, but a necessity whilst making major life decisions.

get in there!!!  

I don't know why but this piece by Lucio Fontana hit home.

  

My gut instinct, accurate as a sharp shooter, (spot on!), has faltered less than that can be counted on one hand; but HAS faltered.  Probability is low, but I am always cautious, as I need empirical evidence, proof, results that back up notions not ground on "solid foundations".  

How much of our gut instinct is trustworthy? Are you loyal to your gut intuition?

A favourite of mine.  

SOLITUDE, 1890, Oil on Canvas

Jean-Leon Gerome (1824-1904)

The year is coming to an end; another NEW BEGINNING!!!  This year has been one in which I felt I LIVED a good fight, adventuring and discovering crevices and unknown territories.  With such exploration comes self doubt, insecurity, more challenges, and pushing the boundaries of who I thought I was and knew.  I am consistently surprised with my own capacity for growth and unyielding hope and belief in this process called life. Grateful for every moment I am alive, exuberant re: Being; the promise I made myself many years ago, unwavering, I will keep pushing for better, for the best, quality over quantity, coming from a place of love/care/compassion, pure honesty of heart and soul, the ultimate life experience.

ok, these two are actually not as fitting as they are of states of anxiety, and not the happiest of times for the artist: details from 

THE SUICIDE OF MR. H., 1961, Oil on canvas

Asher Jorn (1914-1973)

maybe her expression is more fitting, although her state of euphoria comes across as a bit creepy to me... or is that just me?

     

  
This is my truth, my life; I hope to be able to uniquely touch every encounter and share in this journey we call life.

Following my gut; I shall stay in Tokyo for the time being, something is keeping me here and I'd like to see it through.  I begin a new position after I return from my holidays in Detroit with family.  Time here has been one of deep contemplation, reflection, and acknowledgement. The day I cease to learn and grow will be the day I pass on.

Never give up.  Believe in love.  Look after your health and well being.  Live completely and fully without regrets. I trust in myself to follow suit.  

Wishing everyone an exuberant New 2015 Year!


*BIG SMILE and HUGS*

-Marie  

        

WORTH CLOSURE NEW CHAPTER

This has been swimming around for the past month, popping up in all areas; self, career, relationships, society, Japan as a nation, etc...

Words are not flowing as readily right now as there is too much of everything processing through me; a jumbled traffic jam of letters and words, of images, and sensations... my lack of self expression scares me, as these outlets are a necessity for me to stay afloat; wether writing/painting/dancing... but there seems to be a shift happening in my being; I seem to be more private, keeping my experiences close to my heart, truly being present and embracing the personal moments.  Or maybe this is just quiet prep time for the next big challenge(s) I partake.

I feel a huge cloud looming ahead; I know what I need to face, but it really is 'that' scary to me.  So simple and without a second thought to most, for me mired in scars and hurt, that induce extreme anxiety.  I know that my mind body and soul are trying desperately in any way shape and form to try to avoid and detour; but the only way, is through the muddy stormy scary mess.  One step at a time, is all I can do, slowly does it...  I know my goals and anyone knows my determination ever wavers.

The above exhibit gave me the closure I needed to make a decision: it holds a very close and personal place in my heart.  Thank you Amy.  

Exhibit info: http://projekctsbyprojects.com/en/

     

End of February, I plan on leaving Tokyo.  It's taken a lot to be able to let it go; but I need to face my truths, get up the courage to move forwards and keep growing and improving as an individual, and for greater good there after.  Never becoming complacent.  Maybe along the way I'll find love; lead/follow/walk next to each other wherever life may meander ~.  Shall be back in the city of English:French, double doubles, and loonies.  Another MAJOR lifestyle change.  Gives me a headache just thinking about it at the moment... more like a puddle of tears; its going to be a grieving process.  Next.  Moving on.  Life continues.  

Until then I will be working on a few projects, collaborating street artists (Eine, Cleon Peterson, etc.) and companies/brands (Diesel, etc.) in Tokyo.

Am done for the day, emotionally shattered, exhausted.

Thank you for listening.

M

                    

Market Research for Life's Purpose

I realise this is a crappy pattern where over exertion and stress turn into lowered immune system and I end up with a cold; and when this happens my white blood cell count must hit a low as I get really under the weather.  So I just took care of myself today, resting, as last night I attended an exhibit opening and had to leave less than 10 mins after arriving as I just felt too ill.  

Am literally doing the best and most I can to gain as much insight and knowledge as I possibly can for the next stage in my life.  Market research for my life's purpose, with a super tight deadline and budget with full awareness of the bottom line.  I take all elements and let them process within.  You speak to your most trusted supports and advisors.  Come up with and re strategise over and over again.  Never stop.

findings on boards from last year on one of the projects

  

Yes, I am a bit extreme; if you saw my calendar this week, well, nothing I do is mediocre, driven by some super human discipline and determination that even I can't explain.  The same motivation used with everything else in my life.  (I'm ALIVE aren't I!?  Proof enough.)  This too will be a milestone to make me challenge status quo (whatever that is in my life).  Nothing is half hearted, am all in; haha, such metaphor... my relationships of past are both long term, 7 years and 5 years, with a bunch of non serious fun dating in between...  You take everything into consideration, make a decision, commit, and make the best and most of the journey.  Regardless of fears, uncertainties, or possible quibbles, as you trust yourself, that you'll have your own back, no matter what, and everything will in the end be okay.  It could be mind blowing-ly fabulous, you never know!  Worth it?  Yes.  Scared?  Utterly shitless yeah.  Doing it anyways, hell yes.  And from the purest, most honest and genuine compassion of my soul, forever gratefully so~

So my next step you ask?  Am getting close to a firm decision; most probably a career and path I set out for and planned over 10 years ago (same reason I moved into my College Park condo in downtown Toronto to be closer to Ryerson University, but never followed up on as I came across a path of visual arts/artist career instead).  Life's adventures!!!   You never know.  It has certainly been a ride:)!  Just need to work out the logistics/#s of everything.  Not many people get a chance to re-do things in life...  just a super condensed intense version this time.  But I know what I want and need to do.  This is my purpose.  But I never exclude options and/or the unpredictable possibilities of life.

my place on Bay and College, Toronto at College Park condos

Just came across this song the other day, I thought it was fitting:
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR- Nickelback

I often get asked, how have you/do you make connections with so many people within such a short period of time?  Simply put; get up the nerve and guts, take a risk, reach out, and show up, communicate, speak your truth.  Be ok attending events alone, be ok with yourself, put pride/ego/looks on the back burner, you just do it.  Be a bit of an artist; might mean going outside the rules.  This is coming from someone who used to be extremely agoraphobic with anxiety through the roof - so bad I couldn't get out of the house for days at a time at one point!  That's right, and thats only one sliver of all the other obstacles I've had to contend with, its been a whole lot of hard work; worked my butt off to be where I am today, and am proud of it.  Anything is possible. 

                            

Tools for Self Discovery: the Edward Scissor Hands of COLLAGE

The last week has been one of deep contemplation; of the proverbial fork in the road (ANOTHER ONE!  What is this year!?), authentic truths, rediscovering my life's purpose, and what it is that makes me come alive from within.  (note: see happenings from last blog post: http://beingmariet.blogspot.jp/2014/09/a-crazy-week.html)

If you are in a similar situation, you may want to check out: http://markmanson.net/life-purpose

I glanced up at the collage that sits above my desk (this thing goes with me wherever I move).  It may or may not have one of my past suicide attempt plans beneath all the layers (no worries, not from recently, but before I began my art practice), which has been scraped back and over it signed my name in iridescent white, which is completely obscure due to the other layers, but its there none the less.  You won't be able to see the tiny text from these pictures but they are there and the collage wraps around the sides and onto the back (on birch wood board).    

Put simply; it's me.  

The rest is a bulletin board against a wall, with a bunch of things that I have connected and collected over the years.  

I suggest doing something similar if you feel stuck, or lost unable to find your universal truths: especially great for adolescents, or young adults.  There is something about ripping apart magazine images and messages (conceptually it is an interesting act of destroying the marketing and stereotyping, the ideal that media and society puts forth, and are forced to consume, faced daily) and making them your own, creating encouraging positive self, life affirming ones.  

-gather left over, old, read magazines, put them in a huge pile.

-get scissors or xacto knife.

-I blast music through my headphones.

-start flipping through the magazines without a care or thought in the world, and whatever word or phrase pops out at you; cut out (or in my case, depending I tare/rip out).  You gotta get messy with it, akin to free association writing, this is free association paper shredding whist exploring and discovering, then collaging the hell out of it.  

-might want to have a big garbage bag next to you, as no matter what it will get messy.

-put all the cut out words/images on the side.

-keep going through those magazines until, well, you will know when.

-look through the ones you cut out and just decide which ones identify most closely with your state of being.  

-I make a few different piles to organise and see more clearly.

-take whatever surface you've chosen, and do what feels right inside; cut the pieces neatly, keep the uneven edges, chop off the heads of models (anything goes!), create acrylic transfers (if you're into that), and/or whatever suits your fancy!

-stick onto said surface.  And don't think about the right or wrong position; you just 'do', start sticking!  

-you begin to see words that relate, connect to each other, make meaning, create some structure, and pattern.  The cut out images start slotting into place easier, and it begins to become a bit more cohesive.

-I don't care if it looks like shit, its supposed to; we are multi faceted individuals, and our emotions, psychological and physical states are messy, complex, hard to decipher.  

Take a step back and look at it, just observe, and acknowledge it.  No need to accept, refute, dissect, argue, reason, make sense, or criticise; just look at it, and put it aside.  I've thrown many out right after I finished in the past, only to fish out later on in the day to revisit, etc.

Let me know if you ever try it out and how it went for you:)

Umm, got sidetracked, shall write about my discoveries with the fork in the road, and my insights next...

*BIG SMILE*

M