What the FuDgE!?

I thought the above was so fitting, I had to share.  

Where to begin in todays post; there are so many things I've got going on within it is difficult to sort and make sense of it all.  I find I dissociate at times, for lack of better expression, from vulnerabilities.  I think it is a self protective mechanism that kicks in, or I am afraid I may cease to function somehow... as if the enormity of reality and emotion may swallow me whole.  

I come across as completely straight laced and in keeping with society, but I am highly unconventional; my journey, my reality, my inner workings.  I hardly understand it at times, and I can't even begin to put it into words, but I also have the added benefits of what any usual 31 year old would naturally ponder... although with a few other concerns, things needing research, and generally difficult things I have to face.  I hate complications, but I am a complicated individual with so many layers and dark depths, as are everyone else on the planet (in varying degrees):)  

This piece is symbolic of my dark past.  Image taken in 2005, created even earlier.

HOPE FLOATS, this is my favourite piece out of everything I've created; when you see it in person you can really see all the textures, the layers, the colours that change depending on light and angle viewed, mixed media and hidden elements like the naked female form (which this image does no justice).  It is symbolic of where I was at when I created it as well as many aspects of life and being.  

I think my vulnerability makes me relatable and human; I get afraid that this detached, composed state which I find myself, in Tokyo, becoming the norm.  I don't want that, as the complexities and imperfections are what make my identity, and being.  It's such a fine balance.  

But IDENTITY in a society that embraces the value of the group, or collective.  Standing out, you'll get nailed back down; an aspect of Japanese society I detest, and don't support (although I completely understand the rationale and historical resonance, re: significant post regarding Japan here http://beingmariet.blogspot.jp/2012/10/japans-social-dysfunction-and-upheaval.html), I'm just not made to 'fit in', and who is?  I go against the flow regardless of how I appear.  Hey, on the upside, I NEVER get boring, and always have surprises... that's the only way I've found to advance and improve upon status quo or complacence; challenges and taking risks.

CHANgE iT UP aLITtLe!!! 

So, I've got a lot on my mind and feeeeelings; sorry guys who shy away from them; am passionate and I've got 'em!  And I believe, and I need to constantly work on:

    

Despite the difficult realities I need to face (which I don't think I will divulge publicly), @ 31 or any age for that matter, I'm glad to exist and have survived all that I have been through in my past, and will survive regardless of anything life throws my way.  

For some reason this makes me think of what my Mum said once; whoever gets me or can stand my unconventional brain, will 'get' my whole HEART, infinite compassion and love.  Thanks Mom... LOL!  Hahaha~  Love it!!!  Gosh, I miss family here in Tokyo...      

A little disjointed, maybe, but I felt the need to express myself in writing.  

Your human with big heart,

Marie

*BIG SMILE*

  

EXTENSIONS/EXPRESSIONS OF INNER SELVES

My desk top image at work:

http://www.sothebys.com/en/auctions/ecatalogue/2013/nov-2013-contemporary-evening-n09037/lot.1.html

I love this as it makes me smile a knowing grin every morning; only I know the naughty meaning it holds.  Everything I surround myself with has meaning and is an extension of me as an individual and a form of self expression; personal, honest, authentic, without excess.  My medium of choice is mainly fine art, but not limited, and it has purpose and meaning to me as each piece I choose to surround myself has it's own story (step into any space I inhabit and you'll understand).  

I LOVE this piece: IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE by Mark Ulriksen

2014, oil on canvas, 48 x 36 in.

Exhibit is still on if you are in SF @ MODERNISM INC. 685 Market St. 

  

For some it maybe dance, music, words, film, wildlife, and an array of other means of self expression, but I want you to ask yourself if what you are surrounding yourself with are those/that which support, encourage, fill your soul and being.  It doesn't have to be positive or good; it can be a dark shadowy poster, but can you relate to it?  As I believe that the people and things we share our lives with are a reflection of our inner selves.

This piece by Priscilla Rattazzi, THE KISS, from 'Luna & Lola', 2009, at my desk at work, along with a photocopied article of PLEASE TAKE CARE by Sophie Calle (which I completely fell in love with and can relate in meaning, concept, and execution), amongst others. 

As I haven't had time to post in a few weeks, there maybe a few to follow in short succession.  Thank you so much for stopping by, I truly appreciate it.

  

*Smile* 

Marie 

http://www.marietomeoki.com

https://twitter.com/BeingMarieT

https://www.facebook.com/TomeokiMarie

https://www.youtube.com/user/BeingMarieT

  

Slight Gems Filling My Soul

The littlest things in life bring me joy.  I only had a teeny tiny mug/bowl for such things as soup, and cereal so today I picked this up.  The bowl isn't the subject in discussion, but the store and encounter I had with the very elderly woman still keeping shop.  

I was heading towards the hundred yen shop to pick up something similar down the road, but on my way I saw the small family owned store, with ceramics and china stacked to the ceiling, with the lights hardly on.  I wasn't even sure they were open, but the little old lady was sitting in the back all wrapped up in a cozy red plaid blanket, and the sliding glass doors weren't locked.  Her daughter came to check in once in a while, especially as her Mom could hardly lift the bowls let alone put newspaper around them and put them into a plastic bag as I paid; but she was determined and I was happy to just speak with them, and let her take as long a she needed.      

As it was a bit nippy out I said something like 'Stay warm and cozy inside today' (just small talk, but in my slightly funny Japanese), but I swear the most beautiful, heart warming, and BIGGEST smile came across her face.  THAT made my day!  

I treasure these small moments in life, where true human heart and soul are revealed, and understanding shared.  I'd rather support these family run shops and pay a few hundred yen extra than go to a chain/commercial store.  You get to speak to individuals, to share and gain insight into who they are, their stories, lives they've journeyed.  And when someone opens up to share a bit of them selves, you can't help but be affected and touched by their legacy.

So here is a bit from this side of Tokyo, where it transitions into 'shitamachi' (lower city), Suitengu Shrine area; gems of family owned shops remain, filling my soul:)  


Have a wonderful week!

*SMILE*
-M
     

VALUE OF LIFE Existentialist Thought PERSPECTIVE Nail Polish and Bath Products

This is what happens when I paint my nails; monotone gradation!   

Thumb: CND Gold Sparkle 

http://www.cnd.com (I'm low maintenance; just the original effects polish, never tried the gels/vinylux/other nail polish developments...)

Index: Clinique Fizzy

http://www.clinique.com/product/1592/25256/index.tmpl (different colours at http://www.sephora.com which now ships to Japan FYI and other clinique counters).

Middle: Ciate Sharp Tailoring 

http://www.ciate.co.uk/sharp-tailoring?filter_name=sharp%20tailoring

Ring: OPI Haven't the Foggiest 

http://www.opi.com

Pinky: CND Asphalt 

http://www.cnd.com

Base: CND Sticky base coat http://www.cnd.com

Top: Seche Vite Fast Dry top coat http://seche.com

I usually have my toe nails painted but can't be bothered with my finger nails, for some reason the thought of no one else knowing that I've got crazy coloured toe nails pleases me.  *a knowing grin*  My brain works in odd ways:)  It was a kaleidoscopic midnight blue before (OPI Play Til Midnight http://www.opi.com  with CND effects in Sapphire Sparkle http://www.cnd.com), and now they are a summery shimmery orange/coral (Deborah Lippman Girls Want to Have Fun http://www.deborahlippmann.com/nail-color/creme?___store=default below Christian Dior Spring Ball http://www.dior.com/beauty/ja_jp/fragrance-and-beauty/makeup/nails/nail-lacquers/fr-naillacquers-nail-lacquers.html).  

Enough with the nails... 

Last night while having a nice relaxing bubble bath in my Japanese style deep soaker that sings to me when the water is filled to the top, and reheats itself when needed: 

This shower is any Gemini's worst nightmare; which to use!?  So dumb I know.  But every time.  LOL!

Add Laura Mercier's Almond Coconut Milk Honey bath bubbles (I can't get enough of their scented bath and body products, yummy and delightful!) http://www.lauramercier.com/store/shop/Body%20Cleansers_Almond%20Coconut%20Milk%20Honey%20Bath_prod80027?currentSkuId=sku100015 or This Works Deep Sleep Body Wash http://www.thisworks.com/sleep/sleep-category/sleep-bath-and-home/deep-sleep-shower-gel-250ml.html (I only have the body wash but I know they have a Bath Soak http://www.thisworks.com/sleep/deep-sleep-bath-soak.html, right now they have a limited edition, larger size of the Deep Sleep Pillow Spray too http://www.thisworks.com/sleep/deep-sleep-pillow-spray-limited-edition.html)  or Aroma Therapy Associates in Relax Deep bath and shower oil http://www.aromatherapyassociates.com/bath-and-body/collections/relax/deep-relax-bath-and-shower-oil.html, a few candles (like http://www.jomalone.com/for-home/candles, or http://www.voluspa.com, or http://uk.spacenk.com/mandarin-grapefruit-candle/MUK400005440.html) and you're set to go; makes you smell delicious, all soft and cozy.  

As I was saying... whilst taking a bath my mind was just cranking out; VALUING YOUR LIFE.  See, day in and day out I encounter business men on the train in Tokyo either totally wasted, looking sallow like the overworked walking dead, or those with obvious mental health issues due to the body's inability to handle the stresses of daily life, and don't even get me started on the women I see on the trains; I'm filled with a sense of sadness, shame, wonder, a bit of disdain, maybe some intrigue.  BUT, how much can one abuse their body and be oblivious to the daily routines of our lives, and its effect on our soul and future selves?  I mean, how do you feel about this phenomenon?  The realities of operating in modern society, within the systems, and the way it is?   

Coming from a place where my perspective of the value of life has been challenged and dissected ad nauseum, I can't help but question and wonder; the true value of our selves and lives.  The perspective of a parent who's speeding down the high way in the middle of the night, as they know an ambulance will take too long, and their child slamming head first into the cold, concrete, hospital emergency waiting room floor, as the doctors and nurses rush to their child's side proclaiming; not breathing, where's the pulse, possible fractured skull, on top of possible irreparable brain damage from the multiple seizures... at that moment the parent doesn't think of their finances, reputation, possessions, where they've travelled, or how much they have done, and unless you have a psychopathic personality, I can only imagine them holding their child in their arms hoping for dear life that a miracle will save their loved one, give them enough strength to pull through and that their bodies can contain the exploding sensations within their chests.  

or

Their child falsely accused of a crime, with possibility of a criminal sentence, that could affect the rest of their life.  They don't think 'hmm, I wonder if I should dip into my retirement savings, how much will I have left over?' or 'what would others think of me?' 'how much time is this going to take?' or any of these trivial things that we often get numbed out from thinking while we go about our daily lives.  NO, everything is done to hire the best criminal lawyer possible to refute the charges and fight for their child's life and future.  And if that's not possible, to go about in every other way possible to save their child.  

I'm just trying to bring back into perspective and try to convey the value of ones life, what it is that is truly important and worth being mindful.  Life is way too precious to abuse, to be unaware and not acknowledge the weight of responsibility and go about without a care or thought in our actions, behaviours, choices, and life journeys.  

I can see the various angles from which to consider, and I know that my stance on this is unforgiving, and a bit stubborn, I also often catch myself off guard on autopilot too, but I just couldn't go without sharing the infinitely grateful responsibility, that I'm conscious of, as my life, to exist and to never forget the true value of BEING.  Being, without the having, doing, going, achieving, earning, getting... the bare essence of humanity and life.  

Are you happy to be alive?  I know that must sound so odd to some, but I'm serious, take a moment to acknowledge and be aware of one truth a day, and be.    

                    

So there's a post discussing everything from nail polish, to existentialist thought... I know, impossible...  Hahaha~  

Until the next post; I am glad that you ARE.  

-M   

Insightful Conversation with Grandmother and Mental Health Facilities in Japan

As I headed towards visiting my grandmother, and getting completely lost in the maze of the Tokyo train system, I had time to let my brain do its own unwinding.  (Even if I was also looking through figures for art pieces and trying to acquaint myself with the back and forth of past emails for the next project). 

View from the train as I was back tracking from getting lost near Ome

My grandmother and I in the lobby of her retirement residence, where we had the most wonderful conversations about her insights in her late 80's, life experiences, and point of view.  Lunch was really good at the cafeteria where I got acquainted with other residents too!

   

She reaffirmed my motto in life to try to "live life without regrets".  She was mentioning how others in the retirement residence who speak of how they 'could have' 'should have' 'would have' 'wished they had done' 'had the chance to try', etc.  There is a part of me who identifies with the mental health field; and if I 'could have' I would be in psychiatry, psychology, or something to do with therapy and medicine.  If I chose that route it would be an immersive and completely dedicated journey I would have to pursue, and right now is not the time, neither was it prior in my 20's; I never discount the possibilities and forever remain an open book, but it did accelerate the gears in my mind... thought of future generations, not repeating mistakes or history that which wasn't helpful or useful.  Made me think of when I worked as a first grade teachers assistant (where I got spat in the face by a little boy who got suspended, lol, humour aside, was he replicating the ways in which his father treated his mother?  Where did he learn this behaviour?, etc), and how if I had a child how I would do things differently so that she/he is best equipped with necessary skills and tools to live fully and completely in such a busy world fraught with so many obstacles and challenges.  Or the time I worked in the NICU shuffling papers for the nurses, overhearing some of the developmental struggles that some of the cases may encounter due to being born so premature, etc. But then they had me cleaning breast pumps, LOL!  Crazy experiences!      

Reading through a few publications of Psychiatry, and Psychology in Japan I realised a few things: 

1) When it comes to Youth, it is still very research medicine based (although this is crucial it is only a subsection of the whole).  And official hospital treatment programs for teenagers to early 20s is lacking (although there are voluntary charitable groups here and there, there are hardly any incentives from a government policy perspective for hospitals or clinics to take on mental health).  

2) I have yet to come across an Eating Disorders specific treatment facility or program; the number of women I encounter on a daily basis who suffer immensely, (some visibly so, where as majority of others well hidden), those who have contacted me through one video I put up about eating disorders in Japanese, on my Youtube channel, it pains me and am urged to change this situation.  Eating Disorder treatment is so specialised and difficult that only those who are aware of its multi-faceted approach to treat these problems as well as the inner mindset and workings of those who suffer, the sensitivity of eating disorder as a mental illness from a medical, psychological, social dynamic is paramount and can tackle such issues.

Trying in my crap Japanese... back when I was still in Toronto... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfOKVa4uMdU

In the last post I wrote about my struggles with body image and negative self talk, of which I have necessary tools, experience, and health to recognise, fight, overcome, and create other modes of renewed evolved thinking to defeat such muddy waters.  But this really made me wonder as to those who do not have these coping tools, support in the mental health and medical community (in the form of treatment facilities, or programs), enough strength to face such issues head on, think clearly, and work through a complex mental illness such as Eating Disorders.  

When I was much less self aware and knowledgeable in my teens, whilst going to high school in Tokyo, heading head first into Eating Disorders (Anorexia and Bulimia), there was no such prevention/awareness/education/support/nor treatment programs at hospitals or anywhere for that matter.  And in Tokyo there are major societal, cultural and systematic differences and obstacles which aren't present elsewhere like in North America (in Toronto I was able to get necessary medical help and support, and even that was risky without any guarantee of regaining health; re: stats for treatment and full recovery of eating disorders).   

3) Often, those at the top in medical communities here are male; although sympathetic and understanding they will never fully embody living and being female in such a society and the struggles that come with eating disorders (although men do suffer as well, just not as high a rate as females).  And in Japanese systems such as medicine the hierarchy favours men, as it is still quite a male dominated society (although there have been huge strides and improvements).  The systems and ways are so ingrained within the male psyche in Japan, of those in such powerful positions.  *Want to call me feminist? (as a few have commented in my Youtube videos of past); I do not identify as such, as I don't believe in fitting into neat boxes or roles, I respect men and the roles they play in society and everything that makes them differ from me personally.  I'm just telling it as it is, and what I'm seeing in the mental health/medical world.     

Such a great clip that challenges female/male stereotypes and perceptions (which is reciprocal, both ways).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4UWxlVvT1A

Maybe it is time to start thinking about gathering information and researching to set up a facility specialising in Eating Disorder treatment in Tokyo... would that be an impossible task?  Never impossible but probably close.  

The things that go through my mind on a given Saturday while getting lost, on a train to visit my grandmother, in Tokyo.  

     
A few links I found interesting:
-School of International Health Sciences, Graduate School of Medicine, University of Tokyo; Developmental Medical Sciences:
http://www.sih.m.u-tokyo.ac.jp/english/departments/medical-sciences.html
-National Institute of Mental Health/National Centre for Neurology and Psychiatry:http://www.ncnp.go.jp/nimh/english/index.html

Sorry for the long one, but I think it is important to discuss openly about issues like these, any thoughts?  

Those of you who are struggling with disordered eating: go to former blog post here: http://beingmariet.blogspot.jp/2011/04/few-thoughts-after-talks.html please seek help from a professional as the sooner you get treatment the better, but you are not alone, one step at a time, there is hope for recovery.

Ok, gotta get ready for work tomorrow, good night:)

Sending *SMILES*

Marie

Truth, and Being Real

Much of the modern world is full of misconceptions, far from reality as they truly are.  The most mundane, or negative aspects of our lives are usually not shared on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, which give an impression that your life is just OUT OF THIS WORLD!  ALL THE TIME!!!  On the flip side, if you post negative things, you get labeled as being a sympathy monger wanting attention.  So what is real in this world and what is not, and how can we decipher the over information?  This phenomenon in modern day society is such a shame; as REAL LIFE are a range of poles. 

There are those that stick by the notion that surrounding yourself with positive people are the way to go, where as others practice stepping on those who are less fortunate to get ahead.  I’m in the headspace of being honest to you and of sound self-image to not waver due to external noise (*although sometimes its not the external things that need battling). 

For me therein lies the problem; I can not be anything but honest to myself and others, BUT being in a city such as Tokyo that literally doesn’t sleep, with hectic work schedules, so many people to see, places to go and everyday life demands, I often find my brain running waaay ahead, on multiple levels and directions, at a pace I can not keep up, working overtime (has nothing to do with professional life at work) and unable to shut off.  Other than completely disconnecting and traveling to far away places, or staying focused on a regimented task at hand I haven’t figured a way to quiet the mind.  This creates a bit of a discrepancy or lag between thought and emotion, the later that requires quiet, time, space, peace and ease to reflect and come to terms with the events of life. 

Coming back to Tokyo I’ve been extremely careful and cautious about well being and my mental health; with my history it is critical and most important for me to be disciplined and on top of everything, which can be a pain in the arse but a necessity.  I HATE to admit this but I can be fragile.  I still push myself but not as recklessly as I used to.  Reckless doesn’t equal fun, surprising, or attractive in my opinion; it only brings to light how much you value yourself and life; similarly to those who like putting others down to feel better about themselves; revealing an insecurity or lack of self-respect and value. 

What are the non negotiable(s) that you identify with in your life?  Such as sleep, meals, creative outlet, intellectual stimulation, family, travel, nature, music, freedom, dancing, sunshine…?

I’m not going to lie, my strengths have been challenged time and time again here, but this week in particular, I’m struggling to keep past eating disordered noise at a safe distance, which in turn can have a knock-on effect with major depressive disorder or anxiety disorder.  It scares me, and I usually don’t share weaknesses, but this is an honest journey of someone who lives with mental illnesses.  Knowing me in person it’s probably the last thing anyone would imagine; mental illness does not discriminate, nor does it make anyone less than; hand in hand with other medical conditions, a biological misfiring/imbalance of brain chemistry.  I am scrambling to get to the bottom of the reasons that are triggering these thoughts (I do everything I know how, that have worked for me in the past, and literally get every strategy out of my ‘tool box’)...  I don’t expect anyone to understand, that’s my job.  Life keeps moving on. No bullshit. It just is.    

-M

Adversity? Being on the Edge.

I am writing this post on my new MacBookPro 13 inch, yes, finally!  I've set up everything so that all of my devices are connected through wi-fi, and now all I need to do is weed out the necessities that have been transferred from my old laptop.  I still dislike the keys as they feel cheap-y compared to my old one but there will always be pros and cons.

Today I wanted to discuss the ways in which we deal with adversity.  How do you deal with those aspects in your life?

I sometimes draw on walls... and this wasn't even my place... but my friend's place in SF!

I've never felt so strongly about the benefits of past career experiences than I had this week; particularly having grown up in the classical ballet world since I was 4.  I knew my ballet experience would some how weave back into my life but I was thinking more from a 'passion for dance' or 'collaboration with dance' with future endeavours, not necessarily the masochistic extremes, or discipline, determination, drive, passion of the practice and lifestyle of that world.  Although these aspects do play vital roles in everyday life and who I am, I realise how truly inhuman some of these qualities can be.  Not many individuals can experience the total concentration it takes to get through a Swan Lake performance on a fractured foot (which I suffered from a varsity track meet going over hurdles), or other major injuries/illnesses, leading a life of sacrifice in relation to the wages, and the will and heart it takes to rehearse day in and day out for those fleeting seconds or minutes of a variation on stage.  A chosen life of absolution, not unlike the immersive decision to become a nun in a convent (I suppose).

Nope, sorry, can't imagine myself as a nun... 

Backstage, in the wings, as Odette (the main role) in Swan Lake, with fracture in foot, as well as being ill due to disordered eating.

Adversity: be honest with yourself, and allow thoughts and emotions to express themselves.  Face each moment one step at a time.  Persevere, survive, push through the pain and fight.  Sometimes the most beautiful moments come from places of darkness.  You gain further perspective and clarity with yourself and the world in which you exist as you journey scary unknowns.  Acknowledge and appreciate such strong emotions and sensations, know in your gut and believe it gets better.  Never give up.  Be an expert of your own self; no one knows you as well as yourself, so be aware, discover, learn, and evolve.  

For example; piss me off, and I will push harder, be leaner, meaner, and surpass expectation.  It forces focused concentration, and that moves you. 

To be on the edge is risky, and requires full attention and close monitoring, as you don't actually want to fall off the edge (I've fallen off into the abyss a few times and the way back up is treacherous and such a slippery slope), but that edge makes everything that much more stimulating and heightened.  I'm not saying its good or bad, it just is for me.  Some people go skydiving for that edge, for me it isn't so much as the behaviour but inner state.

Where did this all come from?  I dunno, being in Japan where you feel coaxed to conform, and for me, to be 'Japanese' isn't sitting pretty within; but they say you 'look' Japanese... do I look like I give a fuck about appearance!?  Yeah, I take care of myself, but that's just the surface of genetic selection; who are you within?!  Your identity?!  What is it that makes you, you, and moves your insides!?  Who are you really?  Face that(!), honestly, and tell me how that makes you feel, think, and form opinions.  It is that in which I am interested!

At times I feel I need to break free, and totally let loose; hmmm... lose myself in music and dance the night away... (am not all sugar, sweet, and all things nice;)

Am exhausted, I am going to go take a bath and hit the sheets.    

Good night,
M

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