Are you a sprinter or long distance runner?

Relay race in kindergarten.

I have been a sprinter since I can recall; I never went through the crawling phase, stood up and started tottering around on foot when I was nine months old. Although it may have seemed a positive development, from another perspective I had weaker arms.  There are always pros and cons, the many angles to life's happenings and developments.

Hey, varsity track and field in high school.

As I am getting ready for my first solo exhibit I am realizing that my 'give it all I've got, at all times, to everyone' sprinting ways are not the most conducive to life's journey (which most of the time is a lengthy process of progress and evolution).  At the same time being who I am, I don't think I will ever be able to not give everything my fullest and complete attention, effort and heart.  

So I remain wondering how then do I keep from getting tired/exhausted/burnt out while sprinting?  

-I've learnt that the corporate world is definitely not for me, neither are the systems in society like schools. Unless I am able to reconfigure and sculpt it accordingly (but usually these systems are not that flexible).

-I am aware, hyper-sensitive to signs and sensations that I know to look out for.  

-Remember to breathe.

-I schedule time out for myself from the 'doings' in life to recharge and nurture, heal, and prepare.  It can be anything from a vacation to just sitting in bed before I go to sleep.

-I stay organized.  And try not to procrastinate.  

-Remember to eat, and sleep.  

-Write or draw things out either in a notebook or journal or drawing pad.

-Laugh often.  It relieves tension.

-Listen to music.

-And keep the positive affirmations flowing in my head, especially when traveling uphill, on unsteady ground, low on fuel, or decrease in capacity.  

-Another aspect that helps is to have a support system, one or a few people you can talk to about things wracking your brain.  If you don't have anyone to speak to/with, maybe facebook or tweet about it, sending it off into the universe... although this is risky and can backfire depending on content.  

-Big hugs and an encouraging word or comment make an impact; we don't do this enough in the world.  

-Create a positive dialogue with the self instead of negative destructive critical noise that seems to keep playing.

-Surround yourself with genuine people.  

-Stay in touch with your passions and meaningful subjects which are interesting and enriching to your soul.  

So, as I keep fine tuning the balance of creating art and spending time on the business aspect of art, I take it one step at a time and keep training to become a long distance marathon runner as well as a sprinter; interchanging the two, and adapting as I go, and being in tune with my well being.  

Clover during three day long photo shoot at my place full of studio lighting, and 'lamp shade' like apparatus that she loathes.  She has dealt with it her own unique way; giving me the constant 'I can't believe how long this is taking, I am not pleased, you better be feeling guilty' look.

  

Also, for my upcoming solo show I have chosen to raise awareness for children and youth mental health with The Hincks-Dellcrest Center: http://www.hincksdellcrest.org/  

The music for the opening event will be organized with DJ Floh Back: http://flohback.com/

I have just sent out material for an article on TORJA: Toronto and Japan cultural magazine: http://torja.ca/ as well as a bit on E-Nikka, a part of Nikka Times, Toronto Japanese community news central: http://www.e-nikka.ca/  

Further details and news will be updated in depth and up to the event as they happen.  Thank you for reading and going on this journey with me!

Simple make up for photo shoot.

More to come, I only have this shot from the shoot last weekend:)

  

Big Hugs,

Marie  

               

REASON: BeingMarieT 101 series.

REASON: 
A cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event.  A good or obvious cause to do something.  The power of the mind to think, understand and form judgements by a process of logic.  What is right, practical or possible; common sense.  One's sanity.  Rationale, logic, understanding, answer to a problem after considering various possible solutions.  (MacBook dashboard dictionary states.)
A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.  The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgements, or inferences.  (Online dictionary states.)

Stickers for my solo exhibit.  Character is of a Japanese divinity and guardian called Ojizo-sama.

As I mentioned in my previous post here are the reasons I decided to do the BeingMarieT 101 series:
-Three weeks ago I was having a particularly difficult time; that niggling feeling inside and mind searching furiously to find the cause and answers to my state of being.  Everything from the weather to my own values.  You may ask why a niggling sensation is such a threat, well, throughout my long recovery process to being somewhat functional in life, I've picked up some wisdom and signs or shall I say red flags that alert me to my state of well being under all kinds of circumstantial risk; stress, imbalance, family disfunction, memories, old anniversaries of experiences past, unwelcome sensations ingrained in the body from years of repetition, etc.  These are never ending and my brain seems to fire them off naturally now every moment (sometimes annoyingly in my sleep too).  Survival of the fittest?  Fight or flight response?  For me its another one of those coping methods I've picked up and honed along my journey, so NOT to slide backwards or allow the dark shadow to creep near.  
-As I realized there were MANY reasons; uncertainty of career, new unexplored and scary territories, my inner critics, the unexpected direction my videos on youtube were starting to veer towards, not being happy with that direction, how do I want to portray myself or 'brand' myself as, the fact that society can be very narrow minded and how does a multi-faceted individual like myself succeed without dwindling myself into one corner (the one trick monkey), how things once shared with the public gets filtered and processed which is to some extent out of my control, time, finances, the way my heart operates, the jumbled mess of a knot the path from my brain-to-heart often leaves, the fine balance of studio time and business aspect of art, what is to come, why the hell do I have such a tendency to strive for the best and nothing else, leaving me usually exhausted, tense, overwhelmed, and a bit doubtful, where is that head ache coming from!?  Oh, such is LIFE.  
-I am human.  I've always had this frustration since childhood with the realization that I have limits, an expiration date, I am breakable, I can not be everything to everyone, that I need to sleep and eat, people happen, some systems are, I can not put my foot under a Jeep Grand Cherokee and not feel the pain, or force my legs into a 180 degree-and-beyond turn out without the grinding of hip sockets and joints, or be able to like physics class in school.  I curse and shake my fist at my mortal capabilities/capacity/confinement!!! 
-I need to have a voice, and be able to express these on-goings that often feel would burst at the seams if there weren't pressure release outlets.  
-The question; will mixed media art be enough for me?  I don't think so, I need a full, complete, all senses moved, influential, soul reverberating, stimulated, evolving, embraced in creation, thought challenging existence!  I think my boundaries will definitely overstep those of the formal school of 'fine art'; already is, so where to will this take me?  The unknown is another one of those human aspects that make me wonder.

       
Do you have moments where you find yourself searching for reasons to niggling thoughts or feelings?  How do you react to them and what do you do to cope and deal with these realities?  


I will be speaking with National Initiative for Eating Disorders with the support of MP Mark Adler at a Toronto high school (http://www.nied.ca/).  I also have a photo shoot coming up this weekend with the designer from the Netherlands (http://www.arditaff.com/).  I need to start on my large art piece with the amazing hand made Japanese unryu paper I ordered from Paper Connection International (http://www.paperconnection.com/).  Also upload a video on my Youtube channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/BeingMarieT).  Cook dinner, do the laundry, exfoliate, paint toe nails (so I am somewhat presentable in front of the camera), clean paint brushes, finish up other art pieces, and remember to breathe.

A few years ago in NYC...

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I am so grateful:)
-M   

AUTHENTICITY: BeingMarieT 101 series.

AUTHENTICITY:

The quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine- states Google, and Free Dictionary. 

Undisputed origin, genuine, original.  Relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life- states Dashboard Dictionary on Mac.

So, how do I stay authentic to myself and the world in a day in age where corruption, lies, betrayal, transience, super sonic pace, laziness, immorality, the 'masses', propaganda, negative greed, ignorance, ill manners, and the lot run naturally rampant, even promoted?  

One of the first memories I have of preschool in Tokyo were of a group of girls that kept close and did the usual 'girly' things, keeping the boys and other unfortunate souls who didn't fit in far from their circle; I was not too fond of those girls, as they would often be quite irrational and unpredictable.  I was far happier hanging with the boys playing tag, going down in history being the first girl who need to be rushed to the ER (I think a few of the nuns fainted) as I did a face plant into the solid piano, splitting my brow bone.  I touched it to see if it was bleeding and it wasn't, I thought I could continue playing, the teacher looked at it and went an ashy blue color.  I knew play time was over.

In my uniform from kindergarten.

I was the school relay star, until I left.

  

I've many stories similar to this that have accumulated and don't think will ever end.  But the point is, I have always stood apart from these so called groups; never fitting in, always thinking, and wondering, I was an 'in-between', and in a way, I guess I got along with everyone... but did I feel that back then?  Nope, I felt alien.  And for much of my life I was an alien (in an immigration/customs official, international way), unable to speak the language, learning new cultural traditions and mind sets, good byes and new hellos, always in transit.  I had no opportunity to plant roots in a destination, community, friends, and even family; for a while I was searching frantically, it lead me to the darkest areas of life where hopelessness and death ruled, and I no longer existed.

I always got along well with dogs; they got me and I got them, simple.

  

The toughest was -first the decision/choice to climb, -next the process of climbing (especially at the beginning, for the longest time, there was no light up ahead anywhere, the tunnel/hole was that deep), -then not giving up and persevering, -gaining as much knowledge along the way, so not to slide back down.  But sometimes it was inevitable, so I -learned and kept trying.  I looked like hell, I felt like shit, I didn't think I knew what I was doing or where the heck I was going, I was scared, anxious, and everything amplified to the max!  

But, I learned a whole lot about myself; who I am, what defines me, my universal truths, values, morals, mannerisms, cultural heritage, the inner workings of my psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical self, wants, needs, where who I am originates, why, when, how, who, works or doesn't work, a small red flag or a big neon red flag, to the tips of my fingers and every cell in between I have researched, experimented, experienced, sensed, felt, known, defined, and affirmed.  Every moment is new, unknown, and something to be discovered!  That excites me, and makes life worth living; enthusiastic, exuberant, intense, honest, and authentic.  Why be anything or anyone but your naked, whole, truthful self.  (And don't be lookin' at me like you'd rather be like so and so and look like so and so; I've been there, thought/felt that, but truthfully, being unique is a treasure that no one can take away from you, so embrace and enjoy)!

The traditionally Japanese side; that is my great grand mother, the grand master of tea ceremony and flower arrangement.

I am going to be doing a series of these posts writing about BEING Marie T; my life experiences, lesson's learned, options and possibilities of regaining healthy life and well being, trials and tribulations in society, being an artist, the truths in the art world (which I will probably get a lot of flack for), and for anyone else in any profession, sect, corporation, community, and walks of life (as they are all inter-related).  

In the next blog post I may talk about how this idea came about; this is more my style.  Personal, honest, frank, sharing, expressing, and being authentically me.  So I hope you enjoy and will journey on with me:)

What traits make you authentically you?  Do you embrace those special aspects or are you still trying to accept them?  What does authenticity mean to you?

Hugs and Smiles,

Marie  

      

Few Thoughts After the Talks.

Speaking in front of high school students is no easy task, but I was amazed at how receptive they were when it came to sharing my own personal experiences with mental illness.  I appreciated every second of the talks, met wonderful individuals, and had lots of fun!  Did you ever think I would have 'fun' speaking in front of people!?  Another one of my fears challenged and conquered; actually a few that came along with speaking before high school students.  I am feeling satisfied, proud, and moved.  Those individuals that came up to speak to me afterwards; I commend their courage and bravery; to face and question their fears, gut instincts, and concerns.  The expression on all the unique individuals moved me.  Each person is so special.  Thank you for listening and hearing me out.  

So, a bunch of significant issues came up as well as questions that I thought would be good to address here as I feel they may help those in similar situations:

-If someone you knew were suffering from an eating disorder what would you suggest?  Let the individual know you are concerned and talk to them without mentioning weight or food.  Keep trying, persevere, and don't give up.

-What is the most important factor in treating eating disorders?  To treat the body and mind equally.  A good therapeutic/professional fit with trust and support.  For those around to be persistent.  Being aware of your self and gaining knowledge of past demons that may be affecting your state of being.  Seeking help and support wether it be speaking up or getting treatment so you can start the process towards recovery.

  

-What were the contributing factors of my experience with eating disorders?  Losses, too many unresolved transitions in life, genetics, environment, abuse, discrimination, perfectionism, inability to express my emotions and no opportunity to speak for myself.  It is a multi-faceted issue and there are many that contribute to eating disorders and other mental illnesses.

-What were some long term physical effects from your eating disorders?  Digestive problems, bad skin, constantly chipping nails on my middle and index fingers, hormonal imbalances, altered brain chemistry and heart palpitations... shorter life expectancy... and I have to face these sort of consequences everyday for the rest of my life (although I have been eating disorder free for over five years the after effects still do exist and I deal with them as they arise). 

(I used to keep the empty boxes laxatives came in; me after first treatment, I asked my mom to take a photo before I threw them away.  This was probably only a month worth of laxatives or so... a lot of damage, on top of restricting, binge/purge, other eating disordered behavior.)

-How did I make a conscious decision to turn things around?  I had to commit myself to inpatient treatment, and to connect and trust the professional staff.  Learn to trust and make the program work for me.  It is not a one shot deal and it takes many trials as well as timing.  One size does not fit all when it comes to eating disorder or any mental illness recovery process.  I needed to make myself open to improvement and help.

-Who has been affected by your eating disorder?  Everyone, especially those close to you that care most.

-How did becoming an artist and being creatively expressive help?  I could express myself freely in a healthy non-destructive manner.  Being an artist allows me the time and space to be in tune with my body, mind and soul.  I am able to feel safe expressing stresses and hardships of life through my work, as well as opinions and give myself a clearer voice.  I live being and doing something I love and believe in, sharing my story with others.  Working with my hands also keeps me focused, calms and soothes my constant 110% sprinting brain and nerves. 

-When did you become aware you needed help?  Were you afraid to tell someone?  Deep down inside, in my gut, I knew I needed help as things worsened but until I was literally dying did I make a conscious choice to get well.  The eating disorder made my body physically compromised, but with the depression and anxiety it took over 7 suicide attempts and then some for me to really start turning things around.  And at the time I didn't/couldn't trust anyone except for my boyfriend who was in tune with what I was going through.  Everything looked good on the outside but in reality I was completely shattered and broken.

(On the left is how I presented myself to the world, and how others perceived me, on the right is how I was really feeling; worthless, nothing.)

-What kind of treatment did you receive for your mental illnesses?  I searched for help at the teen clinic at a hospital, pediatricians, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, guidance counselor, specialists, out patient programs, inpatient programs, emergency room(s) stays, psychiatric ward, psychiatric emergency rooms, ICU, nurses, support groups, etc; some worked, but many others did not.  Most importantly gaining knowledge of myself and the illnesses, their treatments, programs, many options in programs, journalling, reading, and being acutely aware and in tune with myself and my conditions were helpful.  Being open to possibilities, and being determined to get better.  Also for me meeting my therapist, who I trusted and saved my life many times over.

-How does medication fit into your experience with mental illness?  I began trying different meds when I first reached out for help, and the whole process was trial and error for a long time until finally the professionals and I were able to find a balance and mixture of meds that worked specifically for me.  Some of the side effects were severe but it really was about  sticking to the process and trial and error.  Once we found the meds that worked I had to be put on a very very high dose in the beginning for my body to respond; but everyone's body is different and react accordingly to medications.  I also have to add and can't stress enough that medications are only one piece in the complicated network of the puzzle that needs mending.

This is a lengthy blog post, but mental illness is complicated and recovery takes time.

Important reminders:

* Recovery is a personal and spiritual journey.

* Be the expert of your own body, mind and heart.

* Anything is possible and perseverance is key.

* You are not alone.

* Find what works for you; treatment is individual and personal, so take control of your recovery and do not be silenced.

* Face life and treat yourself with compassion and honesty.

I am not an expert or professional in this field although I am an expert of my own story, life experiences, and mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual self.  If you or someone else is struggling please approach them in a gentle manner and talk to them; they may not look or act like it, but they will hear your words.  Please do reach out for support and help to those you feel you can trust, and responsible legitimate resources.  If you are feeling like you are triggered in any way, have an urge, feel you are a danger to yourself or anyone else please do not hesitate to go to the nearest emergency room, call 911, or speak to someone.  

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (free 24 hours a day 365 days a year)

Gerstein Center Crisis Services: (416) 929-5200 (Toronto), (416) 289-2434 (Scarborough, Etobicoke, North York, East York), (905) 278-9036 (Peel), 310-COPE (York Region)

There is no need to feel like this and keep suffering:

I have never shared these images with anyone as these are some of the things I did at the start of getting treatment (way before becoming a visual artist), but I believe they provide a different option and perspective.  

Big Hugs,

Marie

REACH

This month has been groundbreaking for me from many perspectives and let me share my little but monumental steps with you.  

For my chronic depression I was taking 450 mgs of Effexor XR (antidepressant/anti-anxiety), this was the amount initially prescribed to me to get me out of the deepest, darkest and most suicidal times; this was over a few years back.  My brain has been on Effexor XR for about ten years approximately, on and off as I went through the process of trial and error of most medications out there, but this one was most constant.  

Being on a medication for so long and might I add, one that has not been fully and completely researched through generation and generation with solid results as this is a fairly newer product is unsettling to say the least!  My scientific self touts it not rational.  But my life was on the line when I was in deep despair back then.  

Last year beginning of 2009 I decided to move out of the condo I was living in as I thought a larger space to do my art would be a positive progressive step.  I did not though expect this transition to become SHIT TRULY HIT THE FAN experience which ensued.  HORRIFIC was 2009.  I had lost all of what I had gained from militaristic effort and sheer determination, positive thinking, healthy and well being focused life created for myself from the year or so of owning my life, my space, my self.  

Yesterday I heard myself say to my therapist; "I seriously did not think I could and would ever be as healthy as I was at College Park (the condo I was living in downtown, Bay and College)".  This year has stripped me of all sense of self, comfort, safety, security, trust, believing, owning, progress, stability, and of all of my senses.  My life was put on hold.  I stopped listening to music, I stopped watching my beloved classical ballet and most recent creative dance world DVDs, my paint dried out, my journals; written and drawn ceased, dancing around for fun pirouetted out the window, smiles and laughs too few, many tears, numerous times I questioned hope, belief, strength within, myself and life.  I did not realize how significantly affected I was until now.  I was walking on very thin and dangerous grounds; either of having to go back into hospital or begin having suicidal thoughts, urge to hurt myself, or going further into the abyss of depression, losing relations, losing myself.  

On top of the flood that opened 2009, the landlords who turned into green eyed greedy monsters who I am still struggling to solve a legal dispute, living on the floor of my parent's condo, finding a new place which was not ideal at all, my body started failing on me.  I thought as always it must be a symptom of the depression but this time I had a different gut feeling and sensations that were definitely without doubt physical; heart arrhythmia, extreme temperature fluctuations, lack of energy, constant fatigue, muscle spasms, dizziness, fainting spells, light headedness, foggy mind, loss of short term memory, sluggishness, and the list goes on... in the end the doctors and we all concluded it was the Effexor XR and its ridiculously high dosage I was on.  By the way this dosage is usually given to physically healthy mid age grow men; I am not grown man, neither was I physically healthy (from all the damage from my eating disorder, overdoses, years and years of abuse from classical ballet training, etc), and I'm like this little pixie thing of a creature.  SO no wonder I was having physical symptoms!  

I need to warn anyone thinking of taking Effexor or Effexor XR to really think again as there are many other medications out there and this one is not necessarily the best one; Effexor has huge side effects, ridiculously awful and deadly withdrawal effects, it is one powerful sucker... AND if you are planning on going on a cocktail with already existing meds or with other medications, I highly highly recommend you getting a second opinion or another mode of treatment (as from experience the effects will only worsen and make brain functioning very complicated).  The physical effects of taking and coming off Effexor XR is just not worth it in my opinion.  

I have been lowering my dosage 37.5 mgs every month now for the last how many months and right now I am down to 300 mgs from 475 mgs and physically I am starting to feel a bit better but in terms of depression, there is just an 'unknown' so at the moment I am keeping it steady at 300 mgs as I feel most safe.  

It is a FINE BALANCE.  

The medication is only one of the many things that have been significant this month, and although I started out saying I would list them all, well, another time will do as life is too full an adventure and words too few as are minutes, and my eyes and fingers are tired of the computer.  

Awful week that just keeps on...

This week has been especially hard for some reason.  My mood is not lifting and I feel a veil of darkness enshrouding me.  I dislike to spread negativity so I leave be and not interact.  This is too familiar a sensation which I highly distaste.  I become very frustrated, angry, protective, sensitive, and the situation pisses me off.  Many reasons are linked to being this way and I believe I know what they are but it does not make the situation any easier or pleasant or better.  There are certain things my brain prefers to do which are out of my reach and this pisses me off even further.  Well, as always, I take each moment as they come and try to get through tough times.

THIS IS SO ME!!!

So two days ago I started to redo a large art piece I had already done and didn't like anymore.  It was fine until I finished coloring the first part but then I realized my well of creativity is totally and completely empty!!!  Feeling dull, bored, uninspired and full of unfortunate circumstances occurring recently I was feeling frustrated and a bit concerned that the creativity well may never get filled again; although it always does eventually.  But I felt a need, a surge of something new, a risk to take, a challenge to give myself, and so as spontaneous as I usually am, that is exactly what I did.  


I decided to do the thing I have been most scared shitless of doing.  


First, going out into society.
Second, meeting new people.
Third, new surroundings.
Fourth, new experience.
Fifth, jumping into the unknown.
Sixth, taking the subway and getting there.
Seventh and most importantly stepping foot in the HIP HOP CLASS facility/studio that I just yesterday signed up for, for one month (it was $99 CAD).


I have not listened to music in a year, I have not danced in years, I have not set foot in a studio in years, I have MAJOR anxiety surrounding everything to do with studio/classical ballet settings and just to dance in a class in general.  Those of you who know me will understand.  This is huge.  


I am also in a truly unfit and totally out of shape so this will be fun (that was sarcasm)...


The worst are my own very highly critical voices from the past that still haunt me; from when I used to dance pre/professionally (classical ballet).  I AM HARD ON MYSELF is no joke, it is mission impossible.  


Yeah, and the class, I decided, to start and dive in is tomorrow night!!!  Yeah, really, talk about taking risks and facing a challenge.  I know how much courage and determination and preparation it took for me to decide and do this so I am proud of myself.  


I hope to just relax and have fun and enjoy myself tomorrow; instead of the usual critical me who expects herself to be at the professional level she was once at and better.  So yeah I am nervous, excited, SCARED SHITLESS!!! and really trying to keep myself convinced and driven to do this and not back out.  


Oh fuck it, new experiences are always such a pain in the ass but I figure it can't be any worse than where I am at right now with having NO inspiration for my art work, being alone with Clover as my boyfriend is in England, and time to feel crap about myself; nope I don't think so, this is just who I am.  I am always trying to improve the person I am and taking risks and facing challenges as this brings on positive change and inner progress.  


Life is an adventure so I shall just go and see!  Wish me luck, I'll probably really really suck the first class and a few after (if I can get myself to any other classes).  To me the 99 dollar month pass will be worth every penny of it, worth it in a much bigger and interpersonal way that even if I only end up attending one class I would be happy and proud of myself for putting myself out there.  


So what to wear, what to take, do I have change for the subway, and all the tiny things that no one usually thinks about but when you are agoraphobic and have major anxiety problems and have been chronically depressed, well, every little thing is crucial.  


It is 12:52 am right now and I am going to sleep after I post this as I am trying to go to bed earlier!  This is early for me.  I would eventually like to start sleeping around 11pm or at least before 12am.  


I will keep you posted on how the class went on my next blog post, and please let everyone you know of my blog as I would like to share my experiences with others and some things can be helpful and interesting.  


Thank you.