Thursday, April 8, 2010

HIP HOP!!!???

Hello, I just took a screen grab from a youtube video I did right after coming back from my first dance experience in over three years.  You can watch the video at:  

Wow, I did it!!!  I am very proud of myself for being able to go!  For those who do not know I was diagnosed a long long time ago with anxiety disorders and chronic depression for which I am taking copious amounts of medication. My major anxiety is going out, I can not tell you how hard it is for me to get out of the condo.  I am agoraphobic which means I do not do well in the public social scene.  This is such a huge achievement for me it is not even funny.  1. I went out.  2. I mingled with people I have never met.  3. I took the subway system.  4. I went to a place I have never been.  5. I stepped foot in a 'dance' studio with mirrors and teacher and everyone else in the class!  6. I talked to people!!!  WOW!  

It took more courage than anyone could imagine as well as will power to be able to go.  To sign up was another one of my spontaneous challenges I set myself up for and to follow through is even more mind blowing.  

I believe in taking risks and giving myself challenges to further improve and better myself as a person.  These risks usually take a lot of nervous energy, thought, emotion, physical stamina, will power, determination, believing, curiosity, self knowledge, and preparation (if you are ready or not, etc).  I always believe these risks taken and challenges overcome, I learn and experience more, and as a result create progress as a person in my own life, for betterment, and improvement, discovery, and growth.  

I need to emphasize that I was nervous and scared shitless!  Also after starting with a few exercises I felt very faint, light headed, dizzy, weak, with black spots appearing, but you need to understand I have been through hell with my health and well being for the last, oh gosh for as long as I can remember.  So I am as unfit as they come.  So I really did contemplate sitting out after the initial exercises as I did not know if my body could handle the heat, the activity. But discipline, will power, determination, and my hard work ethic as well as me just being very hard on myself (which is no joke), has been ingrained in me from when I started classical ballet at 4, so I did not give up and tried harder.  I NEVER GIVE UP!  Also with my health and being unfit, I need to tell you that I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia while I was in my high school years which was deadly; heart problems, low bone density, loss of all muscle, lack of nutrients, abusing laxatives, throwing up every day, exercising until my body just gave way, hospitalizations, inpatient programs, emergency rooms, and constantly playing and teetering on the cliff next to death.  This was before I knew of my chronic depression and anxiety disorders.  I have destroyed, hurt, mutilated, and treated my body as something which shouldn't exist and was embarrassing and a sin.  I have done more than enough damage to my body that there are and will be long term consequences which I am already starting to realize.  

The chronic depression, anxiety disorders, and sleep problems have had me go through hell with trial and error meds some of which I was allergic to.  And for my depression I was on an uncalled for high dosage of Effexor XR for a body my size, on top of another anti depressant Celexa, which I am now in the process of decreasing as I started to get very serious physical side effects and just effects from taking them for such a long time.  For my anxiety I have tried everything under the moon but right now I am happy to say I am only on Ativan as, well, the anti depressants I am taking have anti anxiety properties included in them.  For sleep I take Imovane as I can not sleep without it.  

I have attempted suicide over seven times and after that I stopped count.  I feel it was a miracle that I did survive and I am still existing and here.  Someone in the universe wanted me  or needed me to be here on earth.  I am grateful for the gift of life.  

Life is so precious, I believe people often forget how fragile and amazing life is, I never take anything anyone any experience for granted and am constantly fascinated with what life has to offer.  It truly is an adventure.  And today I was able to jump over a ginormous hurdle, and I am proud of myself.  

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