Thursday, April 22, 2010

Another transformative step.

Oh gosh, it is late, why am I starting to sleep late again!!!???  UGGGHHHH, NOT GOOD.  Tomorrow back into sleeping early routine.  

So I will try to keep this short.  Also I have taken my sleepy meds so if I do not make sense or my grammar is crap, please excuse me.

So a few weeks back unexpectedly my boyfriend left for Southbourne, Bournemouth, Dorset, UK as his mum became very ill with a rare and lethal form of cancer.  This was devastating news to both of us.  So he left without a returning flight date.  

For the last months I have been steadily declining in terms of my depression and anxiety; my daily functioning very limited, unhealthy negative cycles, feeling very low uninspired exhausted emotionally psychologically and physically.  

Chronic depression and major anxiety disorders are only understandable if you have experienced them first hand.  They are invisible but incredibly disabling.  Whomever I meet have/has always been a surprise to hear of me having had such life experiences and that I live with disabilities. 

I am not what I seem, never judge a book by its cover, never under estimate who I am.  

I am a firecracker I have been told, I am grounded, very honest, determined, wise, and all whole load of other things as individuals usually are; but I am probably extreme when it comes to unexpected surprising unlikely 'huh, what!?' sort of experiences I have been through as well as who I am.  

I am also a Gemini which makes me dualistic in nature and a bit like Tinker Bell; many sides to that little creature.  

Anyways back to this transformative step.  My boyfriend left for England and I was stuck here with Clover my Cairn Terrier, alone, and very unsure of how I was to cope with this new situation.  

I slowly but surely started going out; I had to take Clover out for #1 and #2, go grocery shop, go get dog food, take the TTC, walk, and just get out in general, and things everyone else does without a thought.  For a person who is highly agoraphobic and struggles with anxiety disorders and depression, the smallest things are HUGE, VERY DIFFICULT, EXTREMELY TAXING, and most impossible.  

The preparation I go through just to get to hip hop class is enormous and very long, and sometimes even after all the preparation I end up not being able to go, so I keep on trying, next one will be better, another chance, another step, another opportunity.  This goes for not only hip hop classes but for going to my therapy sessions, grocery shopping, getting out the front door, taking the recycling down, and all these things everyone takes for granted and does without problem or thinking.  

This month I signed up for hip hop (I needed a challenge and a risk to face, to overcome, to set and reach goals), and I was amazed and proud of myself for BEING ABLE to attend (and those who know me will know the issues I have with getting back into any kind of dance studio mirrors etc from the past).  

I set myself a reachable goal of three classes this month and on Monday I took my third class (although my perfectionism and hard as hell on myself ways are telling me that as I was late to Mondays class it doesn't count, but I know myself how honestly and seriously difficult it was for me to get myself there, so I need to give myself some credit and not be so hard on myself).  

I can not believe it.  I can not tell you how grateful and appreciative I am for Shawn being there to give opportunities like hip hop classes for people like me.  Words can not express the meaning and significance this has in my life.  I am still in shock, I did it.  I am acknowledging my accomplishing my goal and being proud of myself for this courageous step.  

By the way, it is close to impossible for me to acknowledge and be kind to myself, as I am probably the harshest, meanest most critical and my own worst enemy.  I am trying to change this as I believe I have been given a miracle another chance at life (when I had my most fatal over dose a long while ago as well as the many years I played with death and teetered on the cliffs edge every moment) to exist on earth responsibly and for a reason and purpose, I did not die.  I believe in miracles and there must be something in this life I need to do or be as I still exist.  

For the time I am here on earth and alive, I will make the most of it, and truly live life to the fullest.  My determination and discipline, drive, ambition, courage, guts, will, and total unfailing compassion, humanity, exuberance, fascination, curiosity, care and love, devotion to improvement of self and betterment of the world are solid goals I will reach and my life will journey.  

Okay, now I need to sleep as my sleepy meds are just starting to jumble words and things in my brain.  So good night and SWEET DREAMS!!!!  

Dreams are within reach and can be reached!

I went outside, I got out and saw people on bikes, and the new greens starting to sprout, the sun, and the cars emitting their CO2.  

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