A Crazy Week...

I have not posted in a while, and there have been many reasons for this.  But I write today to bounce thoughts around as this is one of those weeks that makes me reassess and genuinely reflect on my life's path.

Please excuse typos as I have been waking up at 4am every morning, due to an overactive mind, and multiple accumulated jet lag(s).

Where's my head at?  

-What is my true purpose; calling in life?  I've gotta believe there is reason and meaning in aspects that occur, the journey we traverse, and those which made us more evolved and better equipped for what is positioning itself in the wings of our proscenium stages.  

-I need to find a new job by the end of October: there are many who will see this as a death sentence, but for me a perfect opportunity to jump forwards and excel in the next phase of my life.  An environment that fosters complacence was never a place for me, so naturally a shake up was in the universe's plans.  (although it never makes life any easier).  

-I believe deep down in my soul and heart of hearts what I am capable of and my true calling, BUT I will admit it goes against all convention and what others advise is the safe route to take.  I am also scared shitless as I don't know everything, and am a constant student of life.  

-What comes first, passion/love/interest or money?  Ultimately both would be nice, but I've always believed the former comes before the material (although you definitely need something for overheads, everyday life, etc).  What do you think?

-I am having a tug of war within: my artist self vs. the self that has experienced the corporate world: I am both and everything in between, I expect more and want more from myself in addition.  

-I am afraid of not knowing, and uncertainty, and other qualms, but what I know is that I have survived this far, from a place of complete hopelessness, and blackness of death.  I will never know, and uncertainty abounds throughout life; so all I can do is accept and embrace it, make the most of what is my life (the shit, ugly, dreadful to the good, beautiful, breathtakingly delightful).

-(huh, just entered my mind); a few months back at an event I was sitting next to this elderly man, and he spoke of how women don't ever enjoy sex... and I was like huh!?  The other two women listening just nodded and giggled agreeably...  I completely threw this guy off as I was adamant that; what is life without such a beautiful and ultimate form of self expression and aliveness (c'mon I'm a former ballet dancer and artist through and through)!?  And no I will not accept that statement.  This is as naked a form of self as you can get, and you're to tell me that even then you are blinded by who knows what!!!  NO!  And who is he to believe that all women do not enjoy it!?  This just pissed me off, and proved how twisted mentalities can be; or just different lives lived and experienced but whoa I startled him when I spoke my truth.  I don't think many/any Japanese women ever challenged his way of thinking...  so I totally got off topic, but this was bothering me!  And it sort of goes along with the lines of being true to yourself and embracing your authentic expression, and not ever dimming your stance, and glow!  

-This too shall pass, and I will be stronger and learn from hardships.  Damn its freakin hard though!!!!!!!!  Not only losing a job but also being rejected by one of the most well known companies world wide (after being recruited by them) within three days of returning from my business trip from Chicago; it feels like SHIT!  I FEEL LIKE SHIT, I said it, this is truth, and most of my life is outside of social media sharing!  It never tells the full truth.  GRrrrrrrrrr!!!  

I will probably regret this post after I let it go live, but LIFE HAPPENS!  FUDGE!  BUT better things in the wings... I can only believe in possibilities.  

Seeing the sunshine and bright side of adversity, to me is

Every hardship is a chance to grow and become more than you thought possible; through challenge we discover parts of ourselves that keeps us thriving and happy to be alive!  

EMBRACE POSSIBLITY

A year ago today I began my journey revisiting where I left off back in 2000 (when I graduated from the International School of the Sacred Heart/聖心のインターナショナル).

The years in Toronto, Canada (14 years to be exact) were in part spent going to University (York University majoring in Psych and Dance), ending a professional classical ballet career, and starting up a visual arts career, but most significantly facing my truths and that which caused destruction beyond the darkest hell imaginable (there are no words to describe that/it), dying a many deaths, being revived numerous times, and being around the best professionals and facilities (although still like Swiss cheese with many holes to fall through and get lost, never as good as mainstream medicine) to help me regain 

from the Canada Post stamp competition where a limited number were printed (originally from a painting I did, UNPREPARED IN WELLIES, see here: http://www.marietomeoki.com/portfolio/unprepaired-in-wellies-カラフルな瞬間/) 

HOPE, and the possibility of any future at all.  

The last time I was in Tokyo were of good but also horrific memories, where I had to be flown to Toronto in an emergency situation, with many doors left ajar.  So naturally (ok, its a bit far out...), you challenge yourself and face that which haunted you, and never thought you'd ever have the opportunity to revisit.

What is it about life that keep us going despite all hardships?  There is something to be said about human nature, but all too often the small gifts and treasures are overlooked for wars, greed, and dishonesty.  How to move forward as empowered individuals, with broad perspectives, to work together for a better whole?  

There is exuberance in the possibility that lie ahead.  Right now I'm in Tokyo but ultimately I'd love to have a place next to the ocean in a modest space where I can write books and create art, maybe even own a little cafe where those of like minds can congregate, with art on the walls and books lining shelves.  That dream seems like just that; a dream, but I also know that the place I stand now was once a dream.  

Forever grateful for life's adventures.      

DATING: Sisterly Advice

This post is for the ladies, and/or men out there; some sisterly advice.  Read through to the end for what to say to a guy/girl and how to handle yourself with integrity when put in such a situation (IF you are serious about finding true connections, and something more than just being another, one, in a slew of many).  It will encourage and empower BEING.  

We all know the dating scene is a complicated mess; I don't think I've heard any women speak fondly of their dating days.  Now before I get into the guts of the matter; lets just define dating as everyone has a subjective belief of what it is that dating implies.  

What is a date, dating?: 
-an oblong edible fruit of a palm... :)
*don't mind me...*

According to Wikipedia, as quoted:
-Dating is a part of human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship, beyond the level of friendship, or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It can be a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by the couple. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.

According to Merriam Webster as quoted:

³date

 verb: to do an activity with someone you have might have a romantic relationship with : to go on a date or several dates with (someone)

Personally, I equate being asked on dinner dates as akin to meeting an acquaintance I don't know too well; it might be riddled with small talk and 'what the heck is he going on about?', or 'am pleasantly surprised', 'I might be interested in hearing more', and everything in the spectrum of THIS IS WORSE THAN SHIT (make an excuse to leave STAT!), and YOU BLOW MY MIND-HEAD OVER HEELS!  Usually, as those who have healthy self esteem and awareness, have a choice to explore initial exchange of numbers, or god forbid, pick up lines... standards ladies; you know deep inside what works for you, what is a definite no, what you want, need and are looking for in any relationship.  

And 'dating' is when you might be interested but need more time to explore; this is where the lines get even fuzzier and greyer... some people equate 'dating' as 'going out', which to me is not the case.  For all I know, men can be dating a number of women at any given time; to think you are the only one is a bit too innocent and/or ignorant in my opinion.  Confident women usually handle this with grace and integrity, although inclination is more towards being in knots and going a bit mental (if you aren't at all, then maybe the guy's not for you... who knows), its only natural ladies:)  And same goes for men.  We as humans have deep seeded biological, and evolutionary instincts, we can be competitive, get caught up in jealousy, and these days social media, and a host of other things make this a mine field of IEDs, which can leave you in a shredded mess of embarrassment and kicking yourself with regret, should've/would've/could've/if/and/but 's.  

I mean we've all been there; when I was speaking to Keanu Reeves in LA, the words just ^ would ~ not * come > out, aside from the fact that my brother DESERTED me(!) and I was a total pile of useless, HAHAHA~  mortified!  Afterwards; 'WHAT THE F*** WAS I THINKING, or SERIOUSLY, I SAID THAT!?'  but when seen from a positive perspective, I had the guts to go up to him, chat to him about his efforts with dyslexia (which was total misinformation, as I was made aware, LOL), his new movie, and hand over a business card, etc.  Dude, I did it... yeah and you gotta be ok with that.  See the good in any situation, and make opportunities out of even the crappiest of times (although anything involving Keanu Reeves is a good thing imo:).

These days TOO MANY ladies out there are devaluing themselves and giving right of way too easily and fast.  I mean this depends on each individual, everyone is different but for me YOU NEED TO EARN YOUR RESPECT and the simple equation of TALK - ACTION = 0; I say prove it, show me, and vice versa.  It has to go BOTH WAYS.  If I'm all hot air and no substance then you're as bad as each other.

I believe in TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for your part in any relationship.  OWN UP!  BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF and FACE IT, SORT IT OUT, BE BETTER!  I'm always challenging myself, as complacence is my enemy, it's just not possible for me to be so numb:)

So the next time some guy or girl tries to get with you, but you get an inkling that they are not ready, or looking for anything serious, and/or commitment, (and you WILL KNOW, you'll SENSE that something isn't adding up, c'mon ladies/guys TAP INTO YOUR INTUITION!) reply with something like this:

(cont'd conversation)... I believe it is worth all the risk, and would rather challenge being jaded... I want something more than just a casual something, and I believe others who have asked me on dinner dates in the past months are too, and it wouldn't be fair on others that come along, nor me, to be getting into something intimate with you, if you are in fact only looking for something casual.  

I like you and love meeting up w you, but am looking for something more than just the physical.  And nope, those dinner dates have not gone further than that.  It's difficult to meet one with value whom I completely respect.  To be honest you could have been the one who stood out amongst all the other guys  (and u know me and my standards, I am no walk in the park... I expect the best from myself and encourage the best in others:).  

I felt I needed to be totally honest with where my head and heart are at this moment.  

Simple as that.  It will probably take a few days for them to get back to you, but they will appreciate and respect you for it, and allow them a chance to really reflect and think.    

I would like to empower women/men who end up being someone else's welcome mat; you are the only one in the whole world who has your own back, and can stand up for yourself.  Value the individual that you are, as you only have one body, treat it with respect, be kind to it, embrace and encourage integrity.  

This is the kind of person I am.  HONEST and with CLARITY of HEART; genuine.  And if you ABUSE it, rest assured that you will feel horribly rotten about yourself within (I will challenge your skewed rationale/ego/pride/ignorance), as I've got this odd ability to allow others to discover truths within themselves.  Naturally being, as I am, I don't intentionally 'do' anything, but I lead by example... yup, am grounded as heck, surprising coming from someone with a Youtube channel with over a million views in sexy latex speaking about art, mental health and being real..., go figure huh!?     

    

 BEING A WELCOME MAT  is 

#NOT-A-TREND.COM©

          Curate Your Truth           

  

  

        

Just Write

I felt a strong urge to write today, and it has been quite some time since I last posted.  As with everyone else, there are various things in my life that do not get discussed in the public sphere, so many things I wish I could pour my heart out to speak freely.  

Something happens to me when I'm in Japan; my artistic and deep rooted soul starts depleting creating a sense of being mute, and disconnected.  When I am in my body, experiencing moments, completely, I am filled with exuberance and life returns, but in a modernised city abundant with superficiality and the head decapitated from pure emotions; how is one sensitive to another facet or level of existence supposed to be?  This sensation is akin to falling head over heels in love for someone, or playing live at a rock concert.  There is something intrinsically pulsating beneath the surface, but is kept from being released.  I don't need alcohol, drugs, or a multi billion dollar deal to feel this connection; genuine human interactions without falsities and mental games is all that I am asking.  

Too many times I see beautiful souls falling jaded and skin toughened, I get sad.  Give me a chance and I will show you that it doesn't have to be your truth.  

I've heard this quite a few times; there is something about my energy one can not decipher, maybe a purity in heart and being... Some times I wish I didn't experience the world so full on; we have been conditioned to zone out and go/do/get.

This is the closest thing I have to a canvas, but words never supersede actions.  I am working on something... I'm always working on something... but we shall see.
In times of need, I CREATE.

©

  

What the FuDgE!?

I thought the above was so fitting, I had to share.  

Where to begin in todays post; there are so many things I've got going on within it is difficult to sort and make sense of it all.  I find I dissociate at times, for lack of better expression, from vulnerabilities.  I think it is a self protective mechanism that kicks in, or I am afraid I may cease to function somehow... as if the enormity of reality and emotion may swallow me whole.  

I come across as completely straight laced and in keeping with society, but I am highly unconventional; my journey, my reality, my inner workings.  I hardly understand it at times, and I can't even begin to put it into words, but I also have the added benefits of what any usual 31 year old would naturally ponder... although with a few other concerns, things needing research, and generally difficult things I have to face.  I hate complications, but I am a complicated individual with so many layers and dark depths, as are everyone else on the planet (in varying degrees):)  

This piece is symbolic of my dark past.  Image taken in 2005, created even earlier.

HOPE FLOATS, this is my favourite piece out of everything I've created; when you see it in person you can really see all the textures, the layers, the colours that change depending on light and angle viewed, mixed media and hidden elements like the naked female form (which this image does no justice).  It is symbolic of where I was at when I created it as well as many aspects of life and being.  

I think my vulnerability makes me relatable and human; I get afraid that this detached, composed state which I find myself, in Tokyo, becoming the norm.  I don't want that, as the complexities and imperfections are what make my identity, and being.  It's such a fine balance.  

But IDENTITY in a society that embraces the value of the group, or collective.  Standing out, you'll get nailed back down; an aspect of Japanese society I detest, and don't support (although I completely understand the rationale and historical resonance, re: significant post regarding Japan here http://beingmariet.blogspot.jp/2012/10/japans-social-dysfunction-and-upheaval.html), I'm just not made to 'fit in', and who is?  I go against the flow regardless of how I appear.  Hey, on the upside, I NEVER get boring, and always have surprises... that's the only way I've found to advance and improve upon status quo or complacence; challenges and taking risks.

CHANgE iT UP aLITtLe!!! 

So, I've got a lot on my mind and feeeeelings; sorry guys who shy away from them; am passionate and I've got 'em!  And I believe, and I need to constantly work on:

    

Despite the difficult realities I need to face (which I don't think I will divulge publicly), @ 31 or any age for that matter, I'm glad to exist and have survived all that I have been through in my past, and will survive regardless of anything life throws my way.  

For some reason this makes me think of what my Mum said once; whoever gets me or can stand my unconventional brain, will 'get' my whole HEART, infinite compassion and love.  Thanks Mom... LOL!  Hahaha~  Love it!!!  Gosh, I miss family here in Tokyo...      

A little disjointed, maybe, but I felt the need to express myself in writing.  

Your human with big heart,

Marie

*BIG SMILE*

  

EXTENSIONS/EXPRESSIONS OF INNER SELVES

My desk top image at work:

http://www.sothebys.com/en/auctions/ecatalogue/2013/nov-2013-contemporary-evening-n09037/lot.1.html

I love this as it makes me smile a knowing grin every morning; only I know the naughty meaning it holds.  Everything I surround myself with has meaning and is an extension of me as an individual and a form of self expression; personal, honest, authentic, without excess.  My medium of choice is mainly fine art, but not limited, and it has purpose and meaning to me as each piece I choose to surround myself has it's own story (step into any space I inhabit and you'll understand).  

I LOVE this piece: IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE by Mark Ulriksen

2014, oil on canvas, 48 x 36 in.

Exhibit is still on if you are in SF @ MODERNISM INC. 685 Market St. 

  

For some it maybe dance, music, words, film, wildlife, and an array of other means of self expression, but I want you to ask yourself if what you are surrounding yourself with are those/that which support, encourage, fill your soul and being.  It doesn't have to be positive or good; it can be a dark shadowy poster, but can you relate to it?  As I believe that the people and things we share our lives with are a reflection of our inner selves.

This piece by Priscilla Rattazzi, THE KISS, from 'Luna & Lola', 2009, at my desk at work, along with a photocopied article of PLEASE TAKE CARE by Sophie Calle (which I completely fell in love with and can relate in meaning, concept, and execution), amongst others. 

As I haven't had time to post in a few weeks, there maybe a few to follow in short succession.  Thank you so much for stopping by, I truly appreciate it.

  

*Smile* 

Marie 

http://www.marietomeoki.com

https://twitter.com/BeingMarieT

https://www.facebook.com/TomeokiMarie

https://www.youtube.com/user/BeingMarieT

  

Slight Gems Filling My Soul

The littlest things in life bring me joy.  I only had a teeny tiny mug/bowl for such things as soup, and cereal so today I picked this up.  The bowl isn't the subject in discussion, but the store and encounter I had with the very elderly woman still keeping shop.  

I was heading towards the hundred yen shop to pick up something similar down the road, but on my way I saw the small family owned store, with ceramics and china stacked to the ceiling, with the lights hardly on.  I wasn't even sure they were open, but the little old lady was sitting in the back all wrapped up in a cozy red plaid blanket, and the sliding glass doors weren't locked.  Her daughter came to check in once in a while, especially as her Mom could hardly lift the bowls let alone put newspaper around them and put them into a plastic bag as I paid; but she was determined and I was happy to just speak with them, and let her take as long a she needed.      

As it was a bit nippy out I said something like 'Stay warm and cozy inside today' (just small talk, but in my slightly funny Japanese), but I swear the most beautiful, heart warming, and BIGGEST smile came across her face.  THAT made my day!  

I treasure these small moments in life, where true human heart and soul are revealed, and understanding shared.  I'd rather support these family run shops and pay a few hundred yen extra than go to a chain/commercial store.  You get to speak to individuals, to share and gain insight into who they are, their stories, lives they've journeyed.  And when someone opens up to share a bit of them selves, you can't help but be affected and touched by their legacy.

So here is a bit from this side of Tokyo, where it transitions into 'shitamachi' (lower city), Suitengu Shrine area; gems of family owned shops remain, filling my soul:)  


Have a wonderful week!

*SMILE*
-M