In The Murky Waters of Transition

The view outside my balcony in my new Toronto place, with the sunshine peaking through downtown's forest of buildings, I hear a sparrow singing its heart out; he has a family under the rafters to protect.  There is life in every corner, even amongst concrete, I find fascinating and warms my heart.  

With transitions comes trying to grab onto anything that feels substantial/solid/trustworthy, where murky waters make visibility low.  You'd think that after a lifetime of moving and transitions that one would start getting used to the process; this isn't so, and the day I do I will be a lesser being.  The more meaning, connection, dedication, and loyalty you create, the harder the separation and longer the grieving process.  Last time I left Toronto, I not only left the city, but also a relationship of 5 years. Now I'm back in Toronto where I left the city and all that was; my ex now in a different country, both in a completely different place in our lives than before; new mindsets, perceptions, more scars, and notches on the belt buckle of life.  I am glad and proud of being on my own and having traversed the path I have chosen for myself; no regrets, but one not without struggles and a lot of heart ache.  That's the thing; the bigger the risks, and decisions, the greater the loss, consequences, the emotions and sensations that ripple.    

Where am I now?  What does Toronto mean to me, at this point in my life?  I sit here in a unit on the top floor of this older intimate building, where the ceiling height makes me feel a bit small, but I've designed the interiors to have a cozy homey familiarity, with reused furniture from my old studio, with paint splatters all over, and that I had replaced with smooth natural stone handles (I only bought new bookshelves and a couch as the ones I did own lasted way beyond their investment; over ten years of early IKEA furniture, YUP, FOR SURE!); but like my works of art, my space is full of texture, layers, and so much meaning in every piece/object.  There is a reason it is there, a story that goes along, with a special place in my memory and heart.  So yes, there is soul, wherever I go and whatever I touch.

Looking in on the present, and forward, I still can not shake those I miss, the pangs of sadness that remain in the moments of stillness, along with the beautiful sweet aftertaste, that is the gratitude someone/something/someplace worth missing exists.  

What do you have in store for me this time around Toronto?  I will make the most of it, in my own time, at my own pace, in my unconventional and unique ways.  I do appreciate all facets of life; ecstatic, good, bad, and/or downright ugly.  What a breadth of experience and adventure; curious of the countless possibilities.

As I returned from a meeting today, there sat a gurney and body bag; apparently someone on my floor passed away.  *Life* is happening all around, even in death.

  

Grateful, and contemplative, I. am. here.  

-M

              

DARING GREATLY and COMFORTABLE UNCERTAINTY

How am I supposed to start packing for Toronto when I've got this face staring at me...

I can't take her with me as my new place doesn't allow animals(;_;) she knows when the suit cases start coming out that I will be leaving, and it breaks my heart every time.  Next place I move will have to permit pets (before she gets too old as she is already 10), shall miss her terribly.

There were a few points I wanted to discuss; about uncertainty and fear, also what brought me back from the dire situation I was in during my late teens and into my twenties, as well as what it is that drives me to constantly be better, and leading an exuberant, truly remarkable life.

This is true, scientist or otherwise, but that initial step to wonder, uncovering curiosity by taking the risk to make experiments happen, and to discover their results, takes a huge amount of gumption and courage.  The following is an amazing quote that I love:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”  

-Theodore Roosevelt

Along the lines of daring greatly, I've recently been working on this ad nauseam, and one that is extremely challenging:

"The quality of you life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with."

-Tony Robbins

Regardless, I charge forwards fighting my battles as they arise on this journey I call life.  I don't think I can explain or describe in words how scary it is to be in these situations of uncertainty and not knowing.  I am afraid, but then again this immense fear is one of the main factors responsible for where I am now and that propels me further.  I have large dreams, but my fears are that much bigger.

  

The fears that keep me going?  What I fear more than not trying?

-I am more afraid of living with regrets, and the should've/could've/would've/ifs and buts.

-I am more afraid of the depths of depression and my experience of hell.  (here's a piece I did when I wasn't so well, from over 12 years ago...

...one piece I have never shared publicly, and to this day difficult to look at, but my experience of true hell is even more sinister and darker still, existing on the other side of death).

-I am more afraid of lacking sensations, not feeling, and the inability to think; this happens when you are so starved of nutrition and so far gone in the throws of illness/disorder that you literally lose your mind, and your body starts cannibalising its own organs.

-I am more afraid of inaction, complacence, and mediocrity.

-I am more afraid of the unforgiving nature, and inner critic that will haunt my consciousness for being dishonest, inauthentic, and not facing challenges head on.

Those are a few things I am more afraid of than the fears of daring greatly, and being outside my comfort zones. What are yours?  

Along with that, prepare for and put in gut-wrenching hard work; as I was packing up my books, I realised the sheer NUMBER and amount of studying I did in order to get myself better, and the process it took to get my life back.  The extent of effort was not of this world!  I'm going to have an unconventional library along my new living room wall.  

Sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves, acknowledge the strides we've made, and the fact that our being is near miraculous.  The potential within us all is far greater than we can comprehend.  The strength to endure, to get through hellish circumstances and hardships, to succeed in marked progress are deep within us; we just need to promise ourselves to never give up, and keep trying. When in need reach out and ask for help (professional or otherwise), believe in possibilities, and lean on love.

LEAN ON LOVE by Mackenzie Thorpe 

(I'd like to one day own an original of his, images of this piece along with others in a leaflet has hung above my work area since I first encountered them in a Sausalito, CA gallery a decade ago, it has such meaning and significance to me)

BELIEVE. IMAGINE IT. HOLD ONTO YOUR DREAMS.  

TAKE ACTIONS TOWARDS THOSE BELIEFS/DREAMS/VISIONS.

They do and will come true, I can say this from experience.  

Down Memory Lane: Uncovered Notes from a First Love

As I was sorting out and packing up all of the books for my move, I came across two somewhat neatly folded pieces of notebook paper shoved into the pages; a walk down memory lane, of my first love.

The sophistication and detail of the letters, of a 6th grader (so around 11/12, although I think he may have been 13) is quite impressive!  He must have gotten a lot of his English class writing practice from these notes; I can say this, as I remember he was the most popular boy in the grade, with a black belt in karate too(!), whoa, hahaha (yeah right... in the middle of the cornfields in Indiana, highly unlikely), and a smooth operator with the girls, before he got in with the not-so-great, monster truck loving, pill popping, smoking, high/stoned crowds later on as we became teenagers.  I was the new kid on the block, moving in from the suburbs of Detroit MI, I looked different in a predominantly caucasian environment, and from an apparently stable home life (to put the situation into context; the headquarters of the KKK were in the county or township adjacent to ours, and the area was well known for having the earliest and highest percentage of pre-teen/teenage pregnancies, and my hand was one of the only ones in the class raised, as we were asked about parents whom were still together).

I was oblivious to any of the realities of life, I was still a kid who was maybe only beginning to get out of the 'boys have cooties' phase; I remember to this day, as he was 'asking me out' during recess, out on the school field/playground, my response was 'ummm, I'm not sure if I can, I have to ask my mom first, I'll let you know later', and the group of boys and girls stood and stared at me like I was from another planet... I mean how was I supposed to know!?  And back then, I used to turn literally bright red in the face when put in embarrassing or 'on the spot' situations, so you could imagine the caliber of red I was turning!  

But there is such innocence, and honesty in the letters, it warms your heart, with even a bit of drama, that I find so adorable!  I mean you'd be hard pressed to find a man these days putting his whole heart on the line in this manner; well, such is growing up and becoming adults with responsibilities and other aspects to consider.  

I do remember the soul crushing heart break I was in after the umpteenth phone conversation when we 'broke up'; I cried, like the little girl that I was.  I didn't go out with anyone after that until I was 16 as I focused on my classical ballet career goals, another move back to a completely different environment that was an all girls Catholic private international school in Tokyo; a 180 from the public school system in the county an hour south of Indianapolis.
                

Maybe this will conjure up your experience of firsts in love, down memory lane.

-M

Not Knowing, Holding Patterns and Feeling Perplexed

This year has been one full of transitions, uncertainties, and circumstances that have challenged my patience (I am extremely tolerant, but patient; not so much...), and as I prepare to move to Toronto I am at once excited, apprehensive, and curious.  Where to next, life?

BRING IT ON!!!  Am all in.  Which brings me to another point I've been wondering about recently... I have never done things half way, or 'just cuz', and as I approach a place in my life where I do like the comforts of life, I am faced with a looming 'will I have to back off on an area of passion to compensate for the other as we only have 24 hours a day and 7 days a week' in order to maintain this 'comfort(s) in life'?  The Gemini in me stirs as I am faced with limitations; I weigh out the options as I begin scheduling the many meetings that will take place once moved into my new 'home base', from May 1st.  Having been cooped up in Detroit suburbia, I am more than ready to be back in the city and continue moving forwards, making things happen.  

For me personally, there is significance in

...wether it be in the arts, mental healthcare, or wherever else.

But there will always be that uncertainty, that fear that creeps back in, or the

and/or

and/or

and/or

BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAYS

&

by living each and every moment authentically without regrets. 

Honestly, right now I am feeling; perplexed~  That's where I'm at, again, a

   

*SMILE*

-M 

  

       

         

CURATE YOUR OWN TRUTH- SOCIETY'S UNFORTUNATE OBSESSION WITH BODY IMAGE

I came across this unfortunate article today: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-205285/90-teens-unhappy-body-shape.html which got me thinking about society's epidemic of relentless, subconscious conditioning to pursue the 'ideal' body image.

The article and survey done by BLISS Magazine sites mothers being responsible for guiding their teenagers to being dissatisfied with their body image; in reality, the causation of ones dissatisfaction with body image comes from a multitude of factors.  Although I am partial to this survey, overall stats do paint a bleak picture regarding the prevalence of body image obsession in society.

This article hit home recently being an individual who is in her 30's, recovered for almost a decade from Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa, and facing the truth that is being in her 30's (with a body no longer in her 20's) thinking about future generations and ageing gracefully, all the while shouldering a history with recovery from eating disorders.  I find myself having to create my own alternate path that is separate from convention.  For example, if I am feeling a bit sluggish and out of shape (hypothetically speaking), a simple statement such as; go join a fitness class or just go to the gym, is actually not that straight forward to someone like myself.  1+1 does not = 2 so to speak.  The MOTIVATION for such action needs to be taken into consideration, as for us it doesn't just mean 'I feel sluggish, therefor I should go work out', but 'what are my motives for this need to work out, and feeling sluggish', as the motives could be a detriment to our mentalities; such statements as 'I feel fat', or 'I want to look a certain way', 'achieve a certain number', 'burn off calories', are all 'trigger' happy phrases to a person who has had experience with eating disorders, that should not be acted upon as they may escalate further into unhealthy behaviours (especially if your purging behaviour was once over exercising, in this example).  This is so difficult to explain as it is such a fine fine balance.  I have had to reinvent an ulterior definition of what 'fitness' 'working out' 'health' means to me, regardless of the fact I am recovered, proud of, and am grateful for my body.  And to professionals I pose a question as to how you would guide your former RECOVERED eating disorder patients to traverse through the reality that is: society's obsession with body image, and a 'drug/substance' we've no choice but constantly face; in food, in media, in the many stages of life, in indirect messages, and masses? (fine tune all the way?)          

As I go about experiencing life, I am discovering many aspects I am having to redefine and create for myself that oppose societal, stereotypical, or 'usual' ways.  To operate on different, often invisible dimensions.  Having been touched with mental illness you are made to improvise and invent the ways that work best, at any given time, wherever you are at that moment.  It is at times a mind-f***, but one that keeps me on my toes and constantly adapting, flexible to change (which can be a benefit in this unpredictable uncertain journey we call life, as well as an added level of complexity).  One thing I do know for certain is how I would go about raising future generations to be best equipped to face the illusory challenges that society presents.  If I were to respond to the Bliss article, I'd say 'don't keep repeating history, but learn and recreate a better set of standards and practices that positively encourage future generations into healthier well rounded individuals', also 'to take responsibility for your own shortcomings and deal with them first before/or to not transplant them down generations', and 'have the courage and awareness to learn, change, and teach healthier patterns for the better'.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: WE MUST BE OUR OWN BEFORE WE CAN BE ANOTHER'S

I am grateful for being.  I haven't owned a weighing scale for over ten years (I literally threw the lot out the window), I will never weigh myself, and will probably forever have a habit of getting on the scale at doctors offices backwards.  

Eating disorders such as Bulimia Nervosa and Anorexia Nervosa are the number one killers amongst psychiatric illnesses; more info at sites such as http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/ and support through organisations such as http://nied.ca        

For a more comprehensive update on recent biological, scientific research regarding Eating Disorders, see such publications as http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/issue/S0006-3223(15)X0003-5 which will have a whole issue dedicated to Eating Disorders coming in April, as well as major university publications, amongst many others.

DISCIPLINE and MAKING SHIT HAPPEN

Since I have been back in Detroit MI having said my farewells in Tokyo, and the best send off I've ever experienced, here I am, once again putting my mind/nose to the grind.

  

One of my greatest strengths is finding energy, heart, resources, and motivation where none would usually exist.  The same determination and discipline that made me walk out of my week long stay in the ICU (forget that the head of psychiatry was a complete jerk), the concentration it takes to overcome the pain of a broken foot while dancing as the lead in Swan Lake (hey the show had to go on), the hell that was, the fight of my life to live again; functioning, thriving, giving back, and embracing the exuberance of life.  My decision to move to Tokyo, and having done so, setting up, starting work, within a month of the job offer and interview.  Or deciding at age 12 to pursue a career in ballet, and actually doing so, recruited by a company in Tokyo at 16 whilst going to high school.  Making my visual art career happen from scratch, when my vehicle for self expression in dancing retired, completely self taught (http://www.marietomeoki.com).  The same drive that pushed for a business trip from HK-NRT-SF-LAX-YYZ via Denver-back to NRT happen, starting from Art Basel HK, doing artist studio, and gallery visits throughout.  And now, I find myself much like a high performance athlete, restructuring my mindset to focus on that which needs progress, yet again.  I don't play or sit around, I make things happen in/for my life, unafraid to take calculated risks and achieve what I want and need.  I have to admit, I am relentless, and a bit abnormal in that sense...

I gave myself enough time to SLEEP (the dinners, events, parties, get togethers, up to literally the morning of my departure probably resulted in more all-nighters than I had since my high school/university days), returning back to healthy eating patterns (I'm a veggie lover, although I like my lean meats too, lots of fruit, fluids, and detox off all alcohol spare a few sips of wine here or there), quiet time and space to process EVERYTHING in my own way, to remember, to truly embrace memories significant to me, so that they shall remain forever, never forgotten or taken for grated.  I gave myself yesterday to grieve, miss, and cry about the temporary losses that come with any move/transition.  Halved the already halved dosage of sleepy meds I've been taking at night, put myself on a sleep schedule, with a little help from Clover who lets me know she's hungry and needs walkies:)  Jet lag is practically gone.

Ready to strategically plan out my next move to Toronto Canada (helps that I know the city somewhat) .  Finding a rental property; location/$/variables.  Finding work to support living costs.  Looking into transferring university credits, and options.  Creating social networks from scratch, where I am, now (who is at a completely different place than I was when I left for Tokyo 2 years ago).  Setting up medical supports, and plan a course as I see fit with professionals.  Those are just the major things, amongst the paperwork, logistics, and everything that needs updating/renewing.

And what am I listening to while I go about all this?

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN? (Don Juan DeMarco soundtrack version) by Bryan Adams

CONQUEROR by Estelle

ONLY ONE by Kanye West

BED OF LIES feat. Skylar Grey by Nicki Minaj

POCKET FULL OF DREAMS by Hedley

I'M AN ALBATRAOZ by AronChupa

I CHOOSE YOU by Sara Bareilles

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE by Sam Smith

TOO LONG by Charlie Winston

are recent songs... all amongst the other oldie but goodies on my playlists:)

Right now, I'm feeling vulnerable; but strengthened by love and quiet knowing.

We'll see where this adventure takes us!

*SMILE*

-M  

             

Vulnerabilities in Transition, Love, and Life's Journey

A month shy of the date I chose to move out of Tokyo, I received a 'dream' job offer, as an executive personal assistant to a famous international music producer; I made a bold move and opted to forgo this 'once-in-a-lifetime, out-of-the-blue' opportunity, for reasons that resonated to the depths of who I am, what I stand for and believe.

  
The week of interviews were agonising as I literally wracked my brain exhausted, thinking and rethinking, reflecting, allowing the thoughts and sensations to wash over me as I went about my days.  I wrote more than I did in the last year trying to compile all data to make the best decision possible.  I literally laid out my life and future in chronological order and dissected the pros and cons, of all possibilities.  Aside from points mentioned in a prior post, my foremost concern is my own health, and to be moving towards the vision I have for my future; health, love, family, professional growth, making a difference, etc.

There are fewer times in our lives that expose the soft, mushy, underbellies of our vulnerabilities than in times of transition and/or falling in love.  I am not one to shy away from either of the above, and I've experienced some extraordinary things in life that seem to only exist in dreams, but this transition will bring new dimension to facing truths outside of my control leaving me completely exposed; which I've subconsciously feared accepting, as well as life/timing have kept me from facing.  The weight and responsibility of/for life is heavy, but all will unfold with careful progress.  A kin to falling in love, transitions force us to face that which lay buried deep within, making us reflect on aspects of ourselves that can be unfavourable, unloved, or unresolved.  Who am I, where, do I find myself, where is home, where am I going, how do I go about, and deal with the whole, as well as those lives I have touched along the way.

I will miss, and be missed; this grieving is inevitable in this journey we call life, but to those who move/have moved often, or have been on the receiving end of saying numerous farewells to those traversing or transiting, believe on some level that anything is possible and challenge is game(!) to further (self)knowledge and perspective.  I keep telling myself the world is small, and I've lived a life hopping onto flights as we do subway trains; yet, my heart breaks, tears well up, and I am overcome with that tug within... every time (when we are younger, developmentally speaking, we are the centre of the universe, but as we gain years we naturally begin thinking of others and perceiving from multiple facets; or/well, at least I have), but I go extending love, holding treasured memories of experiences close to my heart, with the sweetest basil scented, pulpes de fruits tasting, send off.  (...ok, maybe a few drinks too:)
                           

Recently I've had the wonderful opportunity to get to know, and work with the Producer of Actrs Inc. (http://www.actrs.co.jp/index.html) and Director of Film, Yusuke Hayamizu; who took these still shots, from MY LIFE IN TOKYO.  You maybe more familiar with his work for the likes of NHK to Independent Films, and VICE.  He was able to capture a more real and vulnerable side of me, compared to the usual 'happy'/'funny' images, and one I'll cherish as I move through yet another transition in life.  Forever grateful for the experiences and amazing encounters with such skilled and creative individuals.

   
The doors will stay open, as I feel Japan isn't done with me just yet, and vice versa.  I just have some things to take care of in Canada; my CNS will be on fire~! (grrr.) Along with love, making fun of my own being through humour keeps me positive and brave.  I've got the effects of getting off these:

(I just took this on my iphone)

whilst working full time to earn a living.  Withdrawal from pharmaceuticals is no joke and I am sure I will have many sleepless nights on the bathroom floor.  Further studies in Clinical Psychology; I shall balance and adjust accordingly.  But one thing at a time~

I have never experienced so much love and support from so many people in such a short time frame; my heart overflows with gratitude, moved beyond my capacity to express.  Who knows, I may call Tokyo home in the near future; wherever I am, I will be at home and connected internationally.  This summer you'll be sure to see me bringin' it to the Greater Toronto Area in my own unique style:)  I go forth with a full heart, of love and warmth. If you ever need a great big hug, I am here, so please do come for a visit; I might let you crash on my couch *BIG SMILE*!  Embracing vulnerabilities during times of transition and/or in love, we'll see where the journey takes us.

"Wake butterfly, it's late and we've miles to go together" -Basho

Joji Shimamoto 

Low res screen grab of photography piece I bought from Bob and Hitoshi at Tobin Ohashi Gallery http://tobinohashi.com to commemorate this milestone in my life (details will be mentioned in a future post regarding the piece).  

Always with Love,

Marie